Been a hard few days with sick kids and other things hitting, and I normally would want to crawl into my little ball and disappear but I know that isn't the answer. I'm figuring it out as I go with little signs that life is going to be okay again, not the same, never the same but different. And in my world Different can really be a good and wonderful thing, a place where we can hope, have dreams, smile, laugh and breathe.
In my youngest Ethan's words, we are okay, we will never be okay with what happen and that Derek is not here but we are okay with where we are.
We can't change what happen or bring Derek back so we live!!! Good and Bad we take it and keep going. We will miss him every day and always think of him. He is a part of us forever and that is why we got this far.
I started the day completely overwhelmed and in tears driving home from work to another sick kiddo after already missing two days of work. I'm trying to figure out how to get all my work done, not make work mad, take care of my babies, take care of a best friend who lost her wonderful father and get to her and then have a conference call about Garret's progress at school and middle school. I was about to explode and I just had a long talk with God and said I can't do this alone, I feel alone a lot but I know even know I turned my back on God that he is still here. I then walked in the door to both kids sick and my amazing mom who once again came to my rescue. To tell me that whatever I need her to do she is there no matter what it is. Then I got on the phone to a dear friend to tell me it's all going to be okay. As the day went on I got a lot of work done from home, I also cleaned everything with bleach and Lysol to get rid of these nasty germs. I even got a wonderful call from my daddy to check on us and know it is a blessing that I still have him.
Then I was unloading the dish washer and for the first time in 21 months I realized I cooked 4 times last week and that all my plates were in the dish washer. I remember telling a friend that I didn't think I would ever want to cook again. Just a little sign that no matter what, God has me and has a plan for me. That is hard to see most days when we get caught up in all the worries and problems of the every day. Or feeling overwhelmed by all the things I have to get done. It is a lot and it is very overwhelming most days but I just need to stop and breathe some. Realize that it is okay, take one thing at a time and handle it.
I remember when I first met another Widow friend of mine at Derek's Funeral and later when she visited in the hospital with another of her widow friends. I was like how in the heck can they be so into God and okay with him after what we have lost. I didn't understand it and I thought it was crazy. But I am starting to get it, when you hit rock bottom, well you find your faith the only thing to hold onto. Took me a while to get it and I am still learning daily. But as that same dear friend told me back then and I didn't exactly get yet, this is the closest walk you will have with God and your faith. I'm starting to understand that now. Because I've tried to do it my way and yet he has waited patiently until I was ready for help. I'm not there yet but I'm on my way. I know that I have a number of friends that don't really believe that same thing I do and we have had those talks a lot since the accident and they have always been very respectfully to my faith and I only hope they can understand even more after seeing my journey. And there is yet more to come on this journey.
We have blessings every day and sometimes get to busy in life to see them, or to caught up in our grief to see or want to see. I've learned you tell the people I love that I love them, hug my babies every day and thank God every day even if I don't see the blessings he gives daily.
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