Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy is what Wikipedia says.
Depending on the translation, the Bible uses the words “happy” and “happiness” about 30 times, while “joy” and “rejoice” appear over 300 times.
Happiness is part of the journey, you can't chase it down, you have to let it come into your life.
Happiness has a complete different meaning to everyone I think and I know for me it is different then it was 19 months ago. I want to be happy but as many in my situation know that is not an easy thing to come by, it has an entirely different meaning. Part of us are just scared to be too happy, so scared that it could so easily be taken away again in a blink of an eye but then the other part just craves it because you have hurt for so long that you want it feel something or anything again besides that raw empty pain. But we do embrace life in a entirely different way now, we will always hurt deeper, love stronger and hold tighter to everything around us that makes us stronger.
I feel happiness these days and it feels good but it is scary. I struggle with being happy without Derek here, doesn't seem fair at all but it is the way he would want it to be. He would want us all to live life to the fullest, smile, laugh and love as he did in this world that he was taken from too early. We are finding our way in this world and it brings us peace and happiness.
I had an early breakfast at Waffle House this morning for the first time since being in there in a long time. That was Derek and my little place, we would take the boys there at least two Saturday's a month and they would go pick out songs on the Jude box while we sat and talked. Then during the week we met there at least twice a month alone to have our time before heading to work, just some time the two of us. That was where Derek and Todd would meet, sit and talk about all the things they shared. The last time Derek and I were there for a late night after being out partying we sat in a small booth and he told me that he felt like God was calling him to do something more. We sat and talked about a lot of things that night, most that I will cherish the rest of my life. I can still close my eyes and see the exact booth, the look on his face and clothes he was wearing. I breathe in and I can't believe that man, that amazing personality, smile and laugh is just gone. But I sat there this morning and I know that instead of being afraid of those memories and feelings that I want to cherish them. It was good sitting there, made me smile as I thought about it and I felt peace sitting and talking this morning with an amazing friend as I talked about the memories I had there. I know I will see him again one day and I know he is smiling down on me and he has shown me a lot of things in the past couple months. I have felt him in my life, God is also working in my life daily and I wouldn't be who I am or where I am without either of those things. As much as I have ran from God, I know that I would not be where I am without him by my side, as much as I turned my back on him and still fight anger with him, he never left my side and neither did Derek. Derek told me that in a dream last week, he told me he would never leave me and that is was all going to be okay. The hard reality of waking up out of that dream was rough but I believe he is trying to give me some peace. He will never leave me, he will always be a part of me and a part of me will always belong to him. I see him in his two boys every day as they grow, change and are amazing little men who love life just like their daddy. And I plan on making their life az amazing as I can and that is what they deserve!!!
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