Friday, August 10, 2012 Over Thinking...

I tend to overthinking everything these days no matter how hard I try not to. Every little situation I look at and try to figure out just because I never want to be surprised again. Some people say I am a Type A personality or that I am a control freak but really if you look at my story and my journey you should so understand why I am that way and if you don't then you will never get it. I use to welcome change and never give anyone a second chance to hurt me and now I am scared of change and I welcome every second chance I can get with things. This is what I figure it's all about and I have had plenty of time to think about it. I control things because I couldn't control losing Derek and the horrible accident that took him out of our lives. I like to know why and where thing are going so I am never caught off guard again and NEVER have pain in my life more then I already deal with daily. I am scared of change because I never know if it will bring me to my knees or make me stronger, it's a toss up most days. And I never got a second chance to live my life with Derek, it was there one day and gone the next. You should ALWAYS let people know TODAY that they are important because I meet a new person every couple weeks that have lost someone to death and they never thought it would happen to them.
How are you all???? The magic question everyone ask when I see them or talk to them. The answer to that changes so much and some days I really don't know how to answer it at all. I have been answering that we are "Okay" for some time now and these days I find myself using the word "Good" or that we had a "Great" day or an "Awesome" time. Those might just seem like words to most people but for months and months I couldn't speak those words, like saying I was better then okay was going to crush me because I'm not suppose to be okay without Derek. Truth is I didn't ever think I would be Okay without him but my boys have shown me that I have to be. Long talks at night with Derek have shown me that he would expect me to be better then okay for our boys. And taking the time to really get to know myself again have taught me that I have to be "okay" and "good" no matter what. I will NEVER be the kind of person or "GREAT' that I would be if Derek was still here, it is a new and different "Good" and "Okay" that I am still trying to figure out. It is a smile that I feel deep inside when I hear my boys laugh or the warmth I feel when they hug me so tight or tell me they love me ten times a day. Especially when they will stop what they are doing and come in to just check on me and tell me they love me. That is something we never had a shortage of in our house is love and telling people you love them. For me it is finding a happiness within myself and in things that I need in my life, people I need in my life and a feeling that I continue to define for myself. I find myself smiling a true smile more these days and feeling a little better that I will not fall so hard. Life is so full of so many unanswered questions and pain that I will never begin to understand why things happen and why God decides not to stop some things but in the end it is the life that we have to live. We have no other choice then to live it and live it to the fullest we can. I promise I am not always that positive and there are so many days that I continue a struggle inside myself that I don't share with anyone but we keep moving forward, there is no going back and changing the past. That is the one change I could handle!!!