Friday, May 18, 2012 Honor Roll...
Would love to say I had a good nights sleep but think I've given up on that by now. Starting to do pretty good without it these days, guess the body gets use to it after this long. I did get a much needed workout and good dinner with good company last night so that made for an okay night.
Well my two wonderful boys had their last day of school yesterday for this year and were happy as can be. They both made the honor roll all year long, they amaze me everyday. So I took them for ice cream last night after we came home for awhile. We went to DQ for blizzers per their request and sat outside to talk. So while sitting at DQ in Shepherdsville we talk about last day of school and different stuff. Then Ethan says we use to all do this with dad here. And he is correct, Derek liked his ice cream just like they did, I always went but like last night didn't eat it. So we started talking about memories and stuff we did. They remembered that three weeks before the accident we went and played Putt Putt on the new course at Kart Kountry. It was nice to hear them talk but at the same time I was fighting back the tears every minute. I can't explain the pain I feel when I have to sit and hear my boys tell me we USE to or we DID this with dad. My sweet boys shouldn't have to be telling memories about their father, they should be living them. For me I will manage and deal but as I have said so many times before, my biggest pain is watching my boys grow up without their father to share things with and without Derek being able to share them with them. He had so many things he wanted to do with them and show them. I remember Derek saying so many times, I can't wait till we do this or they are old enough to do this. And that is all gone in a second. How do I fix that or make it better???? I can continue to do the things I do but it will never make it okay that they lost a huge part in this, really they lost more then any of us in this and it just isn't fair. That part will never get easier.
I know they are doing okay, or as good as they can. They enjoy things and I love to see them smile but for me it is a pain that I hate that they have to bare. They then jumped to another subject and were laughing and smiling again, that the amazing thing with kids. They are getting that spark back in their eyes when they talk about things. They are such country boys, they talked for 30 minutes about going to Lonny's farm and Eric's farm to see the animals and asking me when can they go back. They would go everyday if I would let them. They love the animals, fishing, running around and doing that boy stuff and being around the male role models in their life. I guess that's that best thing I can do. On Mother's Day they were up at the pond and fished for hours in the rain and mud, they didn't even get much that day but they will stand there and cast over and over. It helped that Uncle Lonny built them a dock, and yes he built it for them and put it in the spot for them. So rotten.
The picture below is at Barren Lake, one of our many times camping there, they look so young and there is Derek fishing in the back ground, and he didn't fish much, no patiences for it. They grow up so fast and time goes by too fast.