I have figured out a lot the past couple weeks, I am starting to find myself, understanding and accept my myself more everyday. I remember my mom questioning me when I told her I needed to find me, because she didn't want me to think I had lost myself. But I had, I wasn't just me for a long time, when you are with the same person for 15 years you become an us which is an amazing thing that I enjoyed every day, even the bad days. But then when that changes in a day, you don't know what or who you are and I am still working on it. But for the first time, I think I am getting there. There are things and people in my life that have helped and are helping me do this and they probably don't even know they are doing it. I have struggled with people telling me I am strong because I was so broken inside, I hated to here that and didn't feel strong. I am sure I am going to have days I don't feel strong and I hope those are the days my friends support me more but for now, for the first time in over 10 months, I feel strong and I feel okay with myself. If you have been following my blog you will see that I have been struggling with some things for a bit and probably don't understand it in detail but for me it was learning things about myself and the people that I felt I needed so bad in my life for me to be okay, the little things and people sometimes would hold me together, and I still need these people in my life. I had to figure out that my happiness and my ability to be happy and okay never should be wrapped around something or someone. That was a hard fact to understand when my happiness and what made me complete for so many years was my family, I mean I loved myself but I lived for my family. That is a wonderful thing but when it gets ripped out from under you it can totally knock your legs out from under you. Today I feel okay standing on my own two feet, it won't be like this every day I know that, I still have a ways to go but every good day I will take and it will help me make it through the bad days. I have some amazing people in my life, too many to mention and the ones that unfortuniately I have met because we share a common lose with a husband or wife, those are the bittersweet relationships. I can text or call these people anytime and they totally get it where some people I hope will never understand what this does to our hearts, heads and soul.
I struggle with wanting to know everything now and wanting to rush life because I know how easy you can lose it but really no matter how hard it is, we all have to slow down and look at ourselves and the people around us and appreicate every minute. Derek got that so much and really started understanding it the year before the accident. As much as I question God and all I know, God gave Derek and I some things that past year that made us better parents, husband and wife and best friends. It is hard to not have my best friend by my side anymore but I finally am cherishing the memories and what I have, the memories are starting to be less painful and that is a lot for me.
I am always myself, never any more or any less, I will never lose myself no matter how far I go. I am strong in the eye of the strom and shall triumph towards success. And when it feels too much, there is always much more I can lose - if I let it go. I know I am stronger than any evil, so no matter what happens, I will alway be myself.
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