Thursday, May 31, 2012 How....

How can you just be gone??? I get through my days know I have to live and not really over thinking everything or at least try not too, don't always succeed at that. I've been going to your office for a couple weeks now but today it really was a struggle. Every time I am there I see things or have memories of your time there but I push them off because I can't fall apart every time I see it. I didn't fall apart today, I didn't even cry but I find it really hard today to push off those thougths and feelings. I've had something else on my mind all morning to keep me distracted that I am way over thinking but then I go to get a water from the kitchen that you built here and when I open the cabinet, there is all our old dishes I gave you for here and there is your canned soup that you would keep here and even a bottle in the fridge of yours, I smiled a little but it stung also, then I start messing in the warehouse and there is your wonderful handwriting on a box and your signature on a piece of paper. How can all these things still be here and you just be gone in a heartbeat. Seems like yesterday you were walking in the door, or walking up behind me in the kitchen and putting your arms around me as you kissed me on the neck. And the way you use to put the boys to bed by telling them a story, tickling their neck or shaking their entire bed. Or our nights we would all sit and read a book or the bible and lay around in the boys floor and talk. Or that little look you would get on your face that looks like your boys when your up to no good. So many memories that I hold dear and will always no matter what. I miss your eyes, your legs, your smiling and mostly your laugh.
I want to see you, to be able to have one more conversation so you can help me understand what I'm suppose to be doing and not be so scared of things. You knew me more then anyone, every good, bad and ugly. Every pain, every scar, every thought and every heart ache of mine till now. The heart aches now are beyond belief even when they don't have to do with you, it all hurts to the soul, and nobody can ever understand that. You didn't leave me much heart because you took so much of it with you, but what I have left I am yet again picking up the pieces, and it stinks.
Someone told me that I will always want my life back and everyone should expect that, because I didn't get a choice. I was also told by this same person that you get one soul mate and that I will never have what I had with you. And I get that and I don't want that with anyone else but to never feel that way again is breath taking. I was starting to feel less numb for a while but I have fell back into that numb feeling, guess it will come and go in this life, but I don't like numb, it's just easier then hurting.
I will always love you, you were my best friend, wonderful father to our children and husband. I can't imagine to far ahead these days but I know that you are watching over us and that we will be okay. I think that is why I slid backyards, I looked to far ahead, thought I was in a good place and thought I would be okay, and then realized that nothing in my life will ever be easy again and that I still need to take it a day at a time. We will hurt, we will cry, but we will laugh and smile also because we had you and you were more then life to us. Thank you for being you and giving us all of you everyday!!!

Thursday, May 31, 2012 ?????

Not in the mood to share much, up a lot last night with my head rushing with so many thoughts of WHY about so much in my life right now, and I will never get some of those answers. I always believed that things happen for a reason, that GOD has control even know we have a lot to do with it in our choices, that people are put in your life for a reason, that everything will be alright. Some days that's just hard to believe in my world, how much faith does GOD have in me that he thinks I can handle more. I had a good day and enjoyed my boys last night a lot with family over but just couldn't sleep and feeling just here. I need so bad to talk to Derek right now, he would so know what to do or tell me how to do this or get my head screwed on right.
I miss coming home and having someone to talk to and share with.
I will get up and continue to push forward, just a little slide backwards.
Saturday will be 11 months, my gosh that year mark is coming too fast.
Think I need to go to cemetery just don't know.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 High School...

We thought high school was the entire world back then, wow how easy it was then. High school will never prepare you for what life really is and some people still act like they are in high school, which is funny and sad. We thought we knew so much back then, but the fact is we knew nothing at all.
It's been a day for me, I've been doing really good but sometimes things can still bring me to my knees. I had decided I was going to the cemetery today, then workout before dinner. But I tried driving to the cemetery and I couldn't do it, so many things started flashing in my head. The day just got the best if me, my much needed dinner plans changed last minute, I then find out a friends husband was in a bad accident and Daniel (our farm Lab) is at vet and not good, and that will crush my boys. Wow how much more, anyone want to punch me in the gut more. After letting some frustration out at gym, I went and ran the BC high school track where I went to high school. Did some thinking and texting with a good friend who helped me see a few things better, but it still always hurts. Lesson learned as we say!!! Things and people will come and go in life, some we will be able to hold on to and some will slip away without us noticing or because we aren't given a choice. For me it's the problem of understanding WHY, the big question that I have to so many things in my life. I see so many people these days that just choose to not be happy and I will never understand that, life is hard but short. We get one chance at it and we should make the best of it.
I haven't gotten to make a lot of big choices in my life, I didn't get to decide to be a widow (hate that word) or a single mom with two boys but that is what I am and I will live it to the fullest for Derek, my boys and myself. It's like I told a friend today, we will have a lot to deal with on this journey we are on, we can choose to fall or support each other and stand strong. I choose to stand, or fall to my knees and try to pray when it gets hard. It's days like today that make that hard, makes me want to crawl into my ball and disappear but I can't do it, I will not let life tear me down.
Tomorrow it's off to Elizabethtown again, just what I need after today. I had and know what true love, for better or worse & FOREVER really means, and I miss that like hell. I didn't get to choose for that to be ripped out of my life, but now I have to figure out what my new forever will look like day by day, but somedays it is hard to see through all the stuff smacking me in the face. Every little thing stings so bad because my pain is still so raw.

Monday, May 28, 2012 Fun by the Pool...

