Tuesday, July 24, 2012 Best Friends...

Punta Cana, DR
We have had two amazing days on our vacation and the boys are loving it. Ethan told me yesterday it is the best vacation ever with a smile that was so amazing. He loves the beach, pool and of course the frozen drinks he can get anytime. They asked if we could move here, It's a nice thought but would we love it so much if we woke up to it every morning. Probably not, probably wouldn't appreciate it as much, and we would miss everyone at home. I will say I understand how they feel. It is a good escape from the pain and reminders of what is gone at home and in our life. I mean we miss Derek as much here and we think of him a lot, we feel the missing piece every second especially with so many families around but it takes your mind off of it some to be away and so busy playing at the beach. Probably more for the boys then me. I watch them play in the sand or run around and it feels so good to see them smile but I always feel that pain of Derek not here. Time does help but you never stop feeling that empty piece that is gone. I know that will always be there, one year out or 5 to 10 years out.
It's been fun and I've relaxed a lot but had a restless night last night. We had a good dinner, did a fun dance competition with the entertainment team, watched a show and laughed a lot. But in the end laying down in our room I couldn't get my mind off of missing my best friend.
What is a best friend and who is your best friend? Well Derek and I have a lot of them, I don't think most people are as lucky as we both were in that subject. We had this talk many times about our friends. We would talk about it just laying there at night after a wonderful cook out at the house, night out or just a little dinner or lunch with some friends. He always said we were so lucky to have such amazing friends and he was always so lucky that I would continue to make sure we all got together and saw each other. He would always complain about all the work we would put into our parties but every single time we would lay down at night after each one he would thank me for it all and tell me how lucky we were to have such amazing people in our lives. We would talk about how each friendship was it's own. You have different connections with each person and each friendship had it's special place in our heart from the times and memories we shared. We both cherished each and every friend we had and still have so many. Some were friends from school, work, just people we met along the way and of course family. But at the end of the day he would always remind me that I was the best friend he could ever ask for and through all of this that is the part that hurts so bad. Those words meant as much to me as him saying I Love You because I knew what they meant to him. Derek and I could share anything with each other, our best talks were the ones we had laying down at the end of the night just looking at each other and being able to share anything. Knowing that no matter what you say, what you do or how much you screw up that we were there for each other FOREVER with no doubt. For it was never a question, we knew it from day one. We did get our FOREVER but never realized it would be cut so short. Now all the things we shared and talked about are in my heart and head but forever missed and most of all I miss that bond and that person that I shared so many feelings, thoughts, and memories with. From the many things we did before kids, to the birth of our children, to all Garret's surgeries, talks in the hospital and everyday things. Those memories that we only shared are memories now and I hate that, but I hold them close to my heart. Some days it makes me smile just thinking about them, and some days it makes me sad to not have that anymore. I have friends that I love and hold close but my best friend well I still have those talks with but they are more on my own to him at night alone.
In the end I thank GOD for that friendship he gave me with Derek and even know I miss it so much, I know I was so blessed to have it. Like each and every one of Derek friends & family who have those special memories that only you shared with Derek. Make that help you Cherish everyone and appreciate each and every friendship and relationship you have.
We are enjoying our vacation and have a lot planned tomorrow (well today) boys get to ride on their first boat to snorkel in the ocean. Ethan wants to see a loin fish and a shark (the two things Derek told him he saw the last time we snorkeled in Jamaica) so I hope he sees some beautiful things but I would prefer no sharks.
I have been struggling on writing and continuing this blog for many reasons. It has been a good healing tool for me but I struggle with so many people reading my thoughts or think because I still hurt that I'm not healing. It is what it is, it is a journey like no other and I just do what feels okay and gets me from step to step. I pray every day even know I still struggle in that subject especially since I hear and see so much pain these days. I have met three more widows just in the past month, it is a sad fact that I struggle with but in the end we are here and we live, love and laugh for our loved ones that are not with us anymore.