Not much at talking or blogging these days but I figured I would try. Not sleeping well tonight and really don't know why. I have been sleeping a lot better for about a month now but every once in a while I have a restless night. Tonight I think it is the anxiety of the upcoming two weeks. A lot coming in these weeks that is for sure. I told a friend last night that I would like to sleep through the next two weeks but I know that is not how to live and I know that I don't want that. I want to live and feel it all no matter how painful it is because in the end it will make me who I am and help me get to where I am going. Saturday is Ethan's birthday party and Sunday is his actual 9th birthday and he is so excited, he has been able to separate his birthday and the accident, I am so happy about that but of course he is like me, the anxiety leading up to it is what gets him most. But I will make sure that Saturday and Sunday are about him, then on Monday I don't know what that will bring. I have struggled with what a year means, I prayed in the beginning to just fast forward the first year thinking it would help but I know that everything I have went through the past year is all part of the journey and will get us all to a better place. Some days it still don't seem real. Don't get me wrong there are days when I tell myself I am done and don't want to do this anymore. Life will never be the same and I will always wish I had my life back but I will also find out what my new life is and where I need to be. Derek will always be a part of me and my life, I will always have a missing piece of me without him. He was my soul mate and no matter what, you only get one of those and when you lose them it rips your soul and life apart like I can't explain. I was talking to my friend that lost his wife four months after Derek and we both said we didn't think we would be where we are now, we both actually thought we would be beside our spouses, scary I know but I could never make someone that hasn't been there understand the thoughts that go through our heads. A year ago I was a happy wife, mother and person and didn't think life could change and the world couldn't touch it. I went through the physically pain I never thought was possible, I went through some anger that you would never want to see, I went through emotional pain that was unthinkable and the mental part just struggled the entire time. What was real and what was not. I couldn't watch TV expect HGTV for months and I still don't watch much TV unless it is with the kiddos. I couldn't listen to music at all, but started listen to it slowly again since February, still some songs I don't like but I do enjoy listening to it again. I didn't truly smile or feel much for so long because I shut down my emotions thinking that would be easier but in the end it wasn't. Then when I started to let myself feel again it was a stab in the gut that I didn't think I could handle but I did. I was scared to breathe or not breathe, I was scared to cry, talk or think. I was so scared of everything for so long but then I learned that I have to face the world to live. I have done so many first the past year and there are so many yet to come. I have traveled the entire path that we took that day on the motorcycle in different sections. I pasted the corner where I last heard Derek's voice, the place where he told me he loved me for the last time, held his hand and walked with him in Bardstown. That little street is burned in my head forever, but the day I stopped there I took a breath and I felt it. It was a weird feeling to have that and it helped to have a friend there that just made me feel like it was all going to be okay.
A year ago today Derek and I were going through life and enjoying every minute. A year ago from Monday that life completely shattered into peices and I have tried to pick up the pieces day by day. Some pieces I will never be able to pick up or fix but now I wonder where will I be in a year and how will my life be different because a year ago I couldn't have imagined going through what I have. I still take things a day at a time, don't get me wrong my Type A wants to think further and plan more but I know that right now it is okay to just take it as it comes. I also try to give myself more credit these days.
Monday will bring many memories, some painful beyond belief and some good. I don't know if I will get up okay, want to stay in bed, or tell everyone to get the hell out of my face and want to be alone. Just please promise me that you will all pray for us on this day. Mostly for our boys, but also for me, Derek, Derek's family, my family, my friends and everyone that knew Derek. I don't know if I will blog before then or on that day, I might even drop a couple text and ask for a little support. Who knows what it will bring but whatever it does I will keep my head up and be okay.
Then the next Monday is my birthday, don't even want to think about what that will bring. We were suppose to be on a trip for this birthday but I will take it as another year and keep going.
You haven't heard me say much about God in a lot of my blogs, I still struggle with that part of my life but I do still pray that in time that part will become easier and stronger.
If anything please take the time between now and Monday to let the people that you care about know that you love them, tell them and show them because you never know what tomorrow will bring and you never know how it will change your life or the next year. So please be happy and strong!!!
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