2025 - Almost fourteen years. You’d think it would be easier by now. And in some ways, it is. Time softens certain edges, and you learn how to carry it. But then there are days when the weight feels even heavier, because the longer it’s been, the more you realize what’s been missed.
Watching our boys grow into young men—men that I am so incredibly proud of—fills me with both joy and heartbreak. Joy because they are becoming exactly the kind of people I know D would be proud of. And heartbreak, because I know how much he would’ve loved this stage of their lives. He would’ve cherished every moment, every laugh, every hard conversation, and every proud moment. Seeing them now, in all their complexity and strength, makes me miss him in a way that words don’t quite cover.
There are times they struggle, when I know they need their dad—not just a mother or father figure, but him. His advice, his comfort, his way of showing up. And while they have good people around them, and I couldn’t be more proud of who they’re becoming, the reality is that D’s absence is something that never fully leaves.
Being a dad was the most important thing in the world to D. The love he had for his boys—it was powerful. It was something to witness. And unless you've lived through this kind of loss, it’s hard to explain. What hurts me the most isn’t just my own grief—it’s theirs. That’s why I’ve grieved in my own way, in my own space, since that day. Fourteen years ago, laying in that ditch, I wanted to go with D. My heart was broken, shattered. But God—and D—showed me that our boys couldn’t lose us both that day. Staying was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
He was my heart and soul, outside of our boys.
And still, as much as I lost, nobody lost more than they did. Because while the rest of us had years with D, memories, stories, time—they only had the early years. Their memories are snapshots. They won’t get the chance to know him as adults, or to have him know them as the men they are becoming. That kind of loss—it's a different weight. One I carry for them every single day.
So we live. We live fully, with purpose and with love. Because we knew him. We loved him. And we carry him with us in everything we do.
I couldn’t be more proud of our boys and the lives they are building. D would be, too.
