Tuesday, August 7, 2012 Decisions...

Life is full of so many decisions and they become harder with my situation. Every choice I make or action effects my kids and myself, I take each one very serious but they are all hard. I guess I've always had a lot of faith in people, always thought people would do the right thing or love you no matter what, it's not like that. It is difficult to understand that but I also have to remember that there are still so many people that are amazing in my life but this world changes people. Everyone has a story in which makes them the person they are. Every person's story modes them into who they are so we have to know the person's story before we can truly see who that person is. So I try not to think I know why anyone is who they are or judge it, I have met people that have been through far worst then I have. And if I haven't lived their story then I never know how I would come out in the end.
I had a great weekend at the lake, was able to clear my mind of some things going on and relax, truly relax. The boys and I had a great time with friends and each other. Those boys amaze me everyday. Then back to the real world on Monday morning, school, sports, work and problems. Never easy and always way more then I have time to get done. But I just take each thing and try to make the best of it and make the boys and I happy, that is my main goal in life now. After some thought last night I decided to enjoy a dinner and had a good night, very relaxed, rested and feel good this morning. Good thing since the boys start school tomorrow.
I look at this world with different eyes now, I can't really explain it in words but it is a completely different way I look at things. Sometimes I think it is good and sometimes I know I have room for improvement along with everything else in life.
I focus myself not thinking about things too much, which if you know me that's not an easy thing. It may seem sad but in my world my mind shuts down about things. It hurts to think about Derek's death, to reflect on his absence, so I don't. Instead I focus on the fact that I have to live and focus on I have two boys to raise. I do think about the memories and that has gotten easier, I find myself smiling on some memories and then some are still to painful to think about. I still can't think to deep with everything because the pain is still so raw but I do what I have to everyday to get to the next day and week. Some days it gets easier to keep moving and some days it is harder. It is all part of the process. This day and always I will wish I had Derek back and my life back but I know now that there is nothing in this world that can give me that and Derek would expect me to do as I am and continue to move forward.
I pray everyday for good decisions, stronger faith, less pain in this world and for every friend and family member. For now that is as strong as my faith goes but I continue to grow, heal and learn everyday.