Monday, May 28, 2012 Fun by the Pool...

Good day of laying by the pool, relaxing, watching the kids play and enjoying family.

Day of relaxing after a long weekend!!!

Monday, May 28, 2012 True Friendship...

I have many friends and family that have been there before, during and after the accident in my life and they are all very special to me. But I want to take a moment to appreicate one friendship that has always been so dear to my heart like so many. She has been here for my good, bad and ugly since high school, after and even when Derek and I first got together. I don't share many of the pictures from the hospital but I will this one. Her and her family got in the car as soon as they heard and drove straight through to the hospital and were there when I finally remember waking up a week later. I was so sick in this picture and only out of ICU very shortly, I was totally lost without Derek, I remember that day and so many, very well and it sucked.
I spent this past weekend in West Virginia and had a good weekend with family and friends. These are the friends that are family no matter what, as Derek always said "make your family your friends and your friends your family". Peggy has always been a wonderful friend and we have been there for each other through so much, we never imagined this would be one of them. I can't even explain in words but she is a friend that I only have to have close to me and not even talk and it calms me and makes me feel okay down to my soul, that is a lot to me right now. I remember a night at the house after I got home finally after the accident and I had about 20 people running around my house and I was struggling with holding back the tears and just yelling at the top of my lungs but as I looked down at her sitting on the couch holding my feet, she calmed me just by looking at me with a look that said it's okay, I sat and let the tears run down my face in silentence and she just understood without words. It felt good to sit and talk for hours this weekend, and see on her face that she was so happy to see in my eyes that I was going to be okay and that I wanted to live again. It was hard to leave today, took a lot to let go of that hug and wipe the tears but no matter how far apart we are she is always close to me. Peggy thank you for everything! Derek loved you so much from the first time he met you and he thought the world of you and your family. He loved coming to visit every time!

True friendship isn't seen with the eyes, it is felt with the heart.
When there is trust, understanding, loyalty, and sharing.
True friendship is a rare feeling, but when it is found
It has profound impact on our well-being, strength, and character.
True friendship does not need elaborate gifts
Or spectacular events in order to be valuable or valued.
To ensure long-lasting quality and satisfaction,
True friendship only needs a few key ingredients:
Undying loyalty, unmatched understanding, unsurpassed trust,
Deep and soulful secrets, and endless sharing.
These ingredients, mixed with personality and a sense of humor,
Can make a friendship last a lifetime!
This is just a thank you, my friend, for all the wonderful and colorful
Special ingredients You've brought to my life!

 

Sunday, May 27, 2012 Good Times, Bittersweet...

Having a good weekend away with some wonderful friends. Good day of seeing Haeley for prom, good talks with Peggy, a few tears, seeing old friends and playing cards till early morning. We have a lot of memories up here and Derek always enjoyed visiting everyone. The boys had a long but fun day of being boys, while running around playing ball and sweating. In no hurry to rush back home. Late nights of fun and sleeping in!!!!

Friday, May 25, 2012 Finding ME...

