I WANT THE SIMPLE LIFE but I don't think anything will ever be simple for me again. Life will try to drag us down, beat us up and leave us laying there, it is our choice to get up and keep going. I for one can tell you that it is not easy. I always thought life was what you make it but that statement has a different meaning now. I believe we can still have a huge impact on our own lives but we have to have the courage to do it and make a difference no matter how much of a struggle it is, because in the end it will be worth it, at least we have to believe that. I believe that with as much heart as I have left these days but even know they are my own words I still struggle with pushing down walls and seeing that things will get better. I know for a fact that I have came a long way in 10 months & 12 days, some of it I was so numb that I don't even remember feeling anything. These days I feel everything, even the things that I way over think and create a problem that wasn't there. So how do we keep pushing forward when life is knocking us down, anyone get an easy answer to that then let me know. I live for my boys and I am learning to live for myself as hard as that is. For me it seems SIMPLE, I want to feel okay and secure, I want to know that people are going to be in my life for a long time, I don't like having the feeling that I can lose people so easy, rather it is by an accident or by choice. I never realized what a security I had knowing that I had someone there for 15 years that I never once thought would go anywhere. Now I feel like I can't hang on to anyone or anything. That is a struggle in myself. When I start sinking sometimes I remember back to a very bad time in the hospital when I had decided to give up, I was done, tired mentally, physically and emotionally. I laid in the crack of the bed between the mattress and rail for 3 to 4 days, I refused to talk, eat or feel anything at all. I remember Stephanie walking in my room (after being picked up at the airport) and I could even see the pain on her face when she could see it on my face. I remember waking up with Mark at the end of my bed 3-4 morning to tell me that I didn't get a choice in giving up, that I had to fight. I remember Sharon (who hates hospitals) staying the night to give mom a break and trying her best to talk me into eating pudding, I don't think she slept at all that night. I remember Travis laying by my bed one night to hold my hand to make me feel a little safe for a night between flash back and pain. I remember Lonny working 12 hour days and going home to shower and come see me at the hospital and telling me everything will be okay. I remember the look in my sister, mom and dad's eyes when I decided I couldn't do this and wanted to give up. I remember Angela coming every night to just sit, talk or not talk, whatever I needed. All the nights of Julie painting my nails to make me feel better, or shaving my legs. Those and so many people took time out of their lives to help me stop sinking. In the end, I decided to live and to fight, without the help of a pill or anything else, it was me that made that choice with the help of people around me. So we do control some things in our life, we choose to look at the good and not let the bad get us down. Look around, I am sure everyone has something or someone they can think of that makes them smile a little or get that little warm feeling inside. I even have a little of that at this point and no matter how scary that is, I have to hold on to those things to make me keep going till I find okay or even good. I hope for the day that I can say "I had an awesome day" don't use the word awesome or great much these days but I am getting use to okay and good sometimes. It will never be the same and I will always struggle with things that I don't share with many people but in the end I will keep trying to push forward, I will keep trying to find out what life has for me. A friend sent me a picture that was about 6-7 months old of me in my wheelchair, with my bar on, I remember that picture being taken, I was in a low spot still and we still didn't know if my hips would hold me, but my boys faces say it all, they were happy that I was sitting there alive. But last night I walked the track that I have now ran on and walked on a number of times during soccer practice before and after the accident, and I have came a long way which is a daily struggle inside for me. I still see Derek coaching our boys on those fields since they were little when I run and it makes me push even harder.
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