Tuesday, May 22, 2012 Nothing...

Tuesday, May, 22, 2012 More First...

Yesterday and today I had some more first moments. Yesterday I handled it and had a good night last night, today will be a hard one but I will become stronger for it, no matter how hard it tries to tear me down. Today I will face some fears on my own and it will be okay!!!

Sunday, May 20, 2012 Good Day...
Was a good day with my boys, wasn't looking forward to a full day at home after this week so Kim called and ask us to spend the day with them at the farm. So glad she did, ended up to be a good day, we got some new fishing gear, fished, went shooting and sat on the back deck to enjoy the view, company and some good conversation. It was good to see my boys enjoy theirselves, fish with them and be able to talk to my family about everything that made it a rough week and get their feedback, they don't tell me what to do but they trust in me and that helps even know they can't fix any of it. It also helped that I caught more fish then anyone else. This was Derek's type of fishing, he had no patience and loved when they were biting all day.
Here is to a positive week and long weekend!!!

Sunday, May 20, 2012 Bittersweet...

Well here I am, laying in my bed with my mind racing with mixed feelings. Ethan officially slept in his bed for the first time by himself since the accident. It's a little bittersweet for me, it has always been nice to not sleep here alone but I know it is good for him. So now I have to get use to waking up alone in the morning, even if it was to a 8 year old, my mom or my many friends that have just been here for support. My favorite thing is waking up and rolling over to snuggle up or waking up with an arm around you, that is a wonderful feeling a miss right now.
Yesterday was a good day, boys had a good night at NaNa's while I had some time out. Picked them up and headed to their last soccer game in the heat, then back to the house with friends to swim the day away and grill out. We sat and talked about a lot of things and it was good. It was nice but at the end of the day still missing things.
Realized today after some thinking and talking with Angela that sometimes people aren't who you thought they were, that can sometimes in my world be a good or bad thing. For me during all this some people have surprised me, hurt me, and loved me but every time it is different when you realize things about people. I think some people don't realize the impact they have on people's life, I see it in my life and other peoples life daily. The good people will make major difference in your life, the bad people will too but in a different way, as a lesson. Some are not bad people but they still always leave scars and never even realize it because they never really think about their actions or impact that they make in people's life for whatever reason.
In the end I appreciate the people in my life and the friendships I have that help me get up and face the world. Life doesn't always give us what we want but what we decide to do with it is what matters in the end. Even the bad stuff it hands us. So think before you speak and act towards people. Think before you even walk into someone's life and really make a good difference, because it could mean a lot. Love your family and friends.

Saturday, May 19, 2012 Finding Myself....
Well it has been a week from hell but in the end I have learned a lot, some good and some bad about myself but in the end I have discovered a lot of things. Some people will not understand any of this or read into it wrong but this blog is for me and me alone and the journey that I am on to where ever I am headed. I have already made mistakes and really regret some things and people I may loose because of it but I know now that I can't keep being scared and letting what has happened in my life define who I am and how I feel.
For me it was realizing that I can't let that day completely control my every action and thought. I can't do that anymore, it was a horrible day that not everyone knows to many details about but I can never explain to anyone how I replay every moment of the accident in my head and it seemed to last forever. I remember where my hands where on Derek's waist, I remember every muscle in his body, I remember five minutes before him reaching down and rubbing my leg to say I Love You. I remember every muscle in his body trying to fight to keep us alive on that day. I remember flying over him and hitting the ground every single time, I remember finally laying and immediately standing up and taking exactly two and a half steps towards him to fall and see him dead in front of me. I still have that picture of him laying face down on the concrete in my head for life and it is the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night. I have struggled with regret for not walking over to him more, I regret saying yes to that bike ride that he begged me to go on, I regret so much that day but in the end there is nothing anyone can do to change it or bring him back. I can never tell you in words the horrible feeling, guilt and pain that I have every day for watching my husband die that day. It is a pain that I will carry for the rest of my life. But I know now that I can't let that define who I am and how I love the people around me. I could not control what happen that day but every moment since then I have tried to control every little thing in my life to the point that I have crushed people, pushed people and totally not liked who I was or how I was reacting. I know now that I am more then that and I can have a life and live, I want to live for the first time in a long time. I still have bad days and I still have flash backs but I want to live, be happy and love people. I just pray that the people that I have hurt and pushed understand that this isn't me, that I have work to do and that I am scared to death. I can only take it a day at a time and see where I end up. I will live everyday for my boys and for myself. I can't control every detail of my life, sometimes we have to sit back and let things just happen and sometimes it will be good but if not then we tried and we didn't mess it up by trying to control everything. All this has a lot to do with a number of things in my life right now, from my house, my boys, my attitude, my emotions, my friends, my family and all the people I truly love in my life.
With that I am probably going to take a break from my blog and facebook for a while and focus on more important things in my life including myself. I have work to do and I am starting to realize a lot of things. It will be more ups and downs I am sure but I will figure some things out and work on me.
I don't want the pain to control me anymore, I want to sit and breathe, I have been saying and trying for a while to breathe, I have told a few peoeple that I want to just breathe. But sometimes it is what actaully takes our breath away that are the important things and I have had a few like that. Thanks for my friends and family I have had some of that, I have had some laughs and cries but I can't wrap my happiness around all that, I want to be happy for me and in myself.

