Sunday, February 9, 2014 Soccer Days...

It was a weekend of ballgames for us, four total and it was enough to completely exhaust me. The boys love it and I love seeing them play. It was really fun on Sunday we showed up early for our game and an older team was playing a game, the boys and I sat to the side and watched. I was telling them stories of when Derek use to play and how much I enjoyed watching him play. Derek loved indoor and outdoor and was really upset when he just couldn’t play as hard as he use to after his ACL surgery. He tried but he said if he couldn’t play with 110% then he didn’t want to play and he found himself holding back due to the reminder of his injury, it put a little fear in him to go through that again. And if you knew Derek he unfortunately did have much fear. I still thought he played great after the surgery but after cracking his brace down the middle after surgery he finallydecided it was not as fun playing and holding back. He wasn’t one that held back on anything at all. The boys enjoyed talking about Derek playing soccer and the stories, Ethan loves soccer and plays with heart, Ethan feels close to his daddy on the field. As far Garret he misses his dad on the field but still loves the sport but his heart is in basketball.  Garret is funny, he bounces the ball just like Derek did when he is shooting a free throw and even tosses it up in the air the same way. Those two boys are my heart and soul, can’t explain in words how much love I have for them and how blessed I am to have them. I am proud as can be of both of them and the little independent men they are turning into. They amaze me with the things they come up with and how very smart they are when it comes to things, they are findingtheir way, figure things and people out every day and enjoy life even after the many things they have had to face at their age.

Friday, February 7, 2014 Amazing Grace...

So I've been transferring videos to DVD so that I will have them for the boys. It is a mix of so many different feelings seeing some of our memories on tape. I am glad we have the vidoes and wish we had taped more.

One of the first that I tranferred was a Christmas in 1999 before we had  the boys, Maddie and Brent were so little, seeing you on there and then my dad walking around and Peyton so small, just is a lot to take. Then all the video of Garret and his rough start into this world. Our family has for sure had a lot to handle and deal with but we always made it through together. Now I have to make it without you by my side and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Most days I look in the mirror and think "I got this" but there are still so many moments that I don't know if another step is possible. 

There is one video that I took the picture attached to this blog from and it was when we were at Kosair Hospital when Garret was still really sick. You are singing to him, and in this picture you are singing Amazing Grace. That was one of the songs we played at your funeral, that's not how it is supposed to be. Those moments seem like yesterday and some days it feels like we blinked and here we are 12 years later but you are not with us and its a lot to handle and deal with. 

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Another year has come and gone, they seem to fly by so fast anymore. I guess I'm mixed if that is good or bad. It has been a good year for the boys and I, we continue to heal, grow and learn things along the way. I've enjoyed some extra time off with the boys during the holidays which was much needed but I am ready for the holidays to

be over. Holidays are just a hard time no matter if its been one, two or three years. I can't believe this is our third Christmas, we had a little more peace this year and the boys seemed to really enjoy it. That helped me enjoy it more. 

I try to count all the blessings in my life and focus on that then think of all we have lost. That is not always the easy thing to do but its how I keep going forward. 

Sunday, December 1, 2013 Holidays...

I try to look at things in a positive way these days, can't always say that is easy. The holidays are upon us and they just are still very hard. 

I was reading my personal journal tonight and I had an entry around our first Thanksgiving and it helps me to see how far I've come but yet how far I still have to  go in some things...

November 2011 I wrote to you that I couldn't do this anymore without you. I am trying to turn it all over to God but I fight it every day. I don't talk to him anymore and I never look up. I want to change that but don't know how to get this voice out of my head saying really Coni you believe this. Why would this happen? Why? What if??? 

Back then I was still asking so many questions and had so much anger at God but I was so far from understanding anything. Not saying I understand anything better except that I trust that in it all God did not make this happen and no matter what he has my back. I will never get the answers to the questions I ask myself so many times. It is such a hard journey that nobody understands till they have been there and even then it is different for each one. Its a scary and lonely journey that you just keep moving forward on. Every little thing in my life has changed since that day, and I mean every single little thing and that is a very hard part. Tomorrow will be 29 months/885 days since our life was shattered, I was talking to a friend the other day about time, time does help us heal but the bigger that number getting it brings a whole new flood of feelings that are hard to explain. I know how far we all have come and I know for a fact that I am lucky to be walking and doing things since that day but luck is a hard word to use sometimes. 

It was a good Thanksgiving with family and friends. We smiled and laughed. All the wonderful text that I received from old  and new friends and family meant so much, each one was so much needed. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013 15 Years

15th Anniversary, never thought the place where we got married 15 years later would be where I would visit your grave. It is still unbelievable to me. We never knew then that along with some of the most wonderful times in our life that next 15 years would also come the most unbearable pain we ever would know. We miss your amazing personality, laugh and smile everyday.

Thursday, October 31, 2013 Understanding...

None of this comes with an instruction manual. We are not given one when we come into this world and we are not given one when we lose someone and they leave us way too early. We are never prepared to say Goodbye and its even worst when you don't get to physically ever say that goodbye. My faith can provide comfort but the everyday reality of life without Derek can only be lived a day and moment at a time. Not looking too far ahead and not looking back. 

There are not just first the first year, there are first the rest of your life. Nothing can prepare us to continue our lives without someone that we are that connected to. So we take torturous steps one after the other, slowly, painfully and we try to make a life without the one we thought we could never live without. 

We all grieve in different ways, at different speeds and on different journeys. People look for closure, but closure is a strange word. We don't close the door on our life with our loved ones. We can't just put them in the past and walk away. Doesn't work like that. But we do learn to adapt to this new version of our lives. Where we must find a way to go on without their physical presence with us. It is a challenge but with healing, time and prayer we find some peace, joy and even love in what remains of our time here on earth. We find ourselves smiling, laughing and enjoying the memories we have. 

It is a journey that is so full of so many emotions and pain. It never goes away completely, you don't just move on but you learn with time to live and go on. It's a choice that you make for the people in your life and for yourself. As the years go on it is always close to your heart everyday and still hurts. It changes everything in your life and the way you look at every single thing in that life. And as times goes on it is a struggle to think people will forget but they never do, they do go on and live their life but it always is close to their heart. 

Life is a gift and it comes with the price of feeling everything. Joy, pain, passion, agony. And without that darkness we probably would never recognize the light. We have to seize that gift of life while it is ours to live. Take in the entire experience and don't take anything for granted. 

Monday, September 2, 2013 Family...

26 months today

I miss my family, that's the feeling I had when I first woke this morning. Most days I'm moving so fast or going on that I don't have time to think about it. Which is a good thing. But today on a holiday weekend please take time to spend time with your family and tell them you love them. Its the little things you miss the most when its all taken away. Boys and I are doing good but some days it hits you in the face of how much we lost. It breaks my heart what the boys will never have with their father who's biggest dream was to be an amazing dad and he was it just got cut way to short. 

It was a good weekend, boys and I spent some much needed time together and some much needed down time also. Now back to work and a busy schedule tomorrow!!!