Marriage... the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.
That is what the Webster dictionary has as the definition of Marriage and yet we all know that it is so much more but then in life we all get so caught up in it all that we forget the real meaning of marriage. This marriage thing has really been on my mind a lot these days. I think between Brent and Shelby getting married and so many friends around me struggling daily to figure it all out and having issues that this world and we cause in our marriages, it really has me thinking. I guess it's hard for anyone that is not in my situation to look at it like I do, I have a completely different prospective on marriage since the accident. Don't get me wrong I have always looked at marriage in a very special way but when it gets ripped from you like it did me you change you complete outlook on marriage, on what is important and what is not. If only we all could see it like that without tragedy in our life. In the world these days it is so easy to just give up and stop trying because we get so mixed up with our kids, job and all the things life throws at us. I don't expect anyone to understand where I am coming from because you can't. Don't get me wrong Derek and I didn't have the prefect marriage or everything figured out but we both understood one thing. That we loved each other, it wasn't a option to give up or stop trying, that we would always talk and that we would respect each other no matter what. We had a good marriage but of course neither of us were prefect, we both made mistakes and we both had our moods like anyone else.
We had this thing that we figured out a while back in our marriage after kids. We would get so busy with all the things of life that about once or twice a year things would get too busy and overwhelming that we would pass each other and go through the day without thinking about the little things. This would always go on for a couple weeks sometimes a little longer but then one of us, not always the same person would stop for a minute to think and realize that we hadn't hugged or kissed in a week or stopped to really talk expect to exchange the kid information. At that point that person would sit the other one down (normally for a good dinner at our spot J Alexander's) and we would regroup and slow down a little. We always had the same conversation really, we would talk about anything that was on our mind and then we would tell each other that we didn't want to wake up one day and not know the person we were sleeping by. And in today's world and how busy we all stay that is so easy to do. It takes effort every day and for a while that was hard for Derek to understand, he always made the same comment, "why isn't it easy like it use to be, why does it take so much effort" but he knew the answers and no matter what he knew that it was worth whatever it took to keep our marriage strong, no other option. I am not saying we had it all figured out because we didn't and even at 13 years of marriage and 19 years of being best friends we still had a lot to learn and more to grow in our marriage, but we never got that chance. It was all taken in a heart beat!!!
These are the things that I miss about my marriage and they are all the things that I didn't think much about in the moment. The LITTLE things are SO important and can make a marriage so much strong if you stop to appreciate them and I so wish I did them even more then we did.
Big one was our little after work wrestling matches with the kids and sometimes just us. We had a routine, we would all try to get home together or close and whoever changed last we would go in the bedroom while they changed and discuss our day, good and bad, it would always end with the other aggravating the other and wrestling on the bed which in the end the kids would be involved and somehow I always got out numbered. That was an almost daily thing for us and so important. I miss that so much!!!
Something that you should do more and we should have even done it more. Derek had this way of stopping me in the middle of what I was doing to kiss me, just not a simple kiss. It would be passing me in the hallway, while I'm cooking or while we were working on a puzzle or something together. He would grab my face and kiss me, that deep make my belly turn over kiss that told me that I was all he needed to breathe that day. We didn't do this every day, it was the surprise of when he did it that made it so special. It is in the way you kiss your spouse to make you really let that person know how you feel without saying it.
The thing's I would miss becuase I was a busy mom and wife and would not stop to appreciate every time. Is those Saturday or Sunday's when I would be in the kitchen or really working on something and Derek would come up and aggravate me while I was busy. He was always trying to play around and mess with me. Most times I would be so busy trying to get everything done that I would just brush him off and tell him to stop because I was trying to get everything done. Oh how I should have stopped and played more at those times. Don't get me wrong I didn't always brush him off but sometimes as a mom and wife we have so much pressure to get it all done that we don't stop to enjoy those little moments but as husband's we don't stop to think that if we stop aggravating and help a little on what the other one is doing that maybe we would relax a little more at those times. But at the same time I did the same thing to him and he would be busy and brush me off, we need to never be too busy to have a little fun.
Dancing in the kitchen, this was a little thing Derek would do at the weirdest time and I use to laugh at him for it but at the same time it was so sweet at times. In the middle of me cooking or him doing dishes. Or his favorite was when he would come in from working outside all \nasty and smelling like sweat and put his stink all over me by grabbing me and dancing around kitchen. I always knew when he walked in with that little smile on that he was up to something and he would wipe his bald head on my shoulder before a big bear hug. Oh it was so nasty but oh so good.
Our little notes, this is one I started back when we were dating and living in the apartment. I would leave little notes on the mirror with my lipstick or eyeliner. he would do the same in return. Just a simple I Love You! or your a great husband. Just a little extra positive thing to let the other one know that you notice.
The most special times were the ones where we had been on each others nerves or arguing about something and no matter what or how mad we were one of us would give in and just reach over and hold the others hand. No matter how mad we got or hurt we were, it was our way of saying I still love you no matter what.
Okay I shared a lot more then I planned but when I start writing it all comes to the surface and each one made me smile as I typed and remembered them. Those are the things that matter to me now more then anything. Those are the things I remember and appreciate now. Not the fights, not the little stuff that use to piss me off so bad because he always left his clothes in the floor, or never put something in it's right place. I don't remember all the things that back then I didn't think he even noticed I did because I know now that he noticed by the things he did in return. Did we have a prefect marriage, NO, we did fight even know we both hated fighting, we did get on each others nerves every day, we did become different people as life went on but we became different together and we made sure that the space between us never got too big. Would that have continued another 30 years, who knows, we didn't have it all figured out. We had the problems I hear my friends talk to me about now. I am no expert on Marriage by far but I can tell you the little things that we need to take notice of more that would be missed if it wasn't there. We all fell in love with each other at some point and we all need to remember why, we all need to grow together and we all need to make sure that we put our marriage before all the other little things that life throws at us. That is hard these days with work, kids and all but always remember what is important because you can lose it in a heartbeat!!!!
