Thursday, August 15, 2013 One of those days...

Monday, August 5, 2013 Flashbacks...

Been a while since I have posted or wanted to but my head seems to be spinning tonight so I figure I'll give it a try. Life is flying by this summer with the boys and all, school starts Wednesday and soccer starts tomorrow. Sometimes I wonder if I can keep up with it all some days but I manage as I know I have to.
Flashbacks have been a little off and on lately, I mean I've always had them for two years, some of that day, some of different times before and after the accident. Some are more detailed then others. But there seems to be different triggers these days and it is the smallest things that will make me stop in my tracks or sometimes I am able to just shake them off. Most of the time it is when I am driving. Like when I was driving back from Gulf Shores we past this exit and I had a car on either side of me and wow there it hit, I could see that Hyundai emblem on the car. I slowed a little and tried to shake it but it took me back to that day and flying through the air, every smell, sound and sight right in my face. I was able to handle it and shake it off but it got me remembering and thinking for a while. In time I get my mind back on the present and all is well. Guess I will always have those hit me here and there. The newest one is at home, been happening since the day we got home from vacation, I walked into the house and smelled my vanilla air freshener, same one I have used for year and have had here but for some reason that day it made me about vomit because it made me flashback to coming back into this house everyday from the hospital or wherever mom and Kim would get me out to. It reminded me of being wheeled out by ambulance out the front door right past that air freshener and it being the last smell of home and the first smell when I get home. Thought it was just once but for some reason every time I get a smell of it the past couple weeks it makes me sick and my skin crawl so I bought a new scent the other day. We will see if it helps!!! I hope so!
All and all we are doing good, the flashbacks and everything will come and go but in the end we choose to move forward and keep healing and growing. We will always have good and bad memories, we will hold tight to the good ones and try to make it through the bad. We will make new good memories and enjoy every day we have together.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013 Two Years...

On July 2, 2011, Derek Anderson, an amazing father, husband, son, brother, uncle and friend died and with his death our world crumbled into a million pieces. I sit here today, 2 years later, looking back and reflecting on this journey and wondering where the road will take us now, as I begin my third year.

When Derek was first gone, I discovered other women in my same situation and blogs on the internet. All the writings and girls said that the second year was worse than the first. I didn’t understand how that could be possible but now I understand it a little more. I don’t know if I can explain why but both years had their struggles, the first year you have a lot of first people say but really you have a lot of first the rest of your life without them here. The second year I grew, grieved, healed and got stronger. I am not the same person I use to be that is for sure. I think the hardest part of the second year is seeing Derek disappear out of our life as far as new memories. We will never forget him or the memories we have of him and we are living our new chapter in our life and will miss him every day.  

Derek changed me and anyone he touched in this life, his smile, his laugh, the way he could talk to anyone or just let you know he cared. I can’t say enough good things about him and all the positive ways he touched my life. He is missed every day, not just today but every day he is thought of, remembered and makes me smile knowing that I was so blessed to have him the time I did. There are also still tears and sadness that come along the way, it is still hard but the memories I hold close and have to hold onto the hope that he is watching over us from a much better place.

Today I will focus on the good things and hope that this journey will continue to get easier for us all as we heal along the way.

 “Hope does not arise from being told to think positively. Hope is the elevating feeling we experience when we see – in the mind’s eye – a path to a better future. The path acknowledges the significant obstacles and deep pitfalls and has no room for delusion. Hope gives us the courage to confront our circumstances and the capacity to surmount them. We are just beginning to appreciate the power of hope and have not defined its limits. I see hope as the very heart of healing.”

- Dr Jerome Groopman, Harvard Medical Professor and Author of the book The Anatomy of Hope.

Thursday, June 27, 2013 Rest...

"Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way whead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.
I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn't bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company. breathing deep draughts of My Presence. The higheest level of trust is to enoy Me moment by moemnt. I am with you, wathcing over you wherever you go."

