“Holidays are time spent with loved ones” this was imprinted on our psyche from a young age. Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They are part of the milestones we share with each other and they generally represent time spent with family. They bring meaning to certain days and we bring much meaning back to them. But since holidays are for being with those we love the most, it is a difficult time for the ones that have lost a loved one. For many of us, this is the hardest part of grieving, when we miss our loved ones even more than usual at the holidays. It was always such an excited time of year while we were growing up and we continued that tradition in our house with our boys. Ethan loves Christmas so much, his favorite time of the year, I think it has to do with the presents but I love to see his smile when he talks about it. This year will be our second Christmas without Derek here. Some people tell me the second year is harder but I really don't know, I don't know if any day, month or year is harder or easier to a degree. I think you learn ways to heal and ways to live to where you have the good and bad moments. I think time makes it easier but it never takes it away. Our days, weeks, months, years and especially holidays will never pass without a thought of what we miss and what we have lost. But we are learning to smile a true smile and laugh a true laugh and learn to heal as we do it. It is a choice like anything else in this life, we choose to live, this accident took too much from us and we won't let it take more. There is no going back, there is no changing it and there is no giving up. It is a roller coaster full of ups and downs, I had a bad couple weeks and I felt completely lost and empty but I have gotten to the other side of that, it will come back again could be a week, a month or whenever because grief doesn't understand time. The most important part is that you continue to move through it and heal. I now get stronger every time I get past one of those times. And I try not to worry about the next time it will hit me.