Well it has been a week from hell but in the end I have learned a lot, some good and some bad about myself but in the end I have discovered a lot of things. Some people will not understand any of this or read into it wrong but this blog is for me and me alone and the journey that I am on to where ever I am headed. I have already made mistakes and really regret some things and people I may loose because of it but I know now that I can't keep being scared and letting what has happened in my life define who I am and how I feel.
For me it was realizing that I can't let that day completely control my every action and thought. I can't do that anymore, it was a horrible day that not everyone knows to many details about but I can never explain to anyone how I replay every moment of the accident in my head and it seemed to last forever. I remember where my hands where on Derek's waist, I remember every muscle in his body, I remember five minutes before him reaching down and rubbing my leg to say I Love You. I remember every muscle in his body trying to fight to keep us alive on that day. I remember flying over him and hitting the ground every single time, I remember finally laying and immediately standing up and taking exactly two and a half steps towards him to fall and see him dead in front of me. I still have that picture of him laying face down on the concrete in my head for life and it is the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night. I have struggled with regret for not walking over to him more, I regret saying yes to that bike ride that he begged me to go on, I regret so much that day but in the end there is nothing anyone can do to change it or bring him back. I can never tell you in words the horrible feeling, guilt and pain that I have every day for watching my husband die that day. It is a pain that I will carry for the rest of my life. But I know now that I can't let that define who I am and how I love the people around me. I could not control what happen that day but every moment since then I have tried to control every little thing in my life to the point that I have crushed people, pushed people and totally not liked who I was or how I was reacting. I know now that I am more then that and I can have a life and live, I want to live for the first time in a long time. I still have bad days and I still have flash backs but I want to live, be happy and love people. I just pray that the people that I have hurt and pushed understand that this isn't me, that I have work to do and that I am scared to death. I can only take it a day at a time and see where I end up. I will live everyday for my boys and for myself. I can't control every detail of my life, sometimes we have to sit back and let things just happen and sometimes it will be good but if not then we tried and we didn't mess it up by trying to control everything. All this has a lot to do with a number of things in my life right now, from my house, my boys, my attitude, my emotions, my friends, my family and all the people I truly love in my life.
With that I am probably going to take a break from my blog and facebook for a while and focus on more important things in my life including myself. I have work to do and I am starting to realize a lot of things. It will be more ups and downs I am sure but I will figure some things out and work on me.
I don't want the pain to control me anymore, I want to sit and breathe, I have been saying and trying for a while to breathe, I have told a few peoeple that I want to just breathe. But sometimes it is what actaully takes our breath away that are the important things and I have had a few like that. Thanks for my friends and family I have had some of that, I have had some laughs and cries but I can't wrap my happiness around all that, I want to be happy for me and in myself.
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