This is not a word you will hear me say and you will see the tension in me when someone else says it, I don't know why but I hate that word and don't know if I will ever be okay with hearing it or uttering it out of my mouth. Even typing it made me want to vomit and it's just a word.
Last night we had dinner with some new friends, yet again another widow in my situation with a son. Wow how this little group has sadly gotten bigger and everytime we add someone it hurts me. I never want people, especially our age to have to feel what I feel or hurt the way I know I will the rest of my life when you lose your soul mate. But yet there are more and more of us out there. I am one year out and we now have ten people that talk and get together that have lost a husband or wife, and that is just the ones that are in my immediate little friend circle, doesn't count the friends of theirs that I have yet to meet. Every story will take your breath away every time and every one of us knows how the other feels and we get it, even the deepest thoughts that we would not ever say to anyone. Nobody should ever have to feel this way and nobody will ever understand it unless they have lived it. But we all do it, we all have our own little things that keep us going, mostly our children who have lost too much. We have all had a heart ache that we wish on nobody else and we all pray for answers one day of why we had to lose our soul mate and continue on without them in this world that has so many questions. But also we all are doing it, we get up every morning, put on our shoes, tie them up tight and continue on this difficult journey day by day. We smile and laugh with our children, we work to make sure they have the best life possible without their other parent here. We are all they have, yes we have other family and friends but we are the only parent they have, and we cherish it and make sure we do the best we can.
Somedays its hard to just breathe, and somedays we fail and don't do a good job at it. There are many days where I regret rushing or yelling before I took a breath but I do the best I can because it is all up to me. Garret, Ethan and me is all we have, our new family and we stand stronger together. I told them yesterday after a little fight between them, they each have some of their daddy in them so remember that when you get a little mad, love each other because you are the only brothers you will ever have. I see Derek in them so much but I make sure not to make them my only connection to Derek, that isn't fair to them and that is too much pressure to expect from two little boys. They are Garret and Ethan, Derek lives through them some yes but Derek lives through all of us and in our memories also. It's Garret and Ethan's job to be themselves and turn into the amazing men that Derek and I imagined, but they will be amazing because they do have that part of Derek in them. He shines from them daily in just the little things, the way Garret shoots a basketball, the way Ethan smiles when he tries to laugh, or when he is up to no good. The way Garret will look at me up through his eyelashs like Derek did. They are amazing boys because of what Derek and I have taught them and I continue to teach them and all the wonderful family and friends we have in our lives to help us.
We look at this world through new eyes!!!
Hello Coni, I am a friend of Stephanie's and we have never met, but I have prayed for you. I love that you have the insight to not try and keep your husband alive through your boys only. Your strength is inspiring and I will continue to pray that God shows you some healing, even if small in the friendships you are making with other spouses who have suffered loss. Blessings to you.
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