I've been thinking a lot the past week about where I am and how far we have come in almost 19 months. After a week of thinking, the biggest thing that stands out in my head tonight is being thankful that I had the people I did in my life when it shattered to pieces. Thankful is a hard word to use when you have lost what we have but that's completely what it comes down to, thankful that Derek was in our lives and thankful that we had the people we did in our lives. I would never be where I am or even alive if it wasn't for the friends I have, I don't even put the word family in there because my family are my friends. Looking back I am amazed at the things people stopped their life to do for me and as life moves on people get busy back in life and it makes me understand how much they did stop their life to save mine. I still talk to about everyone, might not be every day or every week but we always find time for a text, lunch or dinner at some point. The boys and I had dinner with a dear friend and his wife, we were talking about life and he was telling me that he never wanted to be a nuisance in our life as we rebuild and continue to heal. That they want to always be there but not to intrude. I can tell you none of my friends will ever be a nuisance or intrude on my life no matter where I am in my journey. Some people say they try to stand back so I can find my way but when I am struggling I tend to retreat so please never feel like you are intruding because some days those little text I still get are what pulls me out of the darkness sometimes.
I'm thankful for everyone that was and is a part of Derek, Garret, Ethan and my life. Thank you for standing by us during the darkest part. Derek would be so touched and proud of each and every one of you. You all know who you are and it was every little thing that was done that saved us and got all three of us to where we are today and where we continue to grow, heal and build our life.
It was the late night text when I wasn't ever sleeping in the hospital but trying to be quiet while my amazingly strong mother slept in my room almost every night. It is the people that came and let my mom have a break during those long days and nights. It was the unspeakable things that four women helped me get past in University during some of the most painful and horrible times. Sharing your own very personal stories with me to try and help me not lose faith and hope. Cornering doctors and making them answer questions that they didn't really want to. Leaving your families and coming to stay at my house and help me and our boys. Or after a long day at work and being completely worn out, still coming to the hospital to hold my hand or check on me. Bringing your kids just so that the boys never felt alone. The late night visits, early morning visits, painting my toes (except my big toe) and my nails to just make me feel better. Giving me a bath and shaving my legs. Rubbing the knots out of my legs when I couldn't lay still. Carrying me to the potty and picking me up when I would fall physically, emotionally and mentally. Feeding me pudding like I was a child because I refuse to eat and wanted to stop fighting. Not touching my toe, cutting socks just right to keep my foot warm but not to even be close to my toe or making sure it didn't get hit. Yelling at me when needed it or laying there holding me while I cried. Taking our wonderful boys and helping them know how much their daddy was loved and cherished. Buying me clothes to fit around my bar, to taking pictures and taking care on picking out Derek and my plots at Duncan. Finding ways to cover that horrible bar when I first couldn't even look down at it. Finding me teddy grahams to eat after every pill that went down. Going to every floor until you found a HoHo for me to eat because that was all I wanted. Spending your date night with your husband or wife in my room to talk and make me laugh or just bringing your dinner up to eat with me. Coming at any time of the night or day when I said I needed you. Vowing to call me every night to make sure we were both dealing okay. To just the simple little visits!!!I remember the first day I spent alone in the hospital, it was Baptist East about 2 1/2 months into this it was the very first time I had even a minute of time without someone by my side. It was a very hard day, I screamed and cried for the first 2 hours, it was the lonest most painful moment. I yelled at Derek because he promised me he would always be there and there I was alone on my own. It was the most deep raw pain, scared as hell and just down right horrible. But I got through it and I realized that as long as I have my family and friends in my life, I will always have Derek in my life and I will never be alone. Granted it is not the same but it goes further and deeper then I could ever imagine. And when you hit rock bottom well that and faith is what brings you back to the surface to just breath.
We will never forget and life will never be the same without Derek in it, it was a better place with his amazing personality, his smile and laugh. Wow miss those so much but he lives in everyone of us now and he is so smiling down on us even know I know he is missing each and every one of us as much as we miss him. And as much as it still to this day takes my breath at some moments or brings me to my knees, I know that I am who I am because of Derek being in my life, he made me a better person because of who he was. So please make sure to think of him often, live a happier and strong life in God because of Derek, that would mean more then anything to him.
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