Wednesday, February 20, 2013 Understanding...

Loosing the one person that matter's most, your best friend, soul mate and the one that knows you better then anyone else on this earth, every secret, every scar, every pain and joy that you have had in your life is painful.
I sit and look at Derek's picture and wonder why he couldn't be a part of my future, we had plans and life seemed so good and then it was gone in a blink of an eye. I hold back the tears a lot of times but sometimes they stream down my face without control. Asking God why he took Derek from the boys and my life. The pain is undescribable for anyone to understand. I still need him here, he always made everything so clear when I couldn't figure it out. He was apart of me, and a piece of m,e died with him that day that I will never get back. I never knew how hard it was to loose someone you love until the day Derek went to heaven. I mean I had lost grandparents and I knew others that lost family members but never someone so close and a part of me. It does something to you that I can't even explain. Even though I can't see him, I know Derek is watching over us. We miss him everyday and cherish the memories that we have. We just pray and trust God that life will be good until we see him again.
I have came to the reality that there are a lot of things in this world that we will never understand no matter how much we want to. I see friends struggle, kids struggle and life be so hard on people. I always say that someone else always has it worse off then I do so try to stay strong but I know that is hard when we get knocked down. But you have to be on your knees and just pray for peace because you will never be able to understand. I wish I had the answers to a lot of things these days but I don't and staying stuck in asking those questions will do just that, keep you stuck. You have to realize that there are some things we will never know until we stand in front of God and get to ask. I tease that Derek is still asking his list of questions, I can see him now standing there with that look on his face when he is really serious and taking it all in.

 

 

Monday, February 18, 2013 Happiness...

What is happiness...
Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy is what Wikipedia says.
Depending on the translation, the Bible uses the words “happy” and “happiness” about 30 times, while “joy” and “rejoice” appear over 300 times.
Happiness is part of the journey, you can't chase it down, you have to let it come into your life.
Happiness has a complete different meaning to everyone I think and I know for me it is different then it was 19 months ago. I want to be happy but as many in my situation know that is not an easy thing to come by, it has an entirely different meaning. Part of us are just scared to be too happy, so scared that it could so easily be taken away again in a blink of an eye but then the other part just craves it because you have hurt for so long that you want it feel something or anything again besides that raw empty pain. But we do embrace life in a entirely different way now, we will always hurt deeper, love stronger and hold tighter to everything around us that makes us stronger.
I feel happiness these days and it feels good but it is scary. I struggle with being happy without Derek here, doesn't seem fair at all but it is the way he would want it to be. He would want us all to live life to the fullest, smile, laugh and love as he did in this world that he was taken from too early. We are finding our way in this world and it brings us peace and happiness.
I had an early breakfast at Waffle House this morning for the first time since being in there in a long time. That was Derek and my little place, we would take the boys there at least two Saturday's a month and they would go pick out songs on the Jude box while we sat and talked. Then during the week we met there at least twice a month alone to have our time before heading to work, just some time the two of us. That was where Derek and Todd would meet, sit and talk about all the things they shared. The last time Derek and I were there for a late night after being out partying we sat in a small booth and he told me that he felt like God was calling him to do something more. We sat and talked about a lot of things that night, most that I will cherish the rest of my life. I can still close my eyes and see the exact booth, the look on his face and clothes he was wearing. I breathe in and I can't believe that man, that amazing personality, smile and laugh is just gone. But I sat there this morning and I know that instead of being afraid of those memories and feelings that I want to cherish them. It was good sitting there, made me smile as I thought about it and I felt peace sitting and talking this morning with an amazing friend as I talked about the memories I had there. I know I will see him again one day and I know he is smiling down on me and he has shown me a lot of things in the past couple months. I have felt him in my life, God is also working in my life daily and I wouldn't be who I am or where I am without either of those things. As much as I have ran from God, I know that I would not be where I am without him by my side, as much as I turned my back on him and still fight anger with him, he never left my side and neither did Derek. Derek told me that in a dream last week, he told me he would never leave me and that is was all going to be okay. The hard reality of waking up out of that dream was rough but I believe he is trying to give me some peace. He will never leave me, he will always be a part of me and a part of me will always belong to him. I see him in his two boys every day as they grow, change and are amazing little men who love life just like their daddy. And I plan on making their life az amazing as I can and that is what they deserve!!!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013 Finding Some Peace...

I have been widowed for 18 months and 21days as of today and I have been writing on this blog for 16 months and 17 days. My first post was September 6, 2011 while I was in Baptist East Hospital to help keep everyone updated. I struggled with a name for it, nothing about family seemed right, nothing sounded right until a friend brought me a song "On A Cloud" and I will never forget, it was the first time I felt Derek close talking to me. I still have a hard time not falling to pieces every time I hear the song. I started this blog as a way to keep everyone informed about our boys and me but as I continued it with some encouragement it became more. It has mostly been a very good outlet for me, and I have been told that it's mostly a good place for widowed and non-widowed people to come and learn about our journey and maybe help them on their own. As of today this will be my 174 post since I started, there have been 11,417 page views from the US, India, Greece, Japan and France. But there have been times, more lately, when I wonder if I've run out of things to write or if this blog is even useful anymore. I still come here when I can't seem to talk to anyone and sometimes I can't even put it all on here but for some reason when I start typing it helps and I don't even know where it comes from some days.

It flowed from the raw pain that I had and the anger I held on to. I still have some of that but my pain isn't so raw any longer, Thank God. I don't think our pain can stay that raw, that intense, that...life-sucking, or we'd never survive it. I still have days that it is but I've found a little peace where God gives me time to breathe without the raw pain. He helps me smile at the memories instead of cry at them. I still have a long ways to go but I finally feel like I am getting there little by little, I see some light and I look forward to what God has in store for me even know I'm scared as hell.

