Friday, December 5, 2014, 3 years, 5 months & 3 days

Miss you today more then normal, what I would give to have you to see your boys or to be able to sit and tell you all about them, how they are growing and doing, how they smile again and laugh. We all miss you everyday but it breaks my heart that the boys and you are missing out on so much. I sat and watched Ethan practice his reading project and he moved his hands like you and all I could think about is what you would say about them today and what amazing little men they have grown into. Through this all the worse struggle is knowing that you all will never know each other like you should. They are so amazing and I hate it for them. I know they will be okay and turn into great men. Please continue to watch over us and give me the strength to keep raising them like we always said we would. 

Saturday, Sept 20, 2014 Home...

2:45am came early this morning after a long day of work yesterday but here I am sitting at the Tallahassee airport and so ready to be home and with my boys. Its funny in a few ways, I remember not too long ago I didn't want to go home, my peace was when I was away on trips, not from boys but away from all the memories and raw pain that was there while trying to learn how to live in my house again without Derek. Every corner, every spot, every item had memories and for a while they were so painful. It was all so painful because I was stuck in that "what it was supposed to be" and that was a hard thing to get pasted. Every time you see a family, a husband, dad or have a memory it took me saying this is not how it was supposed to be, we were supposed to grow old, raise our boys and be a happy family. At some point I had to let go of what it was supposed it be because as much as I want it, I can't change it and it will never be what we always planned. I had to come to peace with that and be okay with what it is and make a new future. Its not easy, its not fun some days and some days I still want to give up and not do this but in the end I'm here to raise our boys and find the best life for us. It still comes with pain, tears and struggle but you start a new day and trust that God has you every day. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014 Wishing for normal...

It will always still be a challenge to get use to my new normal, my boys and I are happy, we have found our norm as they call it. But I don't know if you ever get ok with what your new normal is. Normal is supposed to be coming home to my Husband and boys, working around the house together, doing things together as a family. We still do those but with what is now our family of three. Our norm is coming home, straighten house, tossing is laundry, making sure homework is done, school stuff is done and signed, stuff ready for the next day, paying bills, cooking dinner all before 5:30 without telling someone how crazy your day was then to head to two hours of soccer practice where I get that time to think of everything I still need to get done before I lay down to sleep but get to take a little breath as I watch our boys play. It is our norm and we do it very well but can't say I don't look around some days and think. Today was busy, I'm tired and exhausted but I lay my head down knowing that I did my best for my boys, myself and God. I know at the end of the day that's what matters most, I will say my prayers and start all over again tomorrow with those two smiling faces that teach me so much. Something to look forward to...

July 9, 2014 New kind of happiness...

Oh if only this life was easy or if I understood it at all. Easy is not a word I know anymore that is for sure. People say your happy, funny if they ever knew what happy was in this life. Its learning a new happy and I new way to live knowing that everything you thought you knew was a no more. You can find happy but its a new kind of happy with all kinds of depths and valleys, laughs, smiles, tears and anger. Its isn't just walking away from the past because the past has changed you forever. You never move on you just learn to move forward and give your self a second chance. 

Wednesday, July 2, 2014 - 3 Years Just a Date...

It’s a date on the calendar that marks 3 years since our world was shattered; guess I have a lot of mixed feeling about this day. For us closest today is just that, it marks a date, we don’t miss him anymore today than we did yesterday or last year or three years ago. For us closest it is a daily struggle of how to make a new life without Derek, how to help our boys grow and have peace in their life. It is a lot to think that it has been three years, in ways that is a long time and seems like a long time but in a way it doesn’t seem so long. Time does help in some ways and in ways time makes other things harder. But in this life and world you have choices, we continue to move forward, grow, heal, learn, and grief as we find a little more peace as we go along.

Some days I don’t even know what that means but I have learned that I don’t let myself go some places too deep because in those places we can’t fix what is missing and we can’t change it. God has blessed me in many ways and I as clear as it was that day laying on the ground, I fight to make a life for our boys where they can smile, laugh and know that there is a place where they will see their daddy again one day but until then he will watch over us and be proud of everything we push ourselves to do. It’s not always easy and with a lot of it still comes tears and anger but we fight past it.

We miss him so much every day not just today and we fight everyday with the littlest and biggest things that we have to do and decide without him by our side. But we do it and we try not to let the pain hurt too deep or let the loss take more from us than it already has.

Monday, February 26, 2014 Staying Straight...

