Friday, April 27, 2012 Tears & Sleepless Nights

Sleepless nights...story of my life now!!! I had a good cry for the first time over something besides losing Derek tonight. Yeah I cry a lot these days, always have that lump in my throat ready to spill but for the first time the tears were from something else that hurts, guess I figured I couldn't hurt anymore then I was but this is different. I remember saying that 'I know I can never hurt this bad again after losing Derek' guess I thought that meant that nothing could touch me but wow am I wrong. Guess as I said before life and me are different so I guess I don't know what to expect. I mean I don't let my guard down at all and talk much about how I feel but here I am pouring it out here. I met a girl this week that had told me to try to blog more and put more into it and I guess this is my outlet these days. Kind of my way of going in my shell and putting my thoughts down that I don't do good at sharing. I guess I need to stop thinking because I've been through Hell that it doesn't mean everything else will be a easy walk or challenge. Just have to decide what is worth it and what's not because it all takes a lot of effort these days. I seem to always wake up around 3:00 and can't clear my head, normally I get up and do something or text someone working nights but really not up to that tonight after all.
Ethan had a good day at work with Nana today and has decided he will be a Vet or a Pro Soccer Player. He thought because Nana took care of the money at work she got to keep it, I explained to him that it's not that simple. Funny how kids look at things. The boys and I had a good evening, worked on the pool and yard while enjoying the wonderful neighbors we have. Garret is my big helper, anything I need or have issues with he is there to do it. They wanted to get in the pool tonight until they felt the water so we decided to get the solar cover out and hope it helps to warm it up for next week. Well tomorrow I get to work until Saturday at E&H, I have to admit as sore as I will be, I am looking forward to seeing all my old friends there. It should be good but a long couple of days. I hate I will miss the boys soccer game for the first time but I think it bugs me more then them, they are more happy about getting to spend two days at the farm so they aren't going to miss me much with fishing, hunting and all. They both think we just need to build a house out on the farm, they are for sure country boys just like their daddy was starting to become. Derek was suppose to hunt for the first time this year and we were suppose to horse back ride this year, not one of his favorite things but it was mine.
Well I can still get 30 minutes of rest before my long day begins and the sun comes up to a new day. I try and take it as a fresh start every day.