Still have my good moments and bad moments but I am back to moments and not days. I said in University Hospital that I would not have a bad day that I would have bad moments and get past them but that is hard sometimes. I let somethings really get to me the pass month and I had to get pass them and stop being so hard on myself to figure out what I really need. Don't get me wrong I am still figuring it out, this is not an overnight process but I am getting there and growing stronger with each lesson to make me better in this new life.
Ethan had counseling yesterday and he did a practice thing where he played in the sand, he did a beach with a lighthouse and a beachhouse, then wrote Dad in the sand and told us that it was where dad is, dad's beach. I had the biggest lump in my throat but at the same time it made me smile. I could see Derek on that beach is his shorts, no shirt, no shoes, and his bald head sweating just a little and the big beautiful smile everyone knew so well, could even hear his amazing little laugh. It makes me smile to think of him like that. That is how my boys like to picture him and it helps me to do that too.
We have a lot coming up soon but we will have a lot of first the rest of our life, as the year sneaks up on us I realize it has nothing to do with the first year, its all the first the rest of our life without Derek by our side but we will make him proud and we are getting stronger everyday.
This Sunday is a big one for my boys with Father's Day. Then we have Ethan's birthday, then the year and then my birthday. But we will be okay and take each one a day at a time.
As the year is coming upon us so fast I know he lives through me, my boys and everyone who loved him. Am I scared to face another year without him? Yes Do I fear that I will never love as deeply as I did for him? Yes Am I scared to fully enjoy what life has to offer me? Yes Am I going to continue to grow and get stronger? Yes Am I going to continue to live for my boys and myself? Yes Am I going to continue to lean on my family and friends for support when I can't walk down this journey on my own? Yes
But I will not let it stop me from trying!!! I am finding new strength everyday and I am finding a good path to this new life. It still gets hard some moments and it will continue to be full of ups and downs but it will be okay in the end.
I have received some awesome emails on memories for my book for the boys and everyone makes me smile. When I got the very first one I thought it would tear me apart but it didn't, it made me smile because I know how many lives Derek touched in the short 40 years he was here and there are so many people that never do that and are here for so much longer. I have seen people not really appreciate the life they have, I have seen people give up on the people they love or walk away. I have seen friends and family suffer so bad and not be able to help them but just love them is all we can do. We can't fix everything, we can't change people or situations or always answer the WHY questions everyone has. We just have to love the people around us.
So make sure you are making a difference in this life, you only do it once and live everyday to the fullest. Tell the people closest to you that you LOVE them and hug them often. You only have one life don't waste it!!!
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