Thursday, June 21, 2012 The Shed...

Well I laid down for a little nap before taking a run because I was just so tired today. Now I wish I hadn't fell asleep.

Had a dream and I remember the details so much. We were having a party at the farm and all having a good time and Derek wasn't there, don't know if I knew he was gone or what just enjoying everyone around me. Then Lorrain gets there and I was walking with her around the lake to talk and told her I would let everyone know she was there, to relax and rest. So I walked around the lake to where a garage and a shed were sitting and I heard Derek's voice, so I go around to the shed. It was made of wood the color of cedar with a regular door to the right and a roll up door to the left. I open the regular door and there is stuff stacked to the ceiling so I close it but I hear him so I roll up the roller door and there sits Derek's cherry desk (the one we have had since we got our first house) and a few other items. I am very confused when I hear him talking but still I don't see him. I go over very confused but don't know why. I lay my head in my hands on the desk and look at the things laying on the desk. There was a wood plaque to the left with a gold engraved piece with Elvis Presley's name on it. There was a old army hat with a number if gold pins on it in the middle. There were a bunch of old things on the desk from people that are gone sitting on Derek's desk. Then he shows up and I hug him and he seems distance but just holds me. I beg him to not leave me over and over again. He says it's all okay that he knows he has been busy lately but that we will spent tomorrow together he promises, that he knows we need a day together. He says "but you have to be there". But I kept telling him he can't leave me and he keeps saying it's okay. I felt like I knew he was gone in my head in the dream but he was talking me into the fact he wasn't and made me question if I really knew what I was talking about. After promising I would be there I jump into walking around the lake with two people I don't know at all carrying sheets and I pass a sign with Derek's name and the dates of his birth and death on it, I fall to my knees, then I wake up.
I use to get so upset because I didn't dream a lot about Derek, or dream of him but couldn't see him in the dream. Now it is just painful to wake up from a dream and go through losing him over again once I wake up and realize it was just a dream.
It was a very weird dream and I woke up crying, which I haven't done it a little while. I had a good cry. Now I am going to go for a run around the WVU stadium, Derek went to a game there a couple years ago. Then I will enjoy my last night out of town. Miss my boys but it has been good to have some time away, relax and enjoy.
Good run....
Well I'm back from a good run around the stadium and hospital, got some dinner and did a little reading. It was what I needed to get out, clear my head and feel some peace. A lot of others had the same idea, I got to think and enjoy the sun going down, talk to a few people walking their dogs. I watched as doctor, nurses and patient's came in and out of the hospital that is in the same parking lot of the stadium and it got me really thinking about the past year and all that has happened.
I saw two people in wheelchairs, I remember that feeling of not being able to walk and take care of myself. I remember some things I would prefer to not remember and some of my friend's probably would like to forget some details of UofL and the things they had to do to me against my will, espeicially poor Pam. I have came a long way physically, mentally and emotionally. I still got a ways to go but I am getting there and I am healing. I now worry less, cherish my friends and family more, love deeper and hurt deeper.
While walking tonight I thought of a friend that at one point helped me a lot. We went to high school together and I was able to relax, be myself and talk so comfortably about Derek and how I was feeling, and that is hard for me to do but it felt so good to start smiling at the memories. I was so caught up in what I was suppose to do, and how I didn't want to make mistakes or feel too much pain or anything, I didn't want to plug holes. He told me that I couldn't go by what a book tells me to do or what someone tells me to do or how to feel. That it was a journey that I had to take one day at a time and make my own decisions. That everyone is different and I needed to trust myself. Good advice, he should probably listen to his own advice in his own life too!!!
It's hard for people to not be able to fix my pain. I was thinking about that tonight and I know that not everyone can ever understand me or how I feel or where I am. They can't fix it for me and I can't fix it for them. But in the end the people that are at my side are the true friends I have. The ones that give up, judge me, or try to tell me I'm not grieving enough, far from healing, or don't try to understand me a little are the ones that will miss out on being a part of my life, or don't really know me at all. Nobody knows how I feel, how much I grieve or how much I am healed, need to heal or what I need. If people chose to try and tell me what I need and how to live, it will be their lose not mine. Don't get me wrong I don't have a lot of these people in my life, but there has been more then one that can't handle it or understand it. I don't ask anyone to understand it completely, just be patient and be a real friend. My brother in law always tells me to be careful, that people will treat me bad, try to use me or take advantage of the situation, he is always looking out for me and I am glad, because I guess I have a lot of faith in people and cherish my friendships when their are some people out there that will take advantage of others. Sad but true because I have seen it in my life and others around me.

Don't get me wrong with all this crazy stuff tonight, my head has just been running crazy tonight. I am good, the walk did me good to breathe in the fresh air and clear out my head on things that have been bouncing around for a while. Just a little bump in the road but all good now. A freind texted me the other day and said I seemed to be in a better place and he was so proud of me. That means a lot and I think I am in a better place, do I still cry sometimes, YES. Derek would smile at me now because Rhonda and him always made fun of me because I wasn't a crier. I always told my guys at work if I they ever saw me crying they better run because I am either really pissed or something is really wrong. Am I still healing, HELL YES, always, I don't think I'm far from healing (whatever that means) but I know that it is a process and nobody should expect me to ever be completely healed, you don't go through what I did and be healed, doesn't work like that. I still hurt and I still grieve but that is part of my life now and I can handle it and still live.

I have had a good little escape away, ready to see my boys and be home I think. One more day, then a long drive home and Kings Island Saturday. But it was nice to get away, clear my head, have some time and see some good friends.