Good day of laying by the pool, relaxing, watching the kids play and enjoying family.

Day of relaxing after a long weekend!!!

Monday, May 28, 2012 True Friendship...

I have many friends and family that have been there before, during and after the accident in my life and they are all very special to me. But I want to take a moment to appreicate one friendship that has always been so dear to my heart like so many. She has been here for my good, bad and ugly since high school, after and even when Derek and I first got together. I don't share many of the pictures from the hospital but I will this one. Her and her family got in the car as soon as they heard and drove straight through to the hospital and were there when I finally remember waking up a week later. I was so sick in this picture and only out of ICU very shortly, I was totally lost without Derek, I remember that day and so many, very well and it sucked.
I spent this past weekend in West Virginia and had a good weekend with family and friends. These are the friends that are family no matter what, as Derek always said "make your family your friends and your friends your family". Peggy has always been a wonderful friend and we have been there for each other through so much, we never imagined this would be one of them. I can't even explain in words but she is a friend that I only have to have close to me and not even talk and it calms me and makes me feel okay down to my soul, that is a lot to me right now. I remember a night at the house after I got home finally after the accident and I had about 20 people running around my house and I was struggling with holding back the tears and just yelling at the top of my lungs but as I looked down at her sitting on the couch holding my feet, she calmed me just by looking at me with a look that said it's okay, I sat and let the tears run down my face in silentence and she just understood without words. It felt good to sit and talk for hours this weekend, and see on her face that she was so happy to see in my eyes that I was going to be okay and that I wanted to live again. It was hard to leave today, took a lot to let go of that hug and wipe the tears but no matter how far apart we are she is always close to me. Peggy thank you for everything! Derek loved you so much from the first time he met you and he thought the world of you and your family. He loved coming to visit every time!

True friendship isn't seen with the eyes, it is felt with the heart.
When there is trust, understanding, loyalty, and sharing.
True friendship is a rare feeling, but when it is found
It has profound impact on our well-being, strength, and character.
True friendship does not need elaborate gifts
Or spectacular events in order to be valuable or valued.
To ensure long-lasting quality and satisfaction,
True friendship only needs a few key ingredients:
Undying loyalty, unmatched understanding, unsurpassed trust,
Deep and soulful secrets, and endless sharing.
These ingredients, mixed with personality and a sense of humor,
Can make a friendship last a lifetime!
This is just a thank you, my friend, for all the wonderful and colorful
Special ingredients You've brought to my life!

 

Sunday, May 27, 2012 Good Times, Bittersweet...

Having a good weekend away with some wonderful friends. Good day of seeing Haeley for prom, good talks with Peggy, a few tears, seeing old friends and playing cards till early morning. We have a lot of memories up here and Derek always enjoyed visiting everyone. The boys had a long but fun day of being boys, while running around playing ball and sweating. In no hurry to rush back home. Late nights of fun and sleeping in!!!!

Friday, May 25, 2012 Finding ME...

Friday, May 25, 2012 Finding Myself...
I have figured out a lot the past couple weeks, I am starting to find myself, understanding and accept my myself more everyday. I remember my mom questioning me when I told her I needed to find me, because she didn't want me to think I had lost myself. But I had, I wasn't just me for a long time, when you are with the same person for 15 years you become an us which is an amazing thing that I enjoyed every day, even the bad days. But then when that changes in a day, you don't know what or who you are and I am still working on it. But for the first time, I think I am getting there. There are things and people in my life that have helped and are helping me do this and they probably don't even know they are doing it. I have struggled with people telling me I am strong because I was so broken inside, I hated to here that and didn't feel strong. I am sure I am going to have days I don't feel strong and I hope those are the days my friends support me more but for now, for the first time in over 10 months, I feel strong and I feel okay with myself. If you have been following my blog you will see that I have been struggling with some things for a bit and probably don't understand it in detail but for me it was learning things about myself and the people that I felt I needed so bad in my life for me to be okay, the little things and people sometimes would hold me together, and I still need these people in my life. I had to figure out that my happiness and my ability to be happy and okay never should be wrapped around something or someone. That was a hard fact to understand when my happiness and what made me complete for so many years was my family, I mean I loved myself but I lived for my family. That is a wonderful thing but when it gets ripped out from under you it can totally knock your legs out from under you. Today I feel okay standing on my own two feet, it won't be like this every day I know that, I still have a ways to go but every good day I will take and it will help me make it through the bad days. I have some amazing people in my life, too many to mention and the ones that unfortuniately I have met because we share a common lose with a husband or wife, those are the bittersweet relationships. I can text or call these people anytime and they totally get it where some people I hope will never understand what this does to our hearts, heads and soul.
I struggle with wanting to know everything now and wanting to rush life because I know how easy you can lose it but really no matter how hard it is, we all have to slow down and look at ourselves and the people around us and appreicate every minute. Derek got that so much and really started understanding it the year before the accident. As much as I question God and all I know, God gave Derek and I some things that past year that made us better parents, husband and wife and best friends. It is hard to not have my best friend by my side anymore but I finally am cherishing the memories and what I have, the memories are starting to be less painful and that is a lot for me.
I am always myself, never any more or any less, I will never lose myself no matter how far I go. I am strong in the eye of the strom and shall triumph towards success. And when it feels too much, there is always much more I can lose - if I let it go. I know I am stronger than any evil, so no matter what happens, I will alway be myself.