Thursday, May 17, 2012
I’m fearful of everything these days, Confused, Stressed. Why? I guess we always want a guarantee on our decisions. That if we make a mistake things will be quickly fixed. And when the fixes aren’t quick, then we second guess or it’s not how we thought things were going to go. But that’s not life is it?! Life is FULL of complications. Full of change. Change that you don’t want. Full of the ups and downs. But going through these changes and how we build our character and how we learn, that’s what defines ourselves isn’t it.
At least I would like to believe that, been a rough week and don't have much to post today! Was sick as a dog last night and I think it was just the week beating me up, and no sleep. I NEED sleep!!! Here is to a good next few days and a weekend with family and good friends.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012 Darkest Nights....

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise!!! Good Morning D, love and miss you!!!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012 Simple Life...
I WANT THE SIMPLE LIFE but I don't think anything will ever be simple for me again. Life will try to drag us down, beat us up and leave us laying there, it is our choice to get up and keep going. I for one can tell you that it is not easy. I always thought life was what you make it but that statement has a different meaning now. I believe we can still have a huge impact on our own lives but we have to have the courage to do it and make a difference no matter how much of a struggle it is, because in the end it will be worth it, at least we have to believe that. I believe that with as much heart as I have left these days but even know they are my own words I still struggle with pushing down walls and seeing that things will get better. I know for a fact that I have came a long way in 10 months & 12 days, some of it I was so numb that I don't even remember feeling anything. These days I feel everything, even the things that I way over think and create a problem that wasn't there. So how do we keep pushing forward when life is knocking us down, anyone get an easy answer to that then let me know. I live for my boys and I am learning to live for myself as hard as that is. For me it seems SIMPLE, I want to feel okay and secure, I want to know that people are going to be in my life for a long time, I don't like having the feeling that I can lose people so easy, rather it is by an accident or by choice. I never realized what a security I had knowing that I had someone there for 15 years that I never once thought would go anywhere. Now I feel like I can't hang on to anyone or anything. That is a struggle in myself. When I start sinking sometimes I remember back to a very bad time in the hospital when I had decided to give up, I was done, tired mentally, physically and emotionally. I laid in the crack of the bed between the mattress and rail for 3 to 4 days, I refused to talk, eat or feel anything at all. I remember Stephanie walking in my room (after being picked up at the airport) and I could even see the pain on her face when she could see it on my face. I remember waking up with Mark at the end of my bed 3-4 morning to tell me that I didn't get a choice in giving up, that I had to fight. I remember Sharon (who hates hospitals) staying the night to give mom a break and trying her best to talk me into eating pudding, I don't think she slept at all that night. I remember Travis laying by my bed one night to hold my hand to make me feel a little safe for a night between flash back and pain. I remember Lonny working 12 hour days and going home to shower and come see me at the hospital and telling me everything will be okay. I remember the look in my sister, mom and dad's eyes when I decided I couldn't do this and wanted to give up. I remember Angela coming every night to just sit, talk or not talk, whatever I needed. All the nights of Julie painting my nails to make me feel better, or shaving my legs. Those and so many people took time out of their lives to help me stop sinking. In the end, I decided to live and to fight, without the help of a pill or anything else, it was me that made that choice with the help of people around me. So we do control some things in our life, we choose to look at the good and not let the bad get us down. Look around, I am sure everyone has something or someone they can think of that makes them smile a little or get that little warm feeling inside. I even have a little of that at this point and no matter how scary that is, I have to hold on to those things to make me keep going till I find okay or even good. I hope for the day that I can say "I had an awesome day" don't use the word awesome or great much these days but I am getting use to okay and good sometimes. It will never be the same and I will always struggle with things that I don't share with many people but in the end I will keep trying to push forward, I will keep trying to find out what life has for me. A friend sent me a picture that was about 6-7 months old of me in my wheelchair, with my bar on, I remember that picture being taken, I was in a low spot still and we still didn't know if my hips would hold me, but my boys faces say it all, they were happy that I was sitting there alive. But last night I walked the track that I have now ran on and walked on a number of times during soccer practice before and after the accident, and I have came a long way which is a daily struggle inside for me. I still see Derek coaching our boys on those fields since they were little when I run and it makes me push even harder.

Sunday, May 13, 2012 Mother's Day...