Friday, May 25, 2012 Finding Myself...
I have figured out a lot the past couple weeks, I am starting to find myself, understanding and accept my myself more everyday. I remember my mom questioning me when I told her I needed to find me, because she didn't want me to think I had lost myself. But I had, I wasn't just me for a long time, when you are with the same person for 15 years you become an us which is an amazing thing that I enjoyed every day, even the bad days. But then when that changes in a day, you don't know what or who you are and I am still working on it. But for the first time, I think I am getting there. There are things and people in my life that have helped and are helping me do this and they probably don't even know they are doing it. I have struggled with people telling me I am strong because I was so broken inside, I hated to here that and didn't feel strong. I am sure I am going to have days I don't feel strong and I hope those are the days my friends support me more but for now, for the first time in over 10 months, I feel strong and I feel okay with myself. If you have been following my blog you will see that I have been struggling with some things for a bit and probably don't understand it in detail but for me it was learning things about myself and the people that I felt I needed so bad in my life for me to be okay, the little things and people sometimes would hold me together, and I still need these people in my life. I had to figure out that my happiness and my ability to be happy and okay never should be wrapped around something or someone. That was a hard fact to understand when my happiness and what made me complete for so many years was my family, I mean I loved myself but I lived for my family. That is a wonderful thing but when it gets ripped out from under you it can totally knock your legs out from under you. Today I feel okay standing on my own two feet, it won't be like this every day I know that, I still have a ways to go but every good day I will take and it will help me make it through the bad days. I have some amazing people in my life, too many to mention and the ones that unfortuniately I have met because we share a common lose with a husband or wife, those are the bittersweet relationships. I can text or call these people anytime and they totally get it where some people I hope will never understand what this does to our hearts, heads and soul.
I struggle with wanting to know everything now and wanting to rush life because I know how easy you can lose it but really no matter how hard it is, we all have to slow down and look at ourselves and the people around us and appreicate every minute. Derek got that so much and really started understanding it the year before the accident. As much as I question God and all I know, God gave Derek and I some things that past year that made us better parents, husband and wife and best friends. It is hard to not have my best friend by my side anymore but I finally am cherishing the memories and what I have, the memories are starting to be less painful and that is a lot for me.
I am always myself, never any more or any less, I will never lose myself no matter how far I go. I am strong in the eye of the strom and shall triumph towards success. And when it feels too much, there is always much more I can lose - if I let it go. I know I am stronger than any evil, so no matter what happens, I will alway be myself.

Friday, May 25, 2012 Good Day...
Thursday was a good day and I don't get to always say that much. Boys enjoyed a good day outside running around washing cars and trying to chase birds at moms and dads. I spent the work day in Elizabethtown again at Derek's old office, back next week for a couple days again. I got to spend time with three different friends last night, two I had not seen in a while and one I talk to a lot. I enjoyed seeing each of them, talking and getting some exercise on top of it all. Had some really good talks that are helping me work on trusting in people and God, I am trying but it is a daily schedule. Didn't sleep great last night but first night of restlessness in three nights so I will take it. Heading out of town for some great freinds and some relaxing.

Letting Go...

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it is the realzation that I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hand.

To "let go" in not to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to deny but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings

and to correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my own desires but to take

each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to critize and regulate anybody but to try to become

what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for today.

Wednesday May 23, 2012 Boys and Sleep...
Long day yesterday, went to Elizabethtown to Derek's old office for the first time, and really don't want to share any of that. But I did make to through!!!
Went to the movies last night with Rhonda and Peyton to see Men In Black 3, pretty good movie and the boys liked it. But of course the end of the movie makes us remember our life, don't want to spoil it for anyone. But on the way home Ethan was so tried he feel asleep and Garret grabbed his little notebook to write while we talked. Just asked him how he was doing and all, he always says okay, I told him how proud his daddy and I are of him and more that I won't share. He is an amazing boy but the whole time I am hiding the tears and how hard it is not to just totally cry my eyes out because I have to have these conversations with my boys. They miss Derek so much and it is so painful to watch, that is where I struggle the most these days. He always just writes, I miss you dad you were the best dad in the world, we saw a movie tonight that you would have loved, wish you were here. How do you take that pain away from a 10 year old and why does a 10 year old have to live without his father. But after some talking and snuggling everyone went to bed and got a good nights sleep.
Sleep is becoming a little better for me, between Ethan sleeping in his new bed for three nights now and me letting go of a few things I have been struggling with the past day or so, I actually got 4 1/2 hours sleep straight last night. Probably would have gotten more if I would have stopped answering text but that's okay, I enjoy texting with the people that care to check on us and love us.
Here is to the rest of the week and getting away for a few days this weekend with a great friend and my boys!!! Looking forward to smiling, laughing and relaxing!!!