Monday, August 27, 2012 Emptiness...

I seem to be coming here a little more these days, I don't know it just seems to help when I can't seem to get the words out anywhere else. It's my way to try and clear my mind. Today I have woke with just an empty numb feeling that I really can't explain in words. This journey is still such a roller coaster of ups and downs that can come on without knowing why or even anything major happening or on my mind. Just feel lost today, but not because I'm really even thinking of one particular thing.
It's that feeling that we can only understand when you've been here. It was a good weekend, had some good times with the boys and friends but yet on Monday I get up and here I am. A mix of so many things. Maybe it is just that, a MONDAY.
The emptiness can be enough on it's own to take you to your knees. Maybe I'm just tired but I can't put my finger on it. Guess I could if I really felt like sharing but I'm struggling with getting the words out today.
I miss having a rough day but knowing once I got home that Derek was there and nothing else mattered, that I had the one person that could put his arms around me and make me feel that everything was okay no matter what. Not having that at home is a struggle, most days I just don't think and do what I have to but some days that gets the best of you, well those are the days you miss having someone to hold you at the end of the day. No talking, no explaining, just knowing that you need to be held and just breath!!! But it will be okay, just a little bump on a Monday Morning!!!
On a good note, Ethan was saved last year with his daddy in his bedroom, they talked about it a lot but he hadn't walked up at church until after the accident. So after a crazy year of struggling and him struggling on doing it and where, he finally decided he is ready to be Baptized at Southeast where his brother was Baptized on Sunday, 09/16/12, 11:15 am service by me. This is something that he has struggling with due to struggling with being at that church. I really wanted him baptized there because Garret was but didn't want to push it because he was leaning towards Northeast. He still wants to stay at Northeast he says but on his own has decided that he wants to be baptized where Derek did Garret. I'm very happy about this even know it will be a very difficult thing for us all but we will focus on what is important that day. Love those little boys so much!!!