Pieces, June 5th , 2020

Pieces, June 5, 2020
Wow been a while not sure why besides trying to live life and surviving teenagers. Ethan broke his necklace the other day and it was one that was yours. So I found what I needed and put it back together piece by piece, my patience's normally doesn’t do good with things like that but it’s those little things like that are about all I can do to help them be close to you. Life is still hard, don’t get me wrong most days we are good we have learned and want to live but some days it still hits me in the gut.
Nothing is ever what it was supposed to be and some of those things I’ve learned are part of it and ok. I have loved again and learned to live this life. Then there are things like parenting that is not what it was supposed to be, nothing we talked about is easy to parent as it’s all me trying to do my best with two teenagers. I try I really do but I fail some days probably more then I even realized that I fail. I know I can’t give up but some days it’s a lot to push forward. This is one of those things where it would be completely different if you were here. I try to not let my anger get the best of me but sometimes it’s hard. I give in too much as I don’t want them to hurt anymore then they do without you. You were always the strong hard one and I was easier, we talked about what we would do and we balanced it out with parenting but now its balancing it in myself. Because as much as Wayne, Kim or anyone tries it’s not you, their dad to push them and to demand of them and for me to lighten the load, back you and the roughness like we always did. I don’t demand enough as it hurts and I don’t want to push them away. It not easy to parent without you.
Every bump I hit I wish and maybe it is like this necklace putting it back one piece at a time. Just seems overwhelming and hard some days
Our boys are good boys and it’s not at all they are bad it’s the little things that hit hard sometime like today.

January 2016 Memories of Our Life...

Today I had some time to drive so I ended up in our old neck of the woods. Lots of memories there of where we started to where you were laid to rest. The memories still hurt but they also make me smile and know we were blessed to have you for the time we did. It can come with a mix of emotions. Grieving is an ongoing journey with no end, it teaches me how to love in a new way now that your no longer physically with us. Consciously remembering you is the key that opens my heart, that allows me to love you in new ways and others. Sometimes those memories make me smile and sometimes they do make me cry and hurt. I wouldn't change any of our memories, they keep me close to you.
This was my little walk down memory lane...

Our First Neighborhood, Ashbrooke Subdivision, great find. We loved this place and the memories we made.

Our first House together, loved this little house, we were able to look past the pepto bismol pink & mint green walls & carpet to see our first home. Nothing a little paint and new carpet couldn't fix. Lots of memories in this house for only owning for 2 years. We loved our neighbors in which I am still in contact with to this day, Derrick was so upset to hear of your passing since we didn't recount until months after. We had awesome Derby parties that consisted of one of your Beta brothers burning our siding and Eric falling over the fence. Building our first deck with Vince's help, installing a little shed, painting shutters. Lots of work that back then we enjoyed doing. We had our first and last huge fight, yes we disagreed but mostly we didn't like to argue and learned a lot after that nasty first one that we sat and laughed at the next day because it was so silly. We also got pregnant with our first baby here but sadly also lost our first baby here. You sat with me on the coach in the front room for hours until it was all over, we sat there and cried together, not many words needed. I can still picture that day when I close my eyes and I still keep our only ultra sound picture of our baby in my dresser. Ethan and Garret have both been told about that baby and we all know that you are now holding them in your arms. Ethan thinks it was a girl of course. 

 

Crestwood Hardware to the left of railroad track, our favorite little Saturday morning trip, I remember about 2-3 times a month we would take a Saturday morning trip there for some items to work on our new house. Every time we walked out of there you would say the same thing "I love this little town and how everyone talks to you even if they don't know you, we made a great choice on our first house and staying in a small town"

Duncan Memorial where we got married on a beautiful evening, I remember walking around the side of the building with so much excitement and love. We had both went through things in our life and came out on the other side and face each other to start our life. Sadly we never knew that this is where we would lay you to rest way too soon!!!

And this is where we laid you to rest, we don't go there much really, if I do I'm by myself. When I first set your headstone that I spent so much time and detail designing I thought I would feel close to you there but I don't. I guess my heart knows that you are not there, it just represents where you were laid to rest. In the beginning I came here a number of times thinking I would feel you here but so many times it wasn't there. I have sat and screaming at the top of my lungs and had my hardest cries here in the first few years. Then I realized that you were wherever I go. Boys do not like to visit you here either, Garret has a couple times but Ethan does not like seeing your name on the stone.

And there are our babies hand prints, they were so young at the time and it hurts the worst these days. It's so painful to see them grow up without you, it's hard not to get angry or ask God so many questions but I really try not to go there. You were an amazing father and they loved you more then life itself. We miss you everyday, talk about you everyday and keep you close to our hearts.
This journey and grief does not come with an instruction book and still almost five years later has many ups and downs. I look back at those days and the accident and it is hard to breath. As I know it is for anyone that knew you. We all were in so much pain and grief, none of us knew what to do or how to do any of it but to survive day by day. Guess some days we are still learning to survive without you.
The one thing I know is life is okay and we are surviving, doesn't mean it never hurts, or we still don't grieve but more then anything even on my hardest days I will tell myself 'Live this life the best you can for him because he is not here to live it' That's why we smile, we find happiness and create a good life that you would smile down on and be proud of us. We miss you everyday babe!!!