That was my devotional read this morning, good one!!! Not much to say but to please continue to keep me and my family in your prayer. Even when we are smiling and taking life as it comes it is still a daily struggle to live this life. It is ours to live everyday, and it is not always an easy one. There is no just getting back to our life after losing Derek, it is rebuilding it daily and learning how to handle and raise two amazing little boys in this world. It is scary, sad, happy and exciting all mixed up in a bundle. So even when you see us and think we are doing good, which we are just remember we still need your prayers because our journey is still bumpy on days. I thank the wonderful people that I have in my life, because without them and God I don't know if I could do this everyday.

Enjoyed watching the storms with Garret last night on the back porch, something we all use to do together. Garret is an amazing little boy and growing way to fast.

Monday, June 24, 2013 Live Today...

What if you knew how long you had to live?? What would you do different today or tomorrow? Who would you call and tell you loved them or tell them how much they mean in your life?? What would you want people to remember about you? Words are so powerful!!! Some of Derek and my last words to each other that day when he put my helmet back on me on that little corner in Bardstown where "I love you" and I will never forget that. You NEVER know what tomorrow will bring!!!
None of us know how long we have but we should live every day like it's our last in the fact that we should never take anything for granted in this life. God has given each of us our journey in this life to live, that journey can change in the choices we make but he is always there to help put us in the right direction. We all have struggles and obstacles to over come in life and we each as individuals make choices on how we deal with those and how we let them effect us. I try to remember every day to be thankful for every little thing in my life, the people I love and the new things in my life that make me smile just to think that life is going to be okay. I know that it is not always easy to look at it that way and I have my times I struggle and I still have my times I want to give up still just because I want to say this isn't supposed to be my life and I don't want to do this anymore because I am tired. But that is not a choice that I let take over. Even on the days that you are in a little daze, or angry with God for your life not being or going a way you think it should, that is when you have to pray more and trust that God has this. It is far more then just what you think it should be. I can tell you even in my life and the journey I am on that I have hope, healing and see blessings in my life more then I could have ever imgined. Never will mean that you are thankful for what brought you to this point but it means that you cherish everything because of what you have lost, loved and learned along the way.

Friday, June 21, 2013 Progress...

It's always interesting and helps me to look back at my past post and I do it from time to time before I start posting a new one. I looked back and I have a post from June 21, 2012 last year and it talked about a dream and the weird thing is that I didn't remember it till I just read it. Makes me glad I have this blog to look back on and see where I have came from, all the process of my journey and help me know that even when I still have a hard day from time to time that I have came so far. That is why I have been trying to
Things are good, I have been having my days with ups and downs but I think it is me trying to figure out where I am in this between stage of my life. It's hard to blend it all together and feel comfortable with trusting that things will fall into place. I try to blend my old life, my life now and where I see my life going, a little of each I try to keep close but not try to control where it is going. I like to look ahead now, I remember a time that I couldn't look past today or tomorrow or next week. Now I look further and I enjoy seeing my boys grow and heal. It will never be easy to know that their father is not here where he should be to see it from this point and be a part of it but I know he is looking over us and smiling that we are okay and living the life we were given.
I enjoyed some time with my boys last night and seeing them smile, laugh and be kids. They are doing so good it amazes me. I mean they have their moments just like I do but all in all they know that we have to continue to live and they know that their Dad is watching over them from heaven.

Sunday, June 16, 2013 Father's Day 2013...

Father's Day is never the same... Day started out good and we had a good day but it was just a day, not much more then that. These are the moments and days that my heart aches for my boys and I fight the anger of why? what if? and all those questions. So with that I will try to comment on the good that we had because I'm not much with sharing my thoughts and feelings right now.

Derek was an amazing Father to his two boys. The biggest goal he had in life was to give his boys the Father he never got at a young age. He was amazing with them and a lot of time as big of a kid as they were. Silly, fun and always ready to play even when he was tired. Both our boys looked up to Derek probably even more then he ever realized. We miss him every day!!! Happy Father's Day Derek!!!