I have been widowed for 18 months and 21days as of today and I have been writing on this blog for 16 months and 17 days. My first post was September 6, 2011 while I was in Baptist East Hospital to help keep everyone updated. I struggled with a name for it, nothing about family seemed right, nothing sounded right until a friend brought me a song "On A Cloud" and I will never forget, it was the first time I felt Derek close talking to me. I still have a hard time not falling to pieces every time I hear the song. I started this blog as a way to keep everyone informed about our boys and me but as I continued it with some encouragement it became more. It has mostly been a very good outlet for me, and I have been told that it's mostly a good place for widowed and non-widowed people to come and learn about our journey and maybe help them on their own. As of today this will be my 174 post since I started, there have been 11,417 page views from the US, India, Greece, Japan and France. But there have been times, more lately, when I wonder if I've run out of things to write or if this blog is even useful anymore. I still come here when I can't seem to talk to anyone and sometimes I can't even put it all on here but for some reason when I start typing it helps and I don't even know where it comes from some days.
It flowed from the raw pain that I had and the anger I held on to. I still have some of that but my pain isn't so raw any longer, Thank God. I don't think our pain can stay that raw, that intense, that...life-sucking, or we'd never survive it. I still have days that it is but I've found a little peace where God gives me time to breathe without the raw pain. He helps me smile at the memories instead of cry at them. I still have a long ways to go but I finally feel like I am getting there little by little, I see some light and I look forward to what God has in store for me even know I'm scared as hell.
No, I don't miss Derek any less than I did back then, It's just that his absence has become my new normal. I still miss him. Too much to describe, which is probably why I still get tears in my eyes when I do talk about how much I miss him. I still wish he was here, but I no longer spend hours a day wishing that. Because no matter how much I want it, that wish is not coming true. I have learned to look forward and live for today without him, even though I never wanted to...never planned to. I do not live in the past and I try not to look to far ahead in the future because that drives me crazy also.
I miss the me that I was before the accident, I am not the same person. I miss being settled, I miss being a wife and I miss the life before that horrible accident stole a husband, son, friend and father away from his family. The person before all the darkness, pain, fear and emptiness. I use to enjoy having fun, relaxed at any event, and laughed easily. I trusted people readily and had some patience with things and people. I wasn't afraid of life, love or much of anything.
Now I have had to overcome fear, pain and my patience is worst then ever toward people, things and life. But I am learning to handle it. I am learning to handle my Anxiety on my own. But I look and the new me has been strong enough to bury an amazing husband, fight for my life with every pain, surgery and struggle to walk again. I somehow managed to survive and rebuild from the emotional devastation of it all. I help my boys find their way every day to heal and live the wonderful life that Derek and I wanted for them. I've learned to hold on to people dear to me and appreciate every moment, every breath and every minute I have with the amazing people that are in my life. I am still scared of a lot but I refuse to let that control my life. I am still so afraid of losing someone that I desperately love. I've learned what is worth fighting about and over - and when to simply walk away. And life is getting a little easier. I know that I am a completely different person then I was before, some of that is not going to change and I will take the good with the bad. Because I did survive and I am fighting every day and I want our boys to know that no matter what life gives you that God will never leave your side even when you turn away from him, he will patiencely wait and continue to help you in the silence and that you are always stronger then you ever imagined!!!
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