Sunday, August 26, 2012 Quiet...

Laying in bed and the house is so quiet, not a sound. I remember not too long ago when I couldn't lay here and just listen to the silence. Sometimes it's still a little hard if I let it be but we are finding our new norm and it is helping us all three find some peace. I remember when laying here in silence felt like someone ripping my heart out because I wanted so bad to hear Derek's breathing laying beside me or his voice coming from the other room. It still shocks me some days to believe this is it and forever, I think it always will. It's the little stuff that still will stop you in your tracks, just like at yesterday's soccer game, one of the newer parents was standing talking to us about the ironman and running, he asked me if that was my husband in the ironman shirt the other day. It took me a minute to answer because it caught me off guard.
I don't know sometimes, I have been finding some happiness these days with my family and friends. Things seem to be moving into place so that we can find us again. Us three are finding that we are going to be okay just the three of us together, making new memories and laughing together, looking forward to things again and getting excited about things. I'm finding I'm okay on my own with my two boys and that has taken time to get there. There are still days it is scary and we will always miss Derek every moment but we had to come to a point that we know we are going to be okay. Time and healing help so much.
We all three had a really good day yesterday, soccer game which Ethan's team won. Then we went to Sake Blue for some good lunch with friends. Then home to spend some time by the pool together just us three before some friends stopped by. It was nice, it was was good to sit there with my boys and even with friends and not have that scary voice in my head yelling "how the hell are you going to make it and do this by yourself" that voice is gone most of the time and it's replaced with a peace that no matter what we will be okay and it tells me to slow down and enjoy the moments. Relax and enjoy my boys and my friends. Finished the days with the boys fired up to go to mom and dad's since with school they haven't gotten much time with them. They were excited to get there and ready to push me out the door so they could fish, build a fire and jump on their trampoline. When they called to say good night they sounded good. It helped me enjoy my night which was filled with good friends, new and old that have helped me along the way. We laughed and had a good night and I will take that when my boys and me can finish the day smiling!!!