Friday, June 29, 2012 Today I feel...

Thursday, June 28, 2012 Happiness...

Got very frustrated yesterday with people and vented a little on Facebook. I don't understand why Things happen to good people in this world that are out of our control. I have friends that have lost people to sickness, accidents and other things. I have met more widows and widowers then I'd like to but in the end we keep living. People will always give us that look when we say we lost our spouse but we will tell them we are okay. Because we all have made the choice to live again, rather we want to or not we do it. And we don't ask for people to feel sorry for us, we just want to be normal, whatever that is. But then you have people in this world that have never had anything that major happen in their life and they complain about it and are not happy. I'm not saying that people don't have real problems, but I'm saying don't let your problem be the excuse to not be happy. I will never understand it. I have seen people have every chance to be happy and they chose to do everything to not grab it and then wonder why they are unhappy. They complain about jobs, or they have had a broken heart and scared to take chances again but you can't let your job or your past be your future, you have to change it yourself. I want to see my friends and people happy. It's just sad! Life is so short that we should try to grab every moment of happiness, grab and hug everyone in your life and smile everyday. Even for us who have lost so much, we have to still love and hold on to the ones we do have, they are a good reason to live and to still be happy. That doesn't mean we don't miss who is gone but that means we love the ones we still have.
It is still a battle for me some days to get this for myself but most days I do it. I want to be a happy mother and person, I choose a while back to not be a sad, anger or unhappy mother for our boys. Everyone has choices to make in this life. I have wonderful friends and family that help me do this. I have friends that are having a hard time right now, and are having problems but in the end they don't let their problems control their life or their happiness.
Yesterday I just had enough of people and their complaining or wondering why they are not happy. Wake Up people, happiness could be in your face and some people won't even see it. Life is short so try to enjoy each day!
I had a good dinner, drinks and company last night with friends and our boys. But in the end I had to lay down and hold Garret's hand for him to fall asleep because he missed his daddy so much. He woke up two times searching for my hand in the middle of the night. It breaks my heart that I can't fix it for our boys, that they haven't had their daddy hug them for almost a year. But in the end our boys even get that life keeps going and that you have to be happy. If Our two boys can get that in all their pain why in the heck can't grown adults grow up, stop complaining and be happy. Whatever that means in each persons life!
I still have days that it is hard to get all this myself but I manage. Today will be a bumpy day just because of Garret's night but I also know when he gets up this morning and smiles, hugs and kisses me that I will be good and so will he.
Love you all!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012 Life Changes...
Not much at talking or blogging these days but I figured I would try. Not sleeping well tonight and really don't know why. I have been sleeping a lot better for about a month now but every once in a while I have a restless night. Tonight I think it is the anxiety of the upcoming two weeks. A lot coming in these weeks that is for sure. I told a friend last night that I would like to sleep through the next two weeks but I know that is not how to live and I know that I don't want that. I want to live and feel it all no matter how painful it is because in the end it will make me who I am and help me get to where I am going. Saturday is Ethan's birthday party and Sunday is his actual 9th birthday and he is so excited, he has been able to separate his birthday and the accident, I am so happy about that but of course he is like me, the anxiety leading up to it is what gets him most. But I will make sure that Saturday and Sunday are about him, then on Monday I don't know what that will bring. I have struggled with what a year means, I prayed in the beginning to just fast forward the first year thinking it would help but I know that everything I have went through the past year is all part of the journey and will get us all to a better place. Some days it still don't seem real. Don't get me wrong there are days when I tell myself I am done and don't want to do this anymore. Life will never be the same and I will always wish I had my life back but I will also find out what my new life is and where I need to be. Derek will always be a part of me and my life, I will always have a missing piece of me without him. He was my soul mate and no matter what, you only get one of those and when you lose them it rips your soul and life apart like I can't explain. I was talking to my friend that lost his wife four months after Derek and we both said we didn't think we would be where we are now, we both actually thought we would be beside our spouses, scary I know but I could never make someone that hasn't been there understand the thoughts that go through our heads. A year ago I was a happy wife, mother and person and didn't think life could change and the world couldn't touch it. I went through the physically pain I never thought was possible, I went through some anger that you would never want to see, I went through emotional pain that was unthinkable and the mental part just struggled the entire time. What was real and what was not. I couldn't watch TV expect HGTV for months and I still don't watch much TV unless it is with the kiddos. I couldn't listen to music at all, but started listen to it slowly again since February, still some songs I don't like but I do enjoy listening to it again. I didn't truly smile or feel much for so long because I shut down my emotions thinking that would be easier but in the end it wasn't. Then when I started to let myself feel again it was a stab in the gut that I didn't think I could handle but I did. I was scared to breathe or not breathe, I was scared to cry, talk or think. I was so scared of everything for so long but then I learned that I have to face the world to live. I have done so many first the past year and there are so many yet to come. I have traveled the entire path that we took that day on the motorcycle in different sections. I pasted the corner where I last heard Derek's voice, the place where he told me he loved me for the last time, held his hand and walked with him in Bardstown. That little street is burned in my head forever, but the day I stopped there I took a breath and I felt it. It was a weird feeling to have that and it helped to have a friend there that just made me feel like it was all going to be okay.
A year ago today Derek and I were going through life and enjoying every minute. A year ago from Monday that life completely shattered into peices and I have tried to pick up the pieces day by day. Some pieces I will never be able to pick up or fix but now I wonder where will I be in a year and how will my life be different because a year ago I couldn't have imagined going through what I have. I still take things a day at a time, don't get me wrong my Type A wants to think further and plan more but I know that right now it is okay to just take it as it comes. I also try to give myself more credit these days.
Monday will bring many memories, some painful beyond belief and some good. I don't know if I will get up okay, want to stay in bed, or tell everyone to get the hell out of my face and want to be alone. Just please promise me that you will all pray for us on this day. Mostly for our boys, but also for me, Derek, Derek's family, my family, my friends and everyone that knew Derek. I don't know if I will blog before then or on that day, I might even drop a couple text and ask for a little support. Who knows what it will bring but whatever it does I will keep my head up and be okay.
Then the next Monday is my birthday, don't even want to think about what that will bring. We were suppose to be on a trip for this birthday but I will take it as another year and keep going.
You haven't heard me say much about God in a lot of my blogs, I still struggle with that part of my life but I do still pray that in time that part will become easier and stronger.
If anything please take the time between now and Monday to let the people that you care about know that you love them, tell them and show them because you never know what tomorrow will bring and you never know how it will change your life or the next year. So please be happy and strong!!!