Saturday, May 19, 2012 This New life of Mine...

Sometimes I wonder, when does life finally let you settle into a good routine? Will I ever feel like I know where I am going and if where I am is a good place to be? I know life is filled with uncertainties but I pretty much had a good clue on what life was going to be or at least what I thought a year ago. Now I find myself questioning everything. It is driving me insane.

Friday, May 18, 2012 Honor Roll...
Would love to say I had a good nights sleep but think I've given up on that by now. Starting to do pretty good without it these days, guess the body gets use to it after this long. I did get a much needed workout and good dinner with good company last night so that made for an okay night.
Well my two wonderful boys had their last day of school yesterday for this year and were happy as can be. They both made the honor roll all year long, they amaze me everyday. So I took them for ice cream last night after we came home for awhile. We went to DQ for blizzers per their request and sat outside to talk. So while sitting at DQ in Shepherdsville we talk about last day of school and different stuff. Then Ethan says we use to all do this with dad here. And he is correct, Derek liked his ice cream just like they did, I always went but like last night didn't eat it. So we started talking about memories and stuff we did. They remembered that three weeks before the accident we went and played Putt Putt on the new course at Kart Kountry. It was nice to hear them talk but at the same time I was fighting back the tears every minute. I can't explain the pain I feel when I have to sit and hear my boys tell me we USE to or we DID this with dad. My sweet boys shouldn't have to be telling memories about their father, they should be living them. For me I will manage and deal but as I have said so many times before, my biggest pain is watching my boys grow up without their father to share things with and without Derek being able to share them with them. He had so many things he wanted to do with them and show them. I remember Derek saying so many times, I can't wait till we do this or they are old enough to do this. And that is all gone in a second. How do I fix that or make it better???? I can continue to do the things I do but it will never make it okay that they lost a huge part in this, really they lost more then any of us in this and it just isn't fair. That part will never get easier.
I know they are doing okay, or as good as they can. They enjoy things and I love to see them smile but for me it is a pain that I hate that they have to bare. They then jumped to another subject and were laughing and smiling again, that the amazing thing with kids. They are getting that spark back in their eyes when they talk about things. They are such country boys, they talked for 30 minutes about going to Lonny's farm and Eric's farm to see the animals and asking me when can they go back. They would go everyday if I would let them. They love the animals, fishing, running around and doing that boy stuff and being around the male role models in their life. I guess that's that best thing I can do. On Mother's Day they were up at the pond and fished for hours in the rain and mud, they didn't even get much that day but they will stand there and cast over and over. It helped that Uncle Lonny built them a dock, and yes he built it for them and put it in the spot for them. So rotten.
The picture below is at Barren Lake, one of our many times camping there, they look so young and there is Derek fishing in the back ground, and he didn't fish much, no patiences for it. They grow up so fast and time goes by too fast.