Tuesday, May 29, 2012 High School...

We thought high school was the entire world back then, wow how easy it was then. High school will never prepare you for what life really is and some people still act like they are in high school, which is funny and sad. We thought we knew so much back then, but the fact is we knew nothing at all.
It's been a day for me, I've been doing really good but sometimes things can still bring me to my knees. I had decided I was going to the cemetery today, then workout before dinner. But I tried driving to the cemetery and I couldn't do it, so many things started flashing in my head. The day just got the best if me, my much needed dinner plans changed last minute, I then find out a friends husband was in a bad accident and Daniel (our farm Lab) is at vet and not good, and that will crush my boys. Wow how much more, anyone want to punch me in the gut more. After letting some frustration out at gym, I went and ran the BC high school track where I went to high school. Did some thinking and texting with a good friend who helped me see a few things better, but it still always hurts. Lesson learned as we say!!! Things and people will come and go in life, some we will be able to hold on to and some will slip away without us noticing or because we aren't given a choice. For me it's the problem of understanding WHY, the big question that I have to so many things in my life. I see so many people these days that just choose to not be happy and I will never understand that, life is hard but short. We get one chance at it and we should make the best of it.
I haven't gotten to make a lot of big choices in my life, I didn't get to decide to be a widow (hate that word) or a single mom with two boys but that is what I am and I will live it to the fullest for Derek, my boys and myself. It's like I told a friend today, we will have a lot to deal with on this journey we are on, we can choose to fall or support each other and stand strong. I choose to stand, or fall to my knees and try to pray when it gets hard. It's days like today that make that hard, makes me want to crawl into my ball and disappear but I can't do it, I will not let life tear me down.
Tomorrow it's off to Elizabethtown again, just what I need after today. I had and know what true love, for better or worse & FOREVER really means, and I miss that like hell. I didn't get to choose for that to be ripped out of my life, but now I have to figure out what my new forever will look like day by day, but somedays it is hard to see through all the stuff smacking me in the face. Every little thing stings so bad because my pain is still so raw.