Monday, January 7, 2013 Take it...

Today was a good day and I really can't say I've been able to say that much lately, been struggling a lot these days and in my world not knowing what to do. But for some reason today I felt a little better and for now I will take a little better. Holidays are over and it's a New Year but grief doesn't go by time or dates, it is a very strong to the core thing even after a year and a half, wow that is hard to shallow. But my boys and I had a good night and smiled so that is my good! I will take it and hope for another positive day tomorrow!!!!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013 New Year 2013...

Well it's another year and I hope it brings more healing, peace and happiness to my family and all my friends. I don't really ever do resolutions during the New Year and never have. I just pray that this year brings my sweet boys a little more peace, they miss their daddy so much every day!!! I love to see them smile and laugh, I will continue to make that happen in this coming year.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012 Our Boys...

It has alreday been a long week and it's only Tuesday. Poor Ethan has been very sick so I've been home with him. Hate seeing my boys so sick but he seems to be on the up side. But it was two long nights of little sleep while he was running a 104.6 fever. The first night at 4am I was not good, he was shaking, fever 104.6 and I couldn't decide what to do and it was all up to me to decide. So I decided to breathe and know that I just needed to give it time since he was still drinking. But laying there it just made it all so much more reality, these two boys are Derek's and mine, nobody else. Of course their grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends love them dearly but when it comes to the mom and dad decisions, it is now all mom decisions. Nobody else has that connection to them then me, all me, it was always suppose to be Derek and me doing this together, that was the plan and that was how it was suppose to be. But I am learning that now it's me for my boys. It was a very hard reality to look at in that way, just weird the different ways things will shake you some days.

Friday, December 14, 2012 Christmas for us...

I love the Christmas season, the sights and sound and smells that come with this time of year. But, for our family there is a touch of melancholy that hangs in the air.
It is Grief!!!
A few Christmas's ago we were decorating our home and buying presents for the boys and never imagined our life could be any different or better. As of July 2, 2011 that all changed, there is now a huge hole in our family, lives and Christmas season. The emptiness that matches the empty spot of his stocking on the manual. We still have a joyful family and love Christmas but there will always be one less of us to celebrate these earthly holidays and an emptiness I can't describe in words.
The sad thing is that we are not alone, I have met way too many women, men and children that will be remembering a loved one this Christmas season and missing them just as we miss Derek. And my heart aches for each of us especially during this time of the year. As we celebrate Christ's birth, I can not help but know that my God knows the grief I bear. So as we take time to look back and remember Derek we also will take time to look ahead at our life and the plan God has for it from here on out. As hard as that is for me to trust, that is what I have to hold onto, trust that God has a plan for us and will always catch us when we fall to our knees. We will smile, laugh and cry this holiday season but we continue to get stronger and continue to move forward. We know that Derek is celebrating in an amazing place this year for the second time, as hard as that is to wrap our head around we have to find some peace in that fact.
Please pray for my family this Christmas season and any other family that is out there bearing the grief that we have. I can never explain in words this difficult world we live in but we do it because we have no other choice. The boys miss their wonderful father every day, they know what they are missing so much that it hurts me so deep but they also remember what a wonderful father they had and they are happy they have those memories. So I will continue to grow, to find our life and what it is suppose to be as I wipe my baby boys tears and make them smile and laugh. I thank God every day for the dear friends that Derek and I have, the text, the cards and the special little treats that all come at the time they are needed most mean more then anyone can imagine.

Friday, November 30, 2012 In my Dreams...

You were in my dream last night, just you and me, it is always so bittersweet, doesn't happen very often at all but when it does it still takes my breath to wake up and realize it was just a dream and that your really still gone. I even rolled over to tell you hold me but you weren't there like you were in my dream. When I woke in my dream you were wiping my tears away. I want to tell you so much about how amazing our boys are doing and what amazing individuals they are becoming. I still struggle in my faith but I know that I'm not doing it alone, there are days I get tired and feel like giving up but then I get a little push from God and you to not stop, not a choice. We are doing good babe, not saying every moment is great and that we don't have our moments but we are living because we know that is what you would want. This world will never be the same without you but it is a better place because of you. But it is a new day!!! We love and miss you so much!!!

“Holidays are time spent with loved ones” this was imprinted on our psyche from a young age. Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They are part of the milestones we share with each other and they generally represent time spent with family. They bring meaning to certain days and we bring much meaning back to them. But since holidays are for being with those we love the most, it is a difficult time for the ones that have lost a loved one. For many of us, this is the hardest part of grieving, when we miss our loved ones even more than usual at the holidays. It was always such an excited time of year while we were growing up and we continued that tradition in our house with our boys. Ethan loves Christmas so much, his favorite time of the year, I think it has to do with the presents but I love to see his smile when he talks about it. This year will be our second Christmas without Derek here. Some people tell me the second year is harder but I really don't know, I don't know if any day, month or year is harder or easier to a degree. I think you learn ways to heal and ways to live to where you have the good and bad moments. I think time makes it easier but it never takes it away. Our days, weeks, months, years and especially holidays will never pass without a thought of what we miss and what we have lost. But we are learning to smile a true smile and laugh a true laugh and learn to heal as we do it. It is a choice like anything else in this life, we choose to live, this accident took too much from us and we won't let it take more. There is no going back, there is no changing it and there is no giving up. It is a roller coaster full of ups and downs, I had a bad couple weeks and I felt completely lost and empty but I have gotten to the other side of that, it will come back again could be a week, a month or whenever because grief doesn't understand time. The most important part is that you continue to move through it and heal. I now get stronger every time I get past one of those times. And I try not to worry about the next time it will hit me.

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