Friday, April 27, 2012 Tears & Sleepless Nights

Sleepless nights...story of my life now!!! I had a good cry for the first time over something besides losing Derek tonight. Yeah I cry a lot these days, always have that lump in my throat ready to spill but for the first time the tears were from something else that hurts, guess I figured I couldn't hurt anymore then I was but this is different. I remember saying that 'I know I can never hurt this bad again after losing Derek' guess I thought that meant that nothing could touch me but wow am I wrong. Guess as I said before life and me are different so I guess I don't know what to expect. I mean I don't let my guard down at all and talk much about how I feel but here I am pouring it out here. I met a girl this week that had told me to try to blog more and put more into it and I guess this is my outlet these days. Kind of my way of going in my shell and putting my thoughts down that I don't do good at sharing. I guess I need to stop thinking because I've been through Hell that it doesn't mean everything else will be a easy walk or challenge. Just have to decide what is worth it and what's not because it all takes a lot of effort these days. I seem to always wake up around 3:00 and can't clear my head, normally I get up and do something or text someone working nights but really not up to that tonight after all.
Ethan had a good day at work with Nana today and has decided he will be a Vet or a Pro Soccer Player. He thought because Nana took care of the money at work she got to keep it, I explained to him that it's not that simple. Funny how kids look at things. The boys and I had a good evening, worked on the pool and yard while enjoying the wonderful neighbors we have. Garret is my big helper, anything I need or have issues with he is there to do it. They wanted to get in the pool tonight until they felt the water so we decided to get the solar cover out and hope it helps to warm it up for next week. Well tomorrow I get to work until Saturday at E&H, I have to admit as sore as I will be, I am looking forward to seeing all my old friends there. It should be good but a long couple of days. I hate I will miss the boys soccer game for the first time but I think it bugs me more then them, they are more happy about getting to spend two days at the farm so they aren't going to miss me much with fishing, hunting and all. They both think we just need to build a house out on the farm, they are for sure country boys just like their daddy was starting to become. Derek was suppose to hunt for the first time this year and we were suppose to horse back ride this year, not one of his favorite things but it was mine.
Well I can still get 30 minutes of rest before my long day begins and the sun comes up to a new day. I try and take it as a fresh start every day.

Thursday, April 26, 2012
Been a crazy couple days but we are making it a little at a time. Really struggle with some things in my head and heart these days, good and bad. Trying to really figure out this whole living and what I want my normal to be, not what everyone else wants it to be but what I want our life to be and look like. I know I want it full of smiles and laughs so that is very important to all three of us. What makes that happen or helps us do that we will have to wait and see. Sleeping still does not come easy, usally a few hours at a time but thank goodness I have a number of friends that work nights and help me on the bad nights just to get my mind straight and back to sleep. Had a really bad dream last night about a good friend last night that scared me and I guess I will always be a little freaked out with those dreams because I now know it can happen to me, so if I text or call you in the middle of the night please know that it is just because I get a little nervous with those dreams and I care.
We are working on repainting Ethan and my room so that will be nice to get a fresh look to those rooms and hope to get Ethan back in his bed, as much as I love having him close I know it is probably better for us both to have our own beds back and some space. Especially the way he sleeps up against me all night.
Today was bring your grandkids to work day so I dropped Ethan off at Lorrain's work this morning, he was excited and I know he will have a lot of fun. It was a rough start to the day, we got up good and ate together then went to get dressed, and Ethan wanted to wear a tie so no big deal right. Well first he has grown out of all of his shirts so we had to go to brothers closet and then I tell Garret that mom hasn't tied a tie in a long time, that was always Derek's thing with the boys. I can see Derek now standing behind them in front of the mirror and talking them through doing it theirself. So Garret goes and gets on the internet to get me a video to tie a tie, he is such a smart and helpful boy. So after a couple tries we get it done, Ethan and I go into his room to finish up and I am eye level with him and I can see the sadness so clear in his eyes it kills me. I ask him if he was okay and he said "Yeah it will be fine mom" and I said you miss dad for this don't you and of course he says "Yes"... It's always the little things that get us. The little things that a dad is suppose to be there to do and show his boys during these years. How do I fix that I don't know but I continue to try and find a way to help them find a way. I try to continue to let the men that want to be in the boys life to be there and give them that man time. I can see it in their eyes everytime they are with a male figure and espeically Ethan will draw close to them. We just continue to deal and keep going. The anger and hurt is still there of why this had to happen but there is also a will to live that I am finding. A will to make a good home and life for my boys no matter what.
I have found so much strength from family, old friends and new friends that has helped me and the boys and I thank GOD everyday for that. I have started talking to GOD on my own a little more and letting him in to help me make some decision and I hope to continue that. I know that without him or the family and friends I have I wouldn't be where I am. Just like yesterday morning I had a long night but I got five different text just saying 'I am thinking about you, hope you have a good day' keep them coming because they keep me going day to day.

