Thursday, April 26, 2012
Been a crazy couple days but we are making it a little at a time. Really struggle with some things in my head and heart these days, good and bad. Trying to really figure out this whole living and what I want my normal to be, not what everyone else wants it to be but what I want our life to be and look like. I know I want it full of smiles and laughs so that is very important to all three of us. What makes that happen or helps us do that we will have to wait and see. Sleeping still does not come easy, usally a few hours at a time but thank goodness I have a number of friends that work nights and help me on the bad nights just to get my mind straight and back to sleep. Had a really bad dream last night about a good friend last night that scared me and I guess I will always be a little freaked out with those dreams because I now know it can happen to me, so if I text or call you in the middle of the night please know that it is just because I get a little nervous with those dreams and I care.
We are working on repainting Ethan and my room so that will be nice to get a fresh look to those rooms and hope to get Ethan back in his bed, as much as I love having him close I know it is probably better for us both to have our own beds back and some space. Especially the way he sleeps up against me all night.
Today was bring your grandkids to work day so I dropped Ethan off at Lorrain's work this morning, he was excited and I know he will have a lot of fun. It was a rough start to the day, we got up good and ate together then went to get dressed, and Ethan wanted to wear a tie so no big deal right. Well first he has grown out of all of his shirts so we had to go to brothers closet and then I tell Garret that mom hasn't tied a tie in a long time, that was always Derek's thing with the boys. I can see Derek now standing behind them in front of the mirror and talking them through doing it theirself. So Garret goes and gets on the internet to get me a video to tie a tie, he is such a smart and helpful boy. So after a couple tries we get it done, Ethan and I go into his room to finish up and I am eye level with him and I can see the sadness so clear in his eyes it kills me. I ask him if he was okay and he said "Yeah it will be fine mom" and I said you miss dad for this don't you and of course he says "Yes"... It's always the little things that get us. The little things that a dad is suppose to be there to do and show his boys during these years. How do I fix that I don't know but I continue to try and find a way to help them find a way. I try to continue to let the men that want to be in the boys life to be there and give them that man time. I can see it in their eyes everytime they are with a male figure and espeically Ethan will draw close to them. We just continue to deal and keep going. The anger and hurt is still there of why this had to happen but there is also a will to live that I am finding. A will to make a good home and life for my boys no matter what.
I have found so much strength from family, old friends and new friends that has helped me and the boys and I thank GOD everyday for that. I have started talking to GOD on my own a little more and letting him in to help me make some decision and I hope to continue that. I know that without him or the family and friends I have I wouldn't be where I am. Just like yesterday morning I had a long night but I got five different text just saying 'I am thinking about you, hope you have a good day' keep them coming because they keep me going day to day.