Thursday, February 20, 2014 Bald Head...

Rough night, was watching the Olympics with the boys and there was a story about this girl that died on the half pipe 2 years ago after getting her sport into the games. She was married and young, just hit her head the wrong way. It is sad and I guess just got to me. So I put the boys to bed as we do every night, gather in Garret's bed to hold hands and say our prayers. It breaks my heart so much for our boys, we miss Derek everyday but it hurts my heart so much to see them grow without him and miss out on so much. I hate it for them and I don't know if I can ever understand. 

I was standing in the Federal Express Kinkos today to ship something for work and out of the corner of my eye something made my heart stop and at first I didn't know why. Then I turned and there was this guy standing at the photo machine about Derek's height with a Bald Head, I just caught his bald head out of the corner of my eye and it made me stop. It was a weird feeling and I use to do that in the store all the time when I would catch a glance at someone with that shaved head like Derek's. 

In the end I have to dry my tears, say my prayers and go to sleep so I can get up tomorrow and take care of our boys and put a smile on. Most days we got this and do really good no matter how much we miss Derek we know we can't change it and we have to live for him. But my heart always hurts for my boys in a way I can't even explain in words. 

They interviewed the parents and husband of this girl I was talking about and her mom said something that I have said before. 

I say the worse thing that ever happened to me was losing Derek but really the worse thing would have been never having him at all. I have said that in the past even on my hardest days and it hit close to hear someone else use the same kind of words. Guess its the things we tell ourselves and believe to help us heal but it is true. I am blessed to have had Derek for the time I did and as much as it hurts to see my boys grow without their wonderful father I know that they will be okay because of the father he was.