Moments and life passes by without Derek here, some days I feel myself sinking some and struggle with it all. Just as I feel like giving in to that sinking feeling I remember Derek’s smile and remember what he would expect of me. This life of being a widow is not easy but I will not lean on that or let it define me, I don’t expect anyone to understand it or treat me different, but please be careful to respect it and not try to even think you know what it is like because until you are here you will never know and I hope nobody ever does. I try to get to where life is okay and good but some days it seems far away especially when I get knocked backwards with things. Every time I get knocked back it brings the numb and lost feeling bad stronger and takes a little longer to get past it but I eventually do. But I keep getting up and continue to push forward to what end I don’t know and I will never know till I get there.

The holidays are coming up and that makes all three of us a little off with everything.  Holidays are normally a time for family fun and celebration but when you grieve the loss of someone the season is different and there is this pain that will never go away. Yes we will enjoy the holidays, smile and laugh but it is that pain that someone is missing, it doesn’t get better as years pass and I would hope nobody would expect it to be. Grieving as I have learned is a long process of healing that I believe I will continue to do through the rest of my life. Some people I don’t think understand that, like it is time to get over it or as the years go on that it just gets easier and better. As people go on with their lives they think about it less but in our world it is still very raw and fresh daily, yes it gets easier and we remember the good more and more.  No matter how your life goes you never just get over losing someone like we did. And anyone who knew Derek will understand that because they will feel the same way.

All I can say is pray for us and for anyone else that you know that has lost a loved one, unfortunately I know too many now that will spend their first, second or more years without their loved one there. So please remember they are vulnerable during these times even more, so hug them or be kind with your words don’t try to think you understand just be a friend. My heart goes out to all the widows that this will be your first holidays without your husband, keep your head up and stay strong, even when you don’t feel like you can.