How did I get here?
Where am I going?
What has my husband's death taught me?
These are just a few of the questions I have struggled with for over a year, they come and go, sometimes I feel like I got the answer and some I still struggle with. Figuring out who I am has been a constant struggle but I really feel that I am getting there.
I have dealt with depression, insomnia, anxiety. I have been hurt and cried myself to sleep many times. You think anything is easy after going through losing a spouse but nope it never gets easy, every thing in life is difficult, being a single mom, being overwhelmed daily on how to get it all done. Every relationship is effected and harder but stronger. I have gone through the anger stage many times. I have screamed at God, I have screamed at Derek.
Through it all I have learned so much.
I push myself daily to do things I sometimes don't know if I can achieve but I do them anyway.
I have learned how much my family and friends really do love me. Far more then I realized and far more then I will ever understand.
I have pushed toxic people out of my life, and at this point in my journey, my boys and my happiness and comfort are what matters most.
I have learned to ask for help, still struggle with this one but I am getting there.
I have learned that even know I felt like the world should stop once Derek wasn't in it that it doesn't. It keeps going on rather I want it to or not. And I am now glad for that.
I have learned to be proud of myself and my accomplishments every day, little or big.
Who Am I? I am me and I am okay on my own two feet. I was a good wife and I am a good mother to our boys. I loved my husband beyond words and he knew that, he was an amazing man who taught me so much and that is why I am where I am today. I will always put my boys first and make them have the best life I can. I will be happy again, live life and love again. That's all I need to know for now and I am proud of that.
How did I get here? Well that's a hard one according on how you look at it. All I know is I had help, alot of help. Don't get me wrong I am proud of myself but I had help. Help from family and friends, help from Derek and help from God. Someone said the other day that I have a lot of outside influence in my life. And I guess they were right, but it is good influence and it is what helps me when I still have bad days and that shouldn't be a bad thing. If that outside influence ever got to be bad then I would cut it out of my life but what I have now is all a positive influence in my life.
Where am I going??? This is a big one and hard for me!!! I am a Type A personality I have been told by a number of people and I like to control a few things in life and I have no patience. So me knowing what my life is going to look like tomorrow or next year is so difficult for me but I am trying to learn patience. Nothing in this life is guaranteed and life is full of chances you just have to be strong enough to take them. So I will continue to struggle with this one. Don't get me wrong I have my own thoughts on what my life will look like but I will keep those to myself.
What has my husband's death taught me??? ALOT!!! Good and Bad! It has taught me that life can change in a second and that you have to let the people around you know that you love them and don't sweat the small stuff. I will love stronger and deeper, I will appreciate everything in life even on the hard days. I have learned to give myself a little break sometimes that I can't do it all and that I sometimes need my time.
Do I love life everyday, I try to, I think I will always have my days and always have this sadness because of what I have been through and I would hope that anyone in my life would understand that and take it very serious and understand that it is a part of me and I don't think anyone would expect it to be any different. You never get over it you just learn to live again!!!
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