July 29th, 2016 Anger and Grief at Five Years 'Go rest on the mountain...'

 

This July 2^nd was the fifth anniversary of Derek’s death and today will be five years that we laid him to rest at Duncan Memorial, the same location where we started our marriage together almost 18 years ago. Life never prepares you for things like this, it’s not what you had written in your head when you were a little girl, saying I do to his proposal, walking down the aisle to say ‘I do’, buying your first house, having you first and second babies. Life seems amazing and nothing can touch you, but as we found out things can touch you. Life came shattering down around us.

With the passing of five years I have noticed some different phases of grief in my journey. Of course each person’s experience is different given the nature of the loss and their own life circumstances. I think in way’s you learn to live around your pain. Perhaps there are times and phases of grief where I feel I am in the thick of sorrow and pain, while at other times I feel that I have learning to live “around” the pain or alongside it. And sometimes I get thick in the anger that sorrows my grief, that seems to be a common one I fight with most as I see our boys grow and become young men that will never know their father the way they should and the amazing man that he was. That is a hard part for me, as time does help the raw pain that comes with grief, it never goes away, and you don’t just get back that piece of you that died with them. You learn to live with it and build a life to live in this world that they were taken from way too soon.

You find you are ok and happy and it is an all new kind of happy. You look at things, life and people differently then you did in the past. Most of the time you look at them in a more deep caring way and then other times you want to shake them and scream “wake up and know how blessed you are” yes it is a crazy world. 

Thursday, April 14, 2016 Gone too soon...

A day doesn't go by when you aren't on my mind but some days are of course harder then others. Out walking while boys are practicing and see all these dads coaching their kids in soccer. I miss the boys being so young and little. Soccer is different now, more challenging and a lot to take most days. They could so use your guidance at this stage, we do our best to help them but this was supposed to be your thing. I can only tell they and teach them so much about it. You would love this age and stage of soccer and how they love the sport. You are supposed to be here to raise them and help them, you would be so proud of them, growing so fast. It's an exhausting age for me running them every night and every weekend but I really take it in and enjoy the time with them while I have it. I know as they grow I will miss this stage so I soak it in as much as I can and it makes our relationship stronger even if I am a girl and mom they seem to love the time we have also even know it's in the car a lot. Funny! 

March 16, 2016 - 804 South Fifth Street...

M

Where it all started, who would have thought how our love story would go. So many ups and downs that made us stronger. I visited the E&H building for the last time before they move, a lot of memories in that building for sure. I remember where I was sitting the first time I saw you pushing (riding) a desk through the inside sales area. You were wearing your glasses, a grey Lester sales sweatshirt and that sweet baby face smile. We were friends from the start and you were full of life as always. 

Lots of memories there, all the times you played trick on me and shrink wrapped on things off my desk to the warehouse poles and I would find them days later. 

We were best friends from the beginning and so glad we started that way. Then time flys and we were there for each other for some rough times in both our lives that we only shared with each other. 

I remember the place I was standing in that building in inside sales when I called you because I was in the process to having a miscarriage with our first baby. You got me home and we sat in our living room holding each other with no words needed. 

I remember the spot we met up in the warehouse to get a call from the doctor saying we were pregnant again and it was with Garret. We didn't tell anyone right away because we were so scared but yet so excited. Then when we had Ethan, there were a lot of good memories in that building, just needed to see it one more time. I don't like going there much since we lost you, it's painful and it's a life I can never have back but that's ok too because I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. We have had to continue this life and journey without you, not a choice we wanted to make but we are doing our best and living this life to the fullest we can because not doing that would be cheating you. 

Tuesday, March 1, 2016 Dreams...

You visited me in my dreams last night, those are always so bittersweet with a lot of mixed feelings to them. Don't always see your face in my dream, but hear your voice and touched your face. Miss you everyday and such a struggle to have our boys grow up without you. You would be so proud of them, they miss you everyday. But as we know life goes on and we make the choice to go forward with it, no other option on our journey. Life is good but just a different kind of good. Losing you changed us all forever, the boys and I try to stay positive and continue to make the most of the life you were taken from way to soon. Most days we have peace and we have found a new kind of happiness and have a good life. Some days it just hangs heavier on our hearts. Boys are growing so much!!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2016 Weights...

Oh the things that bring back the memories sometimes. D you would be so amazed by both our boys so much, you would love this age. Tonight I am workout with Garret and boy it brings back the time we spent workout and I find myself telling him things you told me all the time. He wears your workout gloves and does a great job. Ethan jumps in normally but tonight still fighting a cold. Funny to watch him, he has a lot of both our personalities and looks. I see so much of you in him. They both miss you and Garret writes to you often and it's good. 

December 14, 2015 Struggles...

There is a lot of good in this life and I don't take it for granted. Don't focus on the struggles that you miss the gift of today. That is a statement I speak to myself every day when I read my devotional to help me not get to overwhelmed with the struggles of this life that I miss what is here and now. It's easy sometimes we get so caught up in what it should be, or what someone should do or did to us that we don't just stop. Life is too short and things change too fast and every day to not try to make the best of today. I look at how much my boys have grown in four years, how much their personalities have developed and changed. If I don't focus on being in this life I would miss that all. You have to want to be in this life and take it in and make it work. Not always easy, everyone doesn't always play nice or help but in the end it's a choice to live and live it the best we can. Something that Derek lost all too early, so I will not take for granted what I have. We love and miss him everyday and he is why we live and try to be better and love each other. It can be exhausting but we just keep going and loving each other. Every time I say prayers with my boys at night, or hear them say I love you it is a reminder that we must live this life the best we can for Derek. Life is what you make it

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Everyday...