Mother's Day like every holiday now is so different. Last mother's day like every one before I would wake to Derek laying beside me watching me sleep to tell me all the wonderful things that he loved and appreciated about me being a wife and a mom, including all the things that he overlooked all year long. This morning I woke up in a hotel room with my boys trying to focus on them and that's what I will try to do today. Being a mother is the best gift in the world and my boys are amazing.
Happy Mother's Day to my mother in law, Today is a hard day for her and I feel so sad for her, I can't imagine the sadness she is dealing with but I know Derek loved her and was very proud to have her as a mother, no mother should ever have to experience what she is going through. I pray that GOD and Derek will give her some peace and healing through this day and every day after. She was an amazing mother to Derek and he knew that every day and was the man he was because of her.
Happy Mother's Day to my mom, she has truly proven to me what being a mother is all about with how she has majorly stepped in and taken care of me during the hardest thing in my life. She physically, mentally and emotionally has been there and made sure I got up every morning and realized I had to live my life no matter how painful it was. She truly loved Derek like her own, heck sometimes Derek teased she liked him more because she always took care of him more then me, LOL. I can see his smile now when he would say that mom called to ask what he wanted for dinner. I thank GOD that he gave mom that phone call from Derek the Thursday before the accident, he was an amazing man.
Happy Mother's Day to all my friends and family who are blessed in this world to be a mother. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Thank you all for the text that started at 2am this morning. Every one means the world to me. Love You All!

Saturday, May 12, 2012 Soccer Tournament

Our first traveling soccer tournament to Richmond, Ky. Derek was missed more then I can even describe. He should have been on the side lines for our boys, it is not fair that they have to go without him. They miss him so much especially on the soccer field. We had a horrible ref and two parents ejected, and oh Derek would have been tossed out along with them. Could see him now yelling on the sideline, just not fair to our boys.

Friday, May 11, 2012 Picking up the pieces...

Restless night but different then others, won't call it one of my worst but just different. Had a good day yesterday and started really feeling like we are really getting some peace and picking up the pieces. 14 years ago, heck 10 to 14 months ago if you would have told me I would be here, I could have never imagined. I don't think anyone could have imagined or would want to or know until your in these shoes. It is a life I don't wish on anyone but along the way I am learning, praying and trying to trust in GOD, Derek, family & friends to live again and be strong for everyone including myself. I would never trade the past 19 years that I had knowing Derek and our life together, even know it ended in such a painful way & way too soon, we had forever and I had my soul mate for an amazing 19 years. He is a part of me and my boys, he took a piece of me with him but he is helping me heal the rest. We could all learn from Derek, he loved life, loved family & friends, and loved GOD. I think GOD put things in our life and let some things happen the year before the accident that never meant anything until now when I look back. This includes people, things and even conversation Derek and I had, GOD was working in our life and with Derek. Derek told me in Waffle house one night that GOD was wanting him to do more, never thought much about it till the accident. Two weeks before the accident Derek asked me to start praying with him at night, thank you Dr T For being an amazing person in our lives, an amazing best friend to Derek when he needed it most & continuing to be a major part in the boys and my life, you give me a comfort I can never describe in words. GOD put people in our life and in Derek's life, I have to trust that it was all for a reason. And now after more then 10 months I think GOD & Derek are still putting people in our life to help us and guide us in picking up the pieces to our new life, in which Derek will always be a part of forever.
I had lunch and dinner with two people in my life that I think will be a huge part of all that. Everyone is going through their own struggles, and being challenged and making us all question why, is GOD in control but in the end it is faith and you have to believe, what other choice do we have, I don't like the other option which is nobody is in control, because I know I'm not or I wouldn't be sitting here. I have to believe that GOD & Derek know what I need & my boys need to find peace and healing, they will put people in our life, old friends and new that will help us along this journey. We will pick up the pieces, probably drop a few more then once but in the end not feel so shattered. It is a scary journey, and I fight it everyday but nobody promised it would be easy. I would rather live shattered then to not have had Derek in my life for 19 years. For me it is one day at a time to rebuild our life, my heart and my boys. Yesterday was a good day and we will take that. What tomorrow brings only GOD knows and I know it has to be better then what we have been through because nothing could ever hurt like that again or shatter me to that point. Tomorrow I may not be as trusting in GOD but it is a day to day process. I will continue to fall apart one day and pick up the pieces the next. As long as we pick them back up and continue going that is the hard part.
We have a soccer tournament this weekend, I'll try to post some pictures, the boys are excited for their first travel tournament.

Thursday, May 10, 2012 Life...

Life is the sum of experiences that we encounter as we go through life.

Day to day struggles and triumphs are experienced by all of the world's creatures.

As human beings, when we encounter a challenge, we have freedom to choose how to react.

Every decision that we make leads us down a different road.

We will never come to exactly the same crossroads.

Every decision that we make has significance.

The tiniest choice that we make reverberates throughout the entire universe.

Make every decision carefully, but sometimes you need ot follow your heart and not

the fear you have inside. As we all know life is too short so let the people in your life know you care

and try to live each day to the fullest!!!