Friday, March 15, 2013 This New Life...

The fiery widowed road is beyond the understanding of anyone who has not been forced to tread its path of pain and sorrow. In the early parts of this journey, there are days that death seems preferable to continuing to arise and face another day. You welcome getting to sleep at night so you don't have to think or remember what you've lost and you hate waking in the morning to a new day without the person you've lost.
But slowly oh so slowly - we heal and slowly we create a new life. In my early days and months of this world it was inconceivable that life could EVER be joyful again. But slowly and oh so slowly, we put one foot in front of the other on the devastating widowed road. There comes a day we first smile and immediately fell guilty "he is dead" what is wrong with me??? But as time goes by you welcome the smiles and the memories of what you had and it warms your heart. There were days that I felt I could face life with some optimism and ten minutes later we fall into a deep. black hole of tears and hopelessness. But then somehow we manage to dig ourselves out of the ravages over and over to face another day.
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, the beat goes on somehow.
This journey brings many lessons, real lessons, not words and they have become the values that I guide my life. I will love stronger, hurt deeper and never take anything for granted and I will appreciate every breath, every step and every smile.
Love is all that matters
We have nothing but this moment in which we stand, cherish it
Material things are not what is important
Take NO person for granted
NEVER leave those you love in anger
Know that you are not alone, GOD is there even when he is silence
A person can withstand more pain than one ever imagined
TRUE Friends stand with you - NO matter what!!!
Kindness and Time are the greatest gifts we can give.
This is my journey and my life, and I will live it with my boys and make the best of it. I wake up to face the day and look forward to the life I have to live. I still hurt, I still cry and I still miss Derek to depth that are beyond words. But with that I will live a stronger life because of him.
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and a feeling of peace that I never thought I could have. And it felt good! While driving into work I got to watch the sun rise and as most of you know that is always Derek saying good morning to me. He was shiny on me this morning to tell me it is going to be okay. Even past the pain, the loneliness, and the fears it will be okay until I see him again. I could feel the warmth on my face as I drove and for the first time in a long time I felt a peace I can't describe and I will take it because I know that the grief monster will have days when he stabs me in the gut but I will take each day as it comes.