Thursday, November 1, 2012 Here again...

A little bumpy week and day, so here I am again writing to get it out of my head. It amazes me that I can be going forward and doing okay, but then it gets a little bumpy and its hard to get control and step back. We had parent teacher conference tonight and the boys got such amazing reports, Derek would be so proud but yet he wasn't there like every time before and I can't even call and tell him about it, it is weird the little things like that hit me the hardest. Ethan's was good and smooth, then we get to Garret's and they are talking about all the amazing things he is doing so good at that he has struggled with, I fault the tears but it broke my heart that his daddy's wasn't there to hear it. How can that be, our boys should have that and I can't fix it for them. I think I told them a dozen times tonight how proud of them I was, they are so amazing with everything they deal with. So I told them again when I tucked them in tonight and then I cried it out. None of this will ever make sense and I will always never understand why my boys and all of us had to lose so much but I will cry it out and get up tomorrow even stronger and keep moving forward. Only choice we get! My boys are learning to truly live even know they have lost and it helps me live and know that we are okay.