Saturday, June 23, 2012 Kings Island...

Took the boys to Kings Island on Saturday with Eric, Rhonda, Peyton and Maddie. We had a great time, enjoyed everything. I did a lot of waiting since I couldn't ride anything but it was worth it to enjoy talking and laughing with everyone. Boys rode everything even Ethan, he is getting a little more brave and so funny sometimes. I got to ride two rides, one was a water ride that was smooth and the other was Windseeker that I kept my eyes close on the entire time but Garret begged me to go on it. It was a fun day and good to see the boys smile, laugh and enjoy the rides. I was laying at the water park watching all the people and I realized how much I miss that good feeling of walking around not thinking that anything can touch your little happy world. I mean we always worried about our boys and were probably a little over protective but we just didn't think something would happen especially what did. I miss that secure feeling.

Thursday, June 21, 2012 The Shed...

Well I laid down for a little nap before taking a run because I was just so tired today. Now I wish I hadn't fell asleep.

Had a dream and I remember the details so much. We were having a party at the farm and all having a good time and Derek wasn't there, don't know if I knew he was gone or what just enjoying everyone around me. Then Lorrain gets there and I was walking with her around the lake to talk and told her I would let everyone know she was there, to relax and rest. So I walked around the lake to where a garage and a shed were sitting and I heard Derek's voice, so I go around to the shed. It was made of wood the color of cedar with a regular door to the right and a roll up door to the left. I open the regular door and there is stuff stacked to the ceiling so I close it but I hear him so I roll up the roller door and there sits Derek's cherry desk (the one we have had since we got our first house) and a few other items. I am very confused when I hear him talking but still I don't see him. I go over very confused but don't know why. I lay my head in my hands on the desk and look at the things laying on the desk. There was a wood plaque to the left with a gold engraved piece with Elvis Presley's name on it. There was a old army hat with a number if gold pins on it in the middle. There were a bunch of old things on the desk from people that are gone sitting on Derek's desk. Then he shows up and I hug him and he seems distance but just holds me. I beg him to not leave me over and over again. He says it's all okay that he knows he has been busy lately but that we will spent tomorrow together he promises, that he knows we need a day together. He says "but you have to be there". But I kept telling him he can't leave me and he keeps saying it's okay. I felt like I knew he was gone in my head in the dream but he was talking me into the fact he wasn't and made me question if I really knew what I was talking about. After promising I would be there I jump into walking around the lake with two people I don't know at all carrying sheets and I pass a sign with Derek's name and the dates of his birth and death on it, I fall to my knees, then I wake up.
I use to get so upset because I didn't dream a lot about Derek, or dream of him but couldn't see him in the dream. Now it is just painful to wake up from a dream and go through losing him over again once I wake up and realize it was just a dream.
It was a very weird dream and I woke up crying, which I haven't done it a little while. I had a good cry. Now I am going to go for a run around the WVU stadium, Derek went to a game there a couple years ago. Then I will enjoy my last night out of town. Miss my boys but it has been good to have some time away, relax and enjoy.
Good run....
Well I'm back from a good run around the stadium and hospital, got some dinner and did a little reading. It was what I needed to get out, clear my head and feel some peace. A lot of others had the same idea, I got to think and enjoy the sun going down, talk to a few people walking their dogs. I watched as doctor, nurses and patient's came in and out of the hospital that is in the same parking lot of the stadium and it got me really thinking about the past year and all that has happened.
I saw two people in wheelchairs, I remember that feeling of not being able to walk and take care of myself. I remember some things I would prefer to not remember and some of my friend's probably would like to forget some details of UofL and the things they had to do to me against my will, espeicially poor Pam. I have came a long way physically, mentally and emotionally. I still got a ways to go but I am getting there and I am healing. I now worry less, cherish my friends and family more, love deeper and hurt deeper.
While walking tonight I thought of a friend that at one point helped me a lot. We went to high school together and I was able to relax, be myself and talk so comfortably about Derek and how I was feeling, and that is hard for me to do but it felt so good to start smiling at the memories. I was so caught up in what I was suppose to do, and how I didn't want to make mistakes or feel too much pain or anything, I didn't want to plug holes. He told me that I couldn't go by what a book tells me to do or what someone tells me to do or how to feel. That it was a journey that I had to take one day at a time and make my own decisions. That everyone is different and I needed to trust myself. Good advice, he should probably listen to his own advice in his own life too!!!
It's hard for people to not be able to fix my pain. I was thinking about that tonight and I know that not everyone can ever understand me or how I feel or where I am. They can't fix it for me and I can't fix it for them. But in the end the people that are at my side are the true friends I have. The ones that give up, judge me, or try to tell me I'm not grieving enough, far from healing, or don't try to understand me a little are the ones that will miss out on being a part of my life, or don't really know me at all. Nobody knows how I feel, how much I grieve or how much I am healed, need to heal or what I need. If people chose to try and tell me what I need and how to live, it will be their lose not mine. Don't get me wrong I don't have a lot of these people in my life, but there has been more then one that can't handle it or understand it. I don't ask anyone to understand it completely, just be patient and be a real friend. My brother in law always tells me to be careful, that people will treat me bad, try to use me or take advantage of the situation, he is always looking out for me and I am glad, because I guess I have a lot of faith in people and cherish my friendships when their are some people out there that will take advantage of others. Sad but true because I have seen it in my life and others around me.