Not always an easy thing to stay on a good calm path, this journey is full of waves of grief and feelings of all kind. It effects every thought, feeling and thing you do the rest of your life. That can sometimes be a good effect or a bad effect. I miss the feeling that everything would always be okay, that imaginary world that we all live in until the loss of someone close to us happens and complete crushes everything you ever believed in and thought could never touch you. It's a profound feeling of instability like nothing will ever be stable anymore and with time it passes a little but still comes on from time to time. You no longer know what stable is but you find your way and a new outlook and with a lot of praying God helps you find your way. He bring people into your life to help you learn, love and live is this new normal that you have been handed.
The waves come at different times and I can never tell when they will come or go! It's like when you watch the waves on the beach. You can see them roll in and with each wave it take some of the sand and makes it fresh. With my grief the waves do leave healing and a fresh feeling that is was a stage I had to go through but I always wonder if the waves will ever slow or stop. I don't think they will and I am okay with that, I will deal as they come and know that is where God and Derek are to comfort me along this journey.
I try to remember in these times to learn what I can and let myself feel it, rather it is sad, anger or whatever. You have to let yourself feel to get through it. I've had better days but I've also seen a lot worse. I don't have everything I want but I do have what I need to live a good life. I have to remember even when I wake up with some aches and pains rather be emotionally or physically that
I woke up. I am here for a reason and my life is far from prefect but I am very blessed.

Thursday, February 20, 2014 Bald Head...

Rough night, was watching the Olympics with the boys and there was a story about this girl that died on the half pipe 2 years ago after getting her sport into the games. She was married and young, just hit her head the wrong way. It is sad and I guess just got to me. So I put the boys to bed as we do every night, gather in Garret's bed to hold hands and say our prayers. It breaks my heart so much for our boys, we miss Derek everyday but it hurts my heart so much to see them grow without him and miss out on so much. I hate it for them and I don't know if I can ever understand. 

I was standing in the Federal Express Kinkos today to ship something for work and out of the corner of my eye something made my heart stop and at first I didn't know why. Then I turned and there was this guy standing at the photo machine about Derek's height with a Bald Head, I just caught his bald head out of the corner of my eye and it made me stop. It was a weird feeling and I use to do that in the store all the time when I would catch a glance at someone with that shaved head like Derek's. 

In the end I have to dry my tears, say my prayers and go to sleep so I can get up tomorrow and take care of our boys and put a smile on. Most days we got this and do really good no matter how much we miss Derek we know we can't change it and we have to live for him. But my heart always hurts for my boys in a way I can't even explain in words. 

They interviewed the parents and husband of this girl I was talking about and her mom said something that I have said before. 

I say the worse thing that ever happened to me was losing Derek but really the worse thing would have been never having him at all. I have said that in the past even on my hardest days and it hit close to hear someone else use the same kind of words. Guess its the things we tell ourselves and believe to help us heal but it is true. I am blessed to have had Derek for the time I did and as much as it hurts to see my boys grow without their wonderful father I know that they will be okay because of the father he was. 

Sunday, February 9, 2014 Soccer Days...

It was a weekend of ballgames for us, four total and it was enough to completely exhaust me. The boys love it and I love seeing them play. It was really fun on Sunday we showed up early for our game and an older team was playing a game, the boys and I sat to the side and watched. I was telling them stories of when Derek use to play and how much I enjoyed watching him play. Derek loved indoor and outdoor and was really upset when he just couldn’t play as hard as he use to after his ACL surgery. He tried but he said if he couldn’t play with 110% then he didn’t want to play and he found himself holding back due to the reminder of his injury, it put a little fear in him to go through that again. And if you knew Derek he unfortunately did have much fear. I still thought he played great after the surgery but after cracking his brace down the middle after surgery he finallydecided it was not as fun playing and holding back. He wasn’t one that held back on anything at all. The boys enjoyed talking about Derek playing soccer and the stories, Ethan loves soccer and plays with heart, Ethan feels close to his daddy on the field. As far Garret he misses his dad on the field but still loves the sport but his heart is in basketball.  Garret is funny, he bounces the ball just like Derek did when he is shooting a free throw and even tosses it up in the air the same way. Those two boys are my heart and soul, can’t explain in words how much love I have for them and how blessed I am to have them. I am proud as can be of both of them and the little independent men they are turning into. They amaze me with the things they come up with and how very smart they are when it comes to things, they are findingtheir way, figure things and people out every day and enjoy life even after the many things they have had to face at their age.

Friday, February 7, 2014 Amazing Grace...

So I've been transferring videos to DVD so that I will have them for the boys. It is a mix of so many different feelings seeing some of our memories on tape. I am glad we have the vidoes and wish we had taped more.

One of the first that I tranferred was a Christmas in 1999 before we had  the boys, Maddie and Brent were so little, seeing you on there and then my dad walking around and Peyton so small, just is a lot to take. Then all the video of Garret and his rough start into this world. Our family has for sure had a lot to handle and deal with but we always made it through together. Now I have to make it without you by my side and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Most days I look in the mirror and think "I got this" but there are still so many moments that I don't know if another step is possible. 

There is one video that I took the picture attached to this blog from and it was when we were at Kosair Hospital when Garret was still really sick. You are singing to him, and in this picture you are singing Amazing Grace. That was one of the songs we played at your funeral, that's not how it is supposed to be. Those moments seem like yesterday and some days it feels like we blinked and here we are 12 years later but you are not with us and its a lot to handle and deal with.