July 29th, 2016 Anger and Grief at Five Years 'Go rest on the mountain...'

 

This July 2^nd was the fifth anniversary of Derek’s death and today will be five years that we laid him to rest at Duncan Memorial, the same location where we started our marriage together almost 18 years ago. Life never prepares you for things like this, it’s not what you had written in your head when you were a little girl, saying I do to his proposal, walking down the aisle to say ‘I do’, buying your first house, having you first and second babies. Life seems amazing and nothing can touch you, but as we found out things can touch you. Life came shattering down around us.

With the passing of five years I have noticed some different phases of grief in my journey. Of course each person’s experience is different given the nature of the loss and their own life circumstances. I think in way’s you learn to live around your pain. Perhaps there are times and phases of grief where I feel I am in the thick of sorrow and pain, while at other times I feel that I have learning to live “around” the pain or alongside it. And sometimes I get thick in the anger that sorrows my grief, that seems to be a common one I fight with most as I see our boys grow and become young men that will never know their father the way they should and the amazing man that he was. That is a hard part for me, as time does help the raw pain that comes with grief, it never goes away, and you don’t just get back that piece of you that died with them. You learn to live with it and build a life to live in this world that they were taken from way too soon.

You find you are ok and happy and it is an all new kind of happy. You look at things, life and people differently then you did in the past. Most of the time you look at them in a more deep caring way and then other times you want to shake them and scream “wake up and know how blessed you are” yes it is a crazy world. 

Thursday, April 14, 2016 Gone too soon...

A day doesn't go by when you aren't on my mind but some days are of course harder then others. Out walking while boys are practicing and see all these dads coaching their kids in soccer. I miss the boys being so young and little. Soccer is different now, more challenging and a lot to take most days. They could so use your guidance at this stage, we do our best to help them but this was supposed to be your thing. I can only tell they and teach them so much about it. You would love this age and stage of soccer and how they love the sport. You are supposed to be here to raise them and help them, you would be so proud of them, growing so fast. It's an exhausting age for me running them every night and every weekend but I really take it in and enjoy the time with them while I have it. I know as they grow I will miss this stage so I soak it in as much as I can and it makes our relationship stronger even if I am a girl and mom they seem to love the time we have also even know it's in the car a lot. Funny! 

March 16, 2016 - 804 South Fifth Street...

M

Where it all started, who would have thought how our love story would go. So many ups and downs that made us stronger. I visited the E&H building for the last time before they move, a lot of memories in that building for sure. I remember where I was sitting the first time I saw you pushing (riding) a desk through the inside sales area. You were wearing your glasses, a grey Lester sales sweatshirt and that sweet baby face smile. We were friends from the start and you were full of life as always. 

Lots of memories there, all the times you played trick on me and shrink wrapped on things off my desk to the warehouse poles and I would find them days later. 

We were best friends from the beginning and so glad we started that way. Then time flys and we were there for each other for some rough times in both our lives that we only shared with each other. 

I remember the place I was standing in that building in inside sales when I called you because I was in the process to having a miscarriage with our first baby. You got me home and we sat in our living room holding each other with no words needed. 

I remember the spot we met up in the warehouse to get a call from the doctor saying we were pregnant again and it was with Garret. We didn't tell anyone right away because we were so scared but yet so excited. Then when we had Ethan, there were a lot of good memories in that building, just needed to see it one more time. I don't like going there much since we lost you, it's painful and it's a life I can never have back but that's ok too because I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. We have had to continue this life and journey without you, not a choice we wanted to make but we are doing our best and living this life to the fullest we can because not doing that would be cheating you. 

Tuesday, March 1, 2016 Dreams...

You visited me in my dreams last night, those are always so bittersweet with a lot of mixed feelings to them. Don't always see your face in my dream, but hear your voice and touched your face. Miss you everyday and such a struggle to have our boys grow up without you. You would be so proud of them, they miss you everyday. But as we know life goes on and we make the choice to go forward with it, no other option on our journey. Life is good but just a different kind of good. Losing you changed us all forever, the boys and I try to stay positive and continue to make the most of the life you were taken from way to soon. Most days we have peace and we have found a new kind of happiness and have a good life. Some days it just hangs heavier on our hearts. Boys are growing so much!!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2016 Weights...

Oh the things that bring back the memories sometimes. D you would be so amazed by both our boys so much, you would love this age. Tonight I am workout with Garret and boy it brings back the time we spent workout and I find myself telling him things you told me all the time. He wears your workout gloves and does a great job. Ethan jumps in normally but tonight still fighting a cold. Funny to watch him, he has a lot of both our personalities and looks. I see so much of you in him. They both miss you and Garret writes to you often and it's good.