This past week has been full of its ups and downs, and I am trying my best to come out standing strong. Just having trouble breathing lately. Just so many things going on in my mind and over thinking things too much. I want to be happy again and feel good again but I know that takes time and it will never be the same as it was. I don't think I would want it to, I don't think I am the same person. How could I be after all this. I have decided with time that as painful as this has been that I am so happy that I did have Derek for the time I did. It was way too short but the memories that he gave me and the life we had were amazing and I cherish it. I have to try and look at the wonderful life we had and know how blessed we were. I started writing our story the other day so that I could one day give it to my boys, it is hard to write and remember but in a way it is good and healing to remember all the great times and that is just the one's I am writing down. Derek was an amazing husband, father and man and I will never understand why GOD needed him so soon but I will live my life for him because he would want me too. Tomorrow Maddie turns 16, wow Derek can you believe it, you would be so proud and teasing her so much. And as of tomorrow in one week and two months you will be gone from us for one year, it lays heavy on me. I remember saying I wanted to fast forward the first year so it would not hurt so bad and now I am scared to death of July 2nd coming around again. How do I get up that morning and keep going. I hope Derek and GOD give me the strength because I will need it. They are helping me learn to live and enjoy life some so I know they are there to lead me and help me along.
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