Need to Take a breath, Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Well I've really been trying to keep this blog up and start trying to share a little more. Not an easy thing for me but I figure it's worth a try. Not promising anything!!
This past week has been full of its ups and downs, and I am trying my best to come out standing strong. Just having trouble breathing lately. Just so many things going on in my mind and over thinking things too much. I want to be happy again and feel good again but I know that takes time and it will never be the same as it was. I don't think I would want it to, I don't think I am the same person. How could I be after all this. I have decided with time that as painful as this has been that I am so happy that I did have Derek for the time I did. It was way too short but the memories that he gave me and the life we had were amazing and I cherish it. I have to try and look at the wonderful life we had and know how blessed we were. I started writing our story the other day so that I could one day give it to my boys, it is hard to write and remember but in a way it is good and healing to remember all the great times and that is just the one's I am writing down. Derek was an amazing husband, father and man and I will never understand why GOD needed him so soon but I will live my life for him because he would want me too. Tomorrow Maddie turns 16, wow Derek can you believe it, you would be so proud and teasing her so much. And as of tomorrow in one week and two months you will be gone from us for one year, it lays heavy on me. I remember saying I wanted to fast forward the first year so it would not hurt so bad and now I am scared to death of July 2nd coming around again. How do I get up that morning and keep going. I hope Derek and GOD give me the strength because I will need it. They are helping me learn to live and enjoy life some so I know they are there to lead me and help me along.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Today I'm tired, things just are too much some days and I just don't want to do it anymore. But unfortunately I don't get a decision to stop anymore. I was put into this world of being a Widow (not a word I use ever) and now I have to keep going for my boys. It is a daily roller coater of ups and downs, and struggle to not just go through the motions. I have really been trying to do some things for myself and that has helped a lot, I've found myself smiling some and even some laughing thanks to the special people GOD has put into my life. You can never understand my world unless you've been there and that is hard for some people to get but it is nothing I would wish on anyone yet I keep meeting people daily that are in this new life we were given without getting to decide. There is daily sadness and still some anger towards many things and why this had to happen. But I am pushing forward and trying to find the boys and I some happiness because as we learned the hard way Life is too short and we have to live no matter how painful it is without Derek in it. We will live a good and happy life!!! I will never understand why any of this happened but I will never give up for my boys, Derek and me.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

It was a crazy week being back from vacation, a lot of ups and downs. Life is a roller coaster and I just get to hold on and hope not to fall off these days. We finished the week with a pretty good weekend. Friday dinner with Mark, Melanie, Ellie, Maddie, Lonny and Kim. Lonny and Mark working around house for me to help. New roof on house thanks to Lonny. Pool opened thanks to Jamie and Chris. Soccer game spent with my mom and dad and won by two point and lunch with Angela, Tom, Brant and Reece. Boys and I went to Church at Northeast followed by dinner with Eric, Rhonda & Peyton. Boys got to spend the night with Peyton and go to a movie with Nana Sunday all while I went to gym, ran errands and enjoyed some amazing friends this weekend. Got a lot done and enjoyed some amazing family and friends. We all got to breathe and smile this weekend so that I will say is a good thing we will take. As hard as life has been the past 10 months and continues to be I have to stop and know that my friends and family are a lot of the reason that I'm here. I hear from a lot of people that I'm strong person but I would never be this strong without my boys, strength from Derek daily and all the wonderful people that GOD has put into my life to help me on this journey. As much as I say I want my old life back and I do, I know that we have to get up every day and put our shoes on, tie them tight and keep going forward. I miss you Derek more then words can explain but I thank you for the life we had and built together. Always in our hearts!!!

Friday, April 13, 2012 Last Day on Beach

Well it was our last day on the beach and we made the best of it. We laid on the beach from 10 am to late afternoon. We built sandcastles, played in water, saw a lot of stingrays swim by and just enjoyed the sun and water. It is so wonderful to watch the boys take it all in and enjoy themselves. They are what keeps me going everyday and I love them with everything I got. They amaze me each and every day with their faith and strength. This week was much needed and I thank my family and some great friends for making it happen. We will be back here soon! The boys ended the night with some crab hunting with Shelby!!!

Thursday, April 12, 2012 Day 4 Spring Break 2012

Today was a calm chill out day, everyone is tired but having fun. We slept in and laid around the condo a lot, then we got up and went go carting and shopping at the surf shops some. Then we went for ice cream before heading back to the condo. After getting showers we headed to the beach for some pictures and out for sushi grill and eat way too much. Then Shelby and Kim took Garret crab hunting while Ethan and I relaxed in the condo. So it was a busy day after all. We can't believe we have one more day on the beach before heading back. We would stay here if we could.