Don't get me wrong with all this crazy stuff tonight, my head has just been running crazy tonight. I am good, the walk did me good to breathe in the fresh air and clear out my head on things that have been bouncing around for a while. Just a little bump in the road but all good now. A freind texted me the other day and said I seemed to be in a better place and he was so proud of me. That means a lot and I think I am in a better place, do I still cry sometimes, YES. Derek would smile at me now because Rhonda and him always made fun of me because I wasn't a crier. I always told my guys at work if I they ever saw me crying they better run because I am either really pissed or something is really wrong. Am I still healing, HELL YES, always, I don't think I'm far from healing (whatever that means) but I know that it is a process and nobody should expect me to ever be completely healed, you don't go through what I did and be healed, doesn't work like that. I still hurt and I still grieve but that is part of my life now and I can handle it and still live.

I have had a good little escape away, ready to see my boys and be home I think. One more day, then a long drive home and Kings Island Saturday. But it was nice to get away, clear my head, have some time and see some good friends.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012 Funeral Home...

Well it started a little rough this morning with a dream about Derek, and when I woke up for a second I was mad at him in my dream and mad when I woke then within a couple seconds I realized it was just a dream and reality set in as every day and I realized he is not there to tell my dreams to or to be mad at. Derek use to have dreams and wake up mad, I would always laugh at him when he would wake up and say you were mean to me in my dream, then he'd kiss me on the nose and smile, knowing it was just a dream.
So I got up, got my boys up and we began our day like everyday and my boys had me smiling by the time we left the house. They amaze me everyday and I could never explain in words what they mean to me.
Well I went to the funeral home today to visit a friend who lost his dad. I had so much anxiety before I went, I didn't really want to go because I was scared but I knew it was something I had to do for my friend, to be there for him like he has for me in my rough year. So thank goodness my best buddy decided to drive me and keep my nerves calm. Don't know what I'd do without all the wonderful friends in my life that support me in the little moments when I don't put enough faith in myself. It was a rough day being there, the smell when I walked in the door brought tears to my eyes and I could not breathe for a moment, I don't know how long I held my breath but then a friendly hand and support held me together and I was able to stay for 45 minutes and be there for a good friend. Now his dad is up with Derek, dancing and having some good talks. I walked out of there, took a deep breath, and felt stronger. It will be okay and it takes steps to get there, rather they scare the hell out of me or not, I will keep stepping forward. When I don't feel strong I will have my friends to support me like today. I am learning a lot about what friendship means these days, some people prove it to me daily and others continue to not understand what true friendship is.
In the end I am good! I am now off for a little get away for a few days. It will be good!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012 TWill Basketball Camp...

The boys are at TWill Basketball Camp this week and they were so excited to meet him for the first time. That is all they have talked about since they got signed up last week. On the way to first day of camp Ethan said he wished dad was here to meet him because dad liked TWill a lot and that TWill probably had a lot of girls following him around because he is famous. And Garret wants to print this picture out so he can put it on Derek's headstone because dad liked TWill. They amaze me everyday on how they think and what they say. Had a restless night with some bad dreams last night but they put a smile on my face.
Got a big day ahead, trying to keep my head up!!!