Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Another year has come and gone, they seem to fly by so fast anymore. I guess I'm mixed if that is good or bad. It has been a good year for the boys and I, we continue to heal, grow and learn things along the way. I've enjoyed some extra time off with the boys during the holidays which was much needed but I am ready for the holidays to

be over. Holidays are just a hard time no matter if its been one, two or three years. I can't believe this is our third Christmas, we had a little more peace this year and the boys seemed to really enjoy it. That helped me enjoy it more. 

I try to count all the blessings in my life and focus on that then think of all we have lost. That is not always the easy thing to do but its how I keep going forward. 

Sunday, December 1, 2013 Holidays...

I try to look at things in a positive way these days, can't always say that is easy. The holidays are upon us and they just are still very hard. 

I was reading my personal journal tonight and I had an entry around our first Thanksgiving and it helps me to see how far I've come but yet how far I still have to  go in some things...

November 2011 I wrote to you that I couldn't do this anymore without you. I am trying to turn it all over to God but I fight it every day. I don't talk to him anymore and I never look up. I want to change that but don't know how to get this voice out of my head saying really Coni you believe this. Why would this happen? Why? What if??? 

Back then I was still asking so many questions and had so much anger at God but I was so far from understanding anything. Not saying I understand anything better except that I trust that in it all God did not make this happen and no matter what he has my back. I will never get the answers to the questions I ask myself so many times. It is such a hard journey that nobody understands till they have been there and even then it is different for each one. Its a scary and lonely journey that you just keep moving forward on. Every little thing in my life has changed since that day, and I mean every single little thing and that is a very hard part. Tomorrow will be 29 months/885 days since our life was shattered, I was talking to a friend the other day about time, time does help us heal but the bigger that number getting it brings a whole new flood of feelings that are hard to explain. I know how far we all have come and I know for a fact that I am lucky to be walking and doing things since that day but luck is a hard word to use sometimes. 

It was a good Thanksgiving with family and friends. We smiled and laughed. All the wonderful text that I received from old  and new friends and family meant so much, each one was so much needed. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013 15 Years

15th Anniversary, never thought the place where we got married 15 years later would be where I would visit your grave. It is still unbelievable to me. We never knew then that along with some of the most wonderful times in our life that next 15 years would also come the most unbearable pain we ever would know. We miss your amazing personality, laugh and smile everyday.

Thursday, October 31, 2013 Understanding...

None of this comes with an instruction manual. We are not given one when we come into this world and we are not given one when we lose someone and they leave us way too early. We are never prepared to say Goodbye and its even worst when you don't get to physically ever say that goodbye. My faith can provide comfort but the everyday reality of life without Derek can only be lived a day and moment at a time. Not looking too far ahead and not looking back. 

There are not just first the first year, there are first the rest of your life. Nothing can prepare us to continue our lives without someone that we are that connected to. So we take torturous steps one after the other, slowly, painfully and we try to make a life without the one we thought we could never live without. 

We all grieve in different ways, at different speeds and on different journeys. People look for closure, but closure is a strange word. We don't close the door on our life with our loved ones. We can't just put them in the past and walk away. Doesn't work like that. But we do learn to adapt to this new version of our lives. Where we must find a way to go on without their physical presence with us. It is a challenge but with healing, time and prayer we find some peace, joy and even love in what remains of our time here on earth. We find ourselves smiling, laughing and enjoying the memories we have. 

It is a journey that is so full of so many emotions and pain. It never goes away completely, you don't just move on but you learn with time to live and go on. It's a choice that you make for the people in your life and for yourself. As the years go on it is always close to your heart everyday and still hurts. It changes everything in your life and the way you look at every single thing in that life. And as times goes on it is a struggle to think people will forget but they never do, they do go on and live their life but it always is close to their heart. 

Life is a gift and it comes with the price of feeling everything. Joy, pain, passion, agony. And without that darkness we probably would never recognize the light. We have to seize that gift of life while it is ours to live. Take in the entire experience and don't take anything for granted. 

Monday, September 2, 2013 Family...

26 months today

I miss my family, that's the feeling I had when I first woke this morning. Most days I'm moving so fast or going on that I don't have time to think about it. Which is a good thing. But today on a holiday weekend please take time to spend time with your family and tell them you love them. Its the little things you miss the most when its all taken away. Boys and I are doing good but some days it hits you in the face of how much we lost. It breaks my heart what the boys will never have with their father who's biggest dream was to be an amazing dad and he was it just got cut way to short. 

It was a good weekend, boys and I spent some much needed time together and some much needed down time also. Now back to work and a busy schedule tomorrow!!! 

Thursday, August 15, 2013 One of those days...

Monday, August 5, 2013 Flashbacks...

Been a while since I have posted or wanted to but my head seems to be spinning tonight so I figure I'll give it a try. Life is flying by this summer with the boys and all, school starts Wednesday and soccer starts tomorrow. Sometimes I wonder if I can keep up with it all some days but I manage as I know I have to.
Flashbacks have been a little off and on lately, I mean I've always had them for two years, some of that day, some of different times before and after the accident. Some are more detailed then others. But there seems to be different triggers these days and it is the smallest things that will make me stop in my tracks or sometimes I am able to just shake them off. Most of the time it is when I am driving. Like when I was driving back from Gulf Shores we past this exit and I had a car on either side of me and wow there it hit, I could see that Hyundai emblem on the car. I slowed a little and tried to shake it but it took me back to that day and flying through the air, every smell, sound and sight right in my face. I was able to handle it and shake it off but it got me remembering and thinking for a while. In time I get my mind back on the present and all is well. Guess I will always have those hit me here and there. The newest one is at home, been happening since the day we got home from vacation, I walked into the house and smelled my vanilla air freshener, same one I have used for year and have had here but for some reason that day it made me about vomit because it made me flashback to coming back into this house everyday from the hospital or wherever mom and Kim would get me out to. It reminded me of being wheeled out by ambulance out the front door right past that air freshener and it being the last smell of home and the first smell when I get home. Thought it was just once but for some reason every time I get a smell of it the past couple weeks it makes me sick and my skin crawl so I bought a new scent the other day. We will see if it helps!!! I hope so!
All and all we are doing good, the flashbacks and everything will come and go but in the end we choose to move forward and keep healing and growing. We will always have good and bad memories, we will hold tight to the good ones and try to make it through the bad. We will make new good memories and enjoy every day we have together.