Sunday, July 8, 2012 Me...

Where I came from...
I didn't think I would ever share some of the pictures I am getting ready to but I have decided after a year that I need to take notice on where I was, how hard it was, and where I came from to be at my 40th birthday. A lot of people in their cards, text and emails have said that they didn't know this time last year if I would even be here. For a year I have struggled with if I should be here but after a year I know that I have no other choice then to be here to take care of my boys and myself. We would all change that day if we could but there is no going back and being able to do that. That day and every detail is burned in my head for life, I remember everything leading up to the accident, I remember flying upside down off the motorcycle, I remember the front of the car and I remember every time I hit the ground over and over for 90 feet, till the last hit when I automatically jumped up and took two and half steps towards Derek and collapsed. I remember fighting for my life in the ambulance with Travis arguing the entire way when he lost my blood pressure and being awake till they took me into the OR when I was down 8 pints of blood, broken every bone in my pelvis and damaged my bladder. Only thing I could think of was my two boys faces and how I couldn't let them lose both their parents even know all I wanted to do was give up and leave this world with Derek. Last night I got to spend the evening with some wonderful friends, old and new, it was with a lot of different emotions but in the end it was good to be with all the people that loved us all, each and every one has a lot to do with where I am today. With their love and support I have been able to get where I am. Don't get me wrong we all missed Derek a lot last night, he should be here but we have to continue to live. So here is a little of my journey that I have decided to share, some of you already know a lot of this because you were there but for me it is remembering the struggle and realizing where I am today. These pictures I thought I'd never share and were taken to remind me where I am and some were taken because we didn't really know if I was going to make it.

This first picture is 07/08/2011, one year ago today. I remember this time even know they kept me very drugged up due to the amount of pain I was in. I remember every one's shock when they would look at me and the doctor's being scared that I was still in a very dangerous situation with all the blood transfusion and my Jaundice. I remember when my sister took my hand that day and I looked at my color compared to hers and it really hit how sick I was. This was the day of my third surgery in seven days when I came out without the sheet tied around me to hold me together and replaced with a metal bar to hold me together.

07/10/11, My friends took amazing care of me and did things that they probably never thought they would for me. I wouldn't be here without them. This was the day after my birthday and after I had my third surgery and got my bar put on. I was so scared and sick, the nursing staff at UofL was the best and they were amazed with the amount of people that came to visit or take care of me. They had to stop visitors more then once just so I could rest. I remember for days I couldn't even look at the bar that was screwed into my pelvis. They kept it covered so I couldn't see it for days.

07/14/11, My first time sitting up on the side of the bed, wow that was big. This is also about the time I finally got the nerve to ask my mom if I would ever walk again, I knew I could move my legs but I also knew that it didn't actually mean I would walk again, I was too scared to ask and didn't know if I wanted the answer. At this point nobody really knew if my body could hold me or not with all the breaks in my pelvis.

07/16/11, The pull ups they made me do to strengthen my upper body hurt so bad but I just kept doing it, I had nothing else to help me feel stronger but this. This day I had about 10 people in the room sitting around and I was starting to get some strength back and getting off some of the meds they had me so drugged up on. I was also getting use to my bar to where I could touch it, just as long as nobody else did.

07/22/11, Frazier wow this was a scary time. I remember two days before they transferred me and told me where I was going, I was at first very happy to start the process but within those two days I started some physical therapy at UofL and got so scared and down because of how hard it was to transfer just from the bed to a chair using only my arms, no weight on my feet or legs at all. I remember the second day I just cried so hard once I transferred and the wonderful physical therapist helped me back in bed. I had no idea how weak I had become and what a battle it was going to be to walk again.



August 2011 Was spent complete in and out of Baptist East Hospital sick as a dog, it was a long month and filled with so much physically, mentally and emotionally. It consisted of two ambulance rides to the hospital and three different inpatient stays at Baptist.

09/07/11, My first night out...I remember this night like it was yesterday because it was the first time that I felt normal and smiled a real smile in two months. I was beyond depressed and an amazing friend came and dragged me out to dinner, I got to set in a restaurant in a booth and feel a little normal for a first time. I was able to see a number of friends that night and that made me feel so good to be outside of the walls of the house. There was still so many painful memories at the house so I was struggling and it helped to get out some. It was also after four nights of no sleep due to a medicine they had pulled me off of.

09/20/11, Bar is gone... If you can't tell in this picture, it was the most physically painful experience of the entire last year. They took the fixator off my pelvis, no drugs, no nothing. I had to lay on the table with Sue and my mom on the other side of the room, no hand to hold and they unscrewed each 5 inch screw out of my bone. I remember the first one
I just breathed through, the second was attached to a nerve so the tears started to fall, the third one was attached to a nerve and I screamed out once, the fourth was also attached to a nerve and I screamed the entire time and just looked at my mom being held back by Sue while my eyes begged them to help me. It was by far the most physically painful thing I remember.

09/20/11, Best thing about getting the bar off was getting to come home and hold our boys close to me for the first time since the accident. They were still so scared to touch me but it was the first time I got to hold them close since we lost Derek.

09/21/11, My first steps... This was a scary day, the first time I put weight on my legs, I didn't know what to expect, it was scary and painful but in the end was amazing to stand on my legs again. It was five steps that were painful and emotional all at the same time.







October 2011 was spent in Audubon Hospital for my bladder repair which was suppose to be a three day stay and turned into a lot longer, plus more blood transfusion and the deepest depression state that I hit since the beginning.

November 2011 thru July 2012 was a part of the journey that if you have been following my blog will know that it was more the emotional battles that we have faced and still face everyday in finding myself and where we belong in this new life of ours.

July 7, 2012 Today... And here I am today a year later and with some of the people that helped me get here. I will never be able to thank everyone enough and tell everyone in words what their love and support has meant to me but I hope each and every one of them know. Today a year later... I am where I am due to a lot of things, the strength that I learned from my amazing husband, the strength that our two beautiful boys still teach me everyday, the strength from my family and friends, but also from the strength that I have found inside myself to do this and make my life mean something. I am stronger then I could have ever imagined. If you would have asked me last year, I would not have imagined I would feel this strong, have been able to do the Triple Crown and to be able to live in our house and care for our boys again. I always said I would and was very strong on the outside, but on the inside I was still searching for that strength and some days I still look for more. Our lives will never be the same without Derek but our lives would have never been as amazing as they are without Derek in them. Derek was my soul mate and everything to me, we were married for almost 13 years and best friends for 19 years, even know like everyone we didn't have the prefect marriage, we had an amazing life together and loved each other unconditionally. That is one of the main reasons I am where I am today because of Derek.