Wednesday, May 9, 2012 Refocus on ME...
Started a new book yesterday that I am hoping to get a lot out of, so we will see, figure it will give me something to do when I am not sleeping.
Just really trying to refocus these days, been pulling myself in so many different directions that I think I need to stop and refocus on ME for a bit before I sink too much. It's all part of this wonderful new life of mine, trying not to lose myself in all the other stuff in life. Yesterday was a good day, smiled a lot and felt good. Helped to visit with a dear friend last night and just talk about all our crazy stuff going on right now. It is so good to have good friends that you can share anything and they just listen and don't try to tell you what to do but just listen and care. Sometimes that's all we need.
It has been a little overwhelming with all I have to do at the house, even the little things can get to you when you have to get it all done on your own. Even know everyone tries to help out I like to try and manage a lot on my own but I know my limits and I know there is too much to do for just me right now. Lonny was telling Kim and me the other day that he has two wives to tell him what to do because his To Do List is as long at my house as it is at his, but I am getting pretty good at a lot these days. Derek is so laughing and shaking his heade at all that I have Lonny doing and all that I try to manage on my own. Lonny does a good job getting it all worked in and helping me out, it's nice to have him stop by the house when I know he has worked all day but just wants to help or see the boys. The boys do wonderful at helping out too but of course they can only do so much.
Someone asked me the other day why I do this blog, is it for me, family or everyone else. I told him I started it for everyone else just to keep them updated but now it is more for both, everyone and me. I have had a number of people tell me to keep writing so I try. I hope that I can use this to heal and to look back on. I figure between this and my journal that is more personal that it can't hurt.
Here's to the rest of the week, lunch with friend's the next couple days, a much needed dinner Thursday and a wonderful weekend of soccer with two handsome boys that mean the world to me.

Sunday, May 6, 2012 Life without Daddy...

Really struggling with making myself post tonight, not in the mood to share and got so much in my head tonight. It would be a good night to sit on the back porch with a glass of wine and a listening ear, but would I even share at that point especially some of the things I keep to myself.
I ache for my boys so much, I wish I could make this all better for them and I can't. I can only keep loving them and putting wonderful people in their life to share those special times that dad should be there for. Just this weekend a wonderful friend asked to take them to a movie and I decided to tag along and at one point I looked down and they were both laughing so hard, it felt so good to see that laugh, that good hard laugh. Then as we walk out Garret looks up and says "Dad would have liked that movie" and he is so right. They had a good day and they laughed and smiled thanks to the friends that are in our life but they always have daddy close to their heart and missing him. I know all I can do is to continue to try and give them those days. They really lost the most in this entire thing, they had an amazing father who made them his world and they never should have had to say goodbye. I can't imagine the hurt they feel but they are amazing boys and I will do my best to make their life the best I can. They do pretty good but even on the weekends like this in which they had a good one, Garret still started crying at bedtime that he missed daddy, it rips my heart out every time. Derek if you are really up there please take care of our boys and give them the peace they need that only you can give them and I will continue to put good people in their life to help them and love them.

Saturday, May 5, 2012 Trust...

Trust is a huge word these days. Trust in GOD, trust in family, trust in friends, trust in myself, trust that everything will be okay one day and that someone is in control of my life. Trust is a hard one for me the past 10 months, not that I ever gave it up easy anyway but now it is a struggle like everything.
I keep thinking I just need to trust in GOD and pray he knows what my life is doing but that is hard when Derek and I trusted him to live our lives and praise him. How could losing my husband be part of me ever having a good life. I have stopped asking the Why and What if but I will never understand why GOD thought this life was better without Derek, he was an amazing man that anyone who knew him would tell you. I know GOD didn't cause the accident but he could have protected Derek. So yes it is hard to trust in GOD to lead me in my life and I hate to even admit that.
I know that I have to try and trust in GOD and people in my life again but it will always be a struggle.
I'm tired and everyday is like climbing a hill that never ends. It was a good weekend and right now I have to take it at that, take the good with the bad. I enjoyed some wonderful friends the past two days and it helps me know that we will be okay just will take some time and trust. And it helps to know people care.

