How can you just be gone??? I get through my days know I have to live and not really over thinking everything or at least try not too, don't always succeed at that. I've been going to your office for a couple weeks now but today it really was a struggle. Every time I am there I see things or have memories of your time there but I push them off because I can't fall apart every time I see it. I didn't fall apart today, I didn't even cry but I find it really hard today to push off those thougths and feelings. I've had something else on my mind all morning to keep me distracted that I am way over thinking but then I go to get a water from the kitchen that you built here and when I open the cabinet, there is all our old dishes I gave you for here and there is your canned soup that you would keep here and even a bottle in the fridge of yours, I smiled a little but it stung also, then I start messing in the warehouse and there is your wonderful handwriting on a box and your signature on a piece of paper. How can all these things still be here and you just be gone in a heartbeat. Seems like yesterday you were walking in the door, or walking up behind me in the kitchen and putting your arms around me as you kissed me on the neck. And the way you use to put the boys to bed by telling them a story, tickling their neck or shaking their entire bed. Or our nights we would all sit and read a book or the bible and lay around in the boys floor and talk. Or that little look you would get on your face that looks like your boys when your up to no good. So many memories that I hold dear and will always no matter what. I miss your eyes, your legs, your smiling and mostly your laugh. I want to see you, to be able to have one more conversation so you can help me understand what I'm suppose to be doing and not be so scared of things. You knew me more then anyone, every good, bad and ugly. Every pain, every scar, every thought and every heart ache of mine till now. The heart aches now are beyond belief even when they don't have to do with you, it all hurts to the soul, and nobody can ever understand that. You didn't leave me much heart because you took so much of it with you, but what I have left I am yet again picking up the pieces, and it stinks.
Someone told me that I will always want my life back and everyone should expect that, because I didn't get a choice. I was also told by this same person that you get one soul mate and that I will never have what I had with you. And I get that and I don't want that with anyone else but to never feel that way again is breath taking. I was starting to feel less numb for a while but I have fell back into that numb feeling, guess it will come and go in this life, but I don't like numb, it's just easier then hurting.
I will always love you, you were my best friend, wonderful father to our children and husband. I can't imagine to far ahead these days but I know that you are watching over us and that we will be okay. I think that is why I slid backyards, I looked to far ahead, thought I was in a good place and thought I would be okay, and then realized that nothing in my life will ever be easy again and that I still need to take it a day at a time. We will hurt, we will cry, but we will laugh and smile also because we had you and you were more then life to us. Thank you for being you and giving us all of you everyday!!!
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