No, I don't miss Derek any less than I did back then, It's just that his absence has become my new normal. I still miss him. Too much to describe, which is probably why I still get tears in my eyes when I do talk about how much I miss him. I still wish he was here, but I no longer spend hours a day wishing that. Because no matter how much I want it, that wish is not coming true. I have learned to look forward and live for today without him, even though I never wanted to...never planned to. I do not live in the past and I try not to look to far ahead in the future because that drives me crazy also.

I miss the me that I was before the accident, I am not the same person. I miss being settled, I miss being a wife and I miss the life before that horrible accident stole a husband, son, friend and father away from his family. The person before all the darkness, pain, fear and emptiness. I use to enjoy having fun, relaxed at any event, and laughed easily. I trusted people readily and had some patience with things and people. I wasn't afraid of life, love or much of anything.

Now I have had to overcome fear, pain and my patience is worst then ever toward people, things and life. But I am learning to handle it. I am learning to handle my Anxiety on my own. But I look and the new me has been strong enough to bury an amazing husband, fight for my life with every pain, surgery and struggle to walk again. I somehow managed to survive and rebuild from the emotional devastation of it all. I help my boys find their way every day to heal and live the wonderful life that Derek and I wanted for them. I've learned to hold on to people dear to me and appreciate every moment, every breath and every minute I have with the amazing people that are in my life. I am still scared of a lot but I refuse to let that control my life. I am still so afraid of losing someone that I desperately love. I've learned what is worth fighting about and over - and when to simply walk away. And life is getting a little easier. I know that I am a completely different person then I was before, some of that is not going to change and I will take the good with the bad. Because I did survive and I am fighting every day and I want our boys to know that no matter what life gives you that God will never leave your side even when you turn away from him, he will patiencely wait and continue to help you in the silence and that you are always stronger then you ever imagined!!!

Friday, January 18, 2012 20 Years...

Twenty years ago today I started at CED/E&H Electric and met James Derek Anderson, my soul mate for 20 years!!! You are missed and loved very much babe!!! You taught me so much about life, love and faith that I will hold dear to my heart forever. It is still so hard to believe that it is all possible.

Thursday, January 17, 2013 Friends and Thankful...

I've been thinking a lot the past week about where I am and how far we have come in almost 19 months. After a week of thinking, the biggest thing that stands out in my head tonight is being thankful that I had the people I did in my life when it shattered to pieces. Thankful is a hard word to use when you have lost what we have but that's completely what it comes down to, thankful that Derek was in our lives and thankful that we had the people we did in our lives. I would never be where I am or even alive if it wasn't for the friends I have, I don't even put the word family in there because my family are my friends. Looking back I am amazed at the things people stopped their life to do for me and as life moves on people get busy back in life and it makes me understand how much they did stop their life to save mine. I still talk to about everyone, might not be every day or every week but we always find time for a text, lunch or dinner at some point. The boys and I had dinner with a dear friend and his wife, we were talking about life and he was telling me that he never wanted to be a nuisance in our life as we rebuild and continue to heal. That they want to always be there but not to intrude. I can tell you none of my friends will ever be a nuisance or intrude on my life no matter where I am in my journey. Some people say they try to stand back so I can find my way but when I am struggling I tend to retreat so please never feel like you are intruding because some days those little text I still get are what pulls me out of the darkness sometimes.

I'm thankful for everyone that was and is a part of Derek, Garret, Ethan and my life. Thank you for standing by us during the darkest part. Derek would be so touched and proud of each and every one of you. You all know who you are and it was every little thing that was done that saved us and got all three of us to where we are today and where we continue to grow, heal and build our life.

It was the late night text when I wasn't ever sleeping in the hospital but trying to be quiet while my amazingly strong mother slept in my room almost every night. It is the people that came and let my mom have a break during those long days and nights. It was the unspeakable things that four women helped me get past in University during some of the most painful and horrible times. Sharing your own very personal stories with me to try and help me not lose faith and hope. Cornering doctors and making them answer questions that they didn't really want to. Leaving your families and coming to stay at my house and help me and our boys. Or after a long day at work and being completely worn out, still coming to the hospital to hold my hand or check on me. Bringing your kids just so that the boys never felt alone. The late night visits, early morning visits, painting my toes (except my big toe) and my nails to just make me feel better. Giving me a bath and shaving my legs. Rubbing the knots out of my legs when I couldn't lay still. Carrying me to the potty and picking me up when I would fall physically, emotionally and mentally. Feeding me pudding like I was a child because I refuse to eat and wanted to stop fighting. Not touching my toe, cutting socks just right to keep my foot warm but not to even be close to my toe or making sure it didn't get hit. Yelling at me when needed it or laying there holding me while I cried. Taking our wonderful boys and helping them know how much their daddy was loved and cherished. Buying me clothes to fit around my bar, to taking pictures and taking care on picking out Derek and my plots at Duncan. Finding ways to cover that horrible bar when I first couldn't even look down at it. Finding me teddy grahams to eat after every pill that went down. Going to every floor until you found a HoHo for me to eat because that was all I wanted. Spending your date night with your husband or wife in my room to talk and make me laugh or just bringing your dinner up to eat with me. Coming at any time of the night or day when I said I needed you. Vowing to call me every night to make sure we were both dealing okay. To just the simple little visits!!!
I remember the first day I spent alone in the hospital, it was Baptist East about 2 1/2 months into this it was the very first time I had even a minute of time without someone by my side. It was a very hard day, I screamed and cried for the first 2 hours, it was the lonest most painful moment. I yelled