Friday, May 3, 2012 Oaks Day...
Well I'm headed to the track today for the Oaks, Derek and I decided last year we were going this year no matter what. We did the Derby two years ago but had not been to the Oaks together. So this year I am going but as it gets closer not looking forward to it. Thank goodness I will have good friends with me to get my mind off of everything and have a good time. Won't be the same without him as is everything these days. I am praying for a good weekend with friends, family & my boys. I hope to be able to settle some things I have been tossing around in my head this weekend, including my house projects, so I can get back on track. I like 'Believe You Can' for the Oaks Horse (picture above) for many reasons especially the name. Well here's to a good day with friends, ready or not.

Thursday, May 3, 2012 Dreams & Friends...
Long sleepless night, surprise, think I am starting to get use to not sleeping much after 10 months. In the 2 hours I did sleep last night I had a dream, I don't really remember much but a very detailed part, I remember that both boys were very upset about something and in their room (they were younger) and I was standing in the hallway and walked towards the phone and said do you want to talk to dad? And right before I actually touched the phone, I remembered we couldn't talk to dad anymore that he was gone, then I woke up. Wow it hurt just as bad in my dream as it does in real life. But Today is a new day and as a friend tells me, I will put on my boots, tie them up tight and keep going. The sun will come up on a new day.
Really having a hard time the past couple weeks with what to do for a couple friends. I have three friends that are really going through a rough time and completely shutting down on me. I have really pushed and tried to be there for them but not really working. I guess for me just sitting back and not trying to help hurts more then the fact that they aren't letting me in. I know first hand how life can really beat you up and I did a good job of putting up walls and pushing people away but I had amazing friends that didn't go for that and pushed until I let go. Some days it took a while but I am here today because of those friends. I want to be there for my friends, that is what friendship is about, no matter what I have to deal with I still can listen and care about their problems. I know they don't feel like I need more on my plate but it's not more, it helps me to be there for my friends like they were for me. I know how it is to shut down and not let people in but I also know that it is a lot easier with friends.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012 10 Months.......
This is the last picture I have of Derek the night before, for Ethan's birthday, 10 months and 1 day ago...Still can't believe how long it has been and how bad it still hurts to wake up in the morning. It's that one second before I completely wake up that you still think it was all a bad dream but it doesn't last long before you know that is just not true. The flash backs went away for a little while but have came back lately, I guess they remind me that life changed without our control and you should let people know you love them today because you never know what tomorrow brings. Thank God Derek and I understood that and never let a day go by to say "I Love You" or "I'm Sorry", even that day in Bardstown as he put my helmet on to make sure I was safe, he kissed me and said "I Love You". For me that is a hard one these days due to the walls I put up but I also know that the people that really love me and want to be in my life will always be there to knock the walls down no matter what, that is what love, family and friendship are all about. So please tell the people in your life that you care today!!!
All I can say is that we are learning to live again even during the rough times. It has been a rough journey and it will continue to be but we will continue to move forward. I have learned so much the past 10 months about people and even about myself these days. It is amazing the family and friends that have stuck by me no matter what, old and new. It's been a rough couple weeks but I am getting refocused and trying to learn to breathe. It is tricky because everytime I think I can breathe something hits me by surprise but I will handle it and be okay, one day at a time! Love you all very much!

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone young or old a like and today

may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight...

so, if your waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?

for if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day.

So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, tell them how much you love them,

and that you'll always hold them dear...

Take time to say "I'm sorry", "Please forgive me", "Thank you", "It's ok" or "I Love You"

and if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

Friday, April 28, 2012 Take A Breath....

This will be short and sweet tonight and I think I will probably take a break for a bit on my blog maybe. Need to get some things straight and work on some things that are very important too me.
Good night with old friends at E&H, so good to see all my old friends and laugh with them. Miss all those guys everyday and miss how good it feels to laugh
Spilled ALL my thoughts & stuff I've been fighting these days to my big brother Mark tonight and it has helped me to breathe just letting it all out and know that I have wonderful friends that understand my craziness. Well maybe not understand but agree that my Type A personality needs to chill these days and do course laugh at me. Thanks Mark!!!
Now if I can only get these people to shut up in the room next door I may get some sleep tonight!!!