Tuesday, February 26, 2013 True Feeling that aren't spoken...

True feeling are something else, all those things we keep to ourselves. We cry enough, we can't change it and there really isn't any other choice in this life of being a widow but to LIVE. A world where everything feels like a glass put in a bag and beat against a brick wall and then dumped out and you are suppose to get a million pieces and put them all back together in the right order. The problem is there will be no right order because the main piece, Derek is missing so nothing will ever be the same and the while you are picking up the glass you will get cut, hurt and bleed emotionally, physically and mentally. Life is NEVER the same or NORMAL again but it can be good and a new NORMAL with a lot of work and a lot of determination. Just have to get to a point that you know the glass will never be the same but that it can still be a beautiful thing because of what you had with that person. What other choice do we have.
I started thinking a lot last night while texting with another widower friend of mine, he is struggling a lot right now so it brings a lot of these feelings up, I've been there done that, thank goodness we all balance each other out when we are struggling because there are some things we can say to each other that nobody else would ever understand or think we are crazy like... (and these are the mild things)

• I feel cheated. Derek and I didn't have enough time together.  We still had things to do and places to see
• I'm jealous. I envy happy couples.  Especially older couples getting to share their senior years together.
• I want my life back. This is a big one because no matter how far you go there is that want that something was taken away. I miss my old life
• I miss my relationships that change
• I feel empty.....and then full of anger.
• I feel LONELY like nothing you can imagine.
• My Boys were cheated and their father was taken from them way too soon.
• Derek was cheated because he doesn't get to be with his boys as they grow up and that is the one thing he wanted the most in life, to give them an amazing father. Shoot ball, wrestle, play and run around with their father.
• I'm still shocked. I still can close my eyes or picture Derek as he was and it doesn't seem possible that it is gone forever. The energy and life he had. HOW???
• I still hurt and cry when I think of the loss we all have had to face without Derek and the things he will miss. HOW is it possible???
• I feel blessed that I had an amazing man in my life for 19 years who gave me the best years of his life and two amazing little boys
• I cry happy tears when I think of the silly things he use to do.
• I laugh at the thought of some things he would shake his head at (like kids eating in the new car) and pick on me about.

HOW? WHY? WHAT IF? All the things that will eat you alive in this world but you have to let go and know God has control from here. That is the hard part but I know he is working in my life so I have to trust.
Nobody can ever understand what this life is like until you have been here and I pray to God that nobody ever does. I have made some amazing friendships during this new life of mine. I hate the reason we have met but some days they are the only ones that can give you a reason to keep fighting and trying.
We have more good moments then bad these days and I know we will be okay but it is a roller coaster that never ends. It is the tears that come at the weirdest times or the moments it stabs you in the gut with reality. Some days I don't know how we all do it being single parents 24/7 but we do, we do it to see a smile on our kids face and the good feeling it gives us to complete a day and know we did our best. But we never do it alone, it is the friends that still check on us, the family that still helps us by getting kids to game and events, to knowing that God is helping us even when he is silence. We do it because we were given this life to live and we are determined to make the best of it!!!