Long sleepless night, surprise, think I am starting to get use to not sleeping much after 10 months. In the 2 hours I did sleep last night I had a dream, I don't really remember much but a very detailed part, I remember that both boys were very upset about something and in their room (they were younger) and I was standing in the hallway and walked towards the phone and said do you want to talk to dad? And right before I actually touched the phone, I remembered we couldn't talk to dad anymore that he was gone, then I woke up. Wow it hurt just as bad in my dream as it does in real life. But Today is a new day and as a friend tells me, I will put on my boots, tie them up tight and keep going. The sun will come up on a new day.
Really having a hard time the past couple weeks with what to do for a couple friends. I have three friends that are really going through a rough time and completely shutting down on me. I have really pushed and tried to be there for them but not really working. I guess for me just sitting back and not trying to help hurts more then the fact that they aren't letting me in. I know first hand how life can really beat you up and I did a good job of putting up walls and pushing people away but I had amazing friends that didn't go for that and pushed until I let go. Some days it took a while but I am here today because of those friends. I want to be there for my friends, that is what friendship is about, no matter what I have to deal with I still can listen and care about their problems. I know they don't feel like I need more on my plate but it's not more, it helps me to be there for my friends like they were for me. I know how it is to shut down and not let people in but I also know that it is a lot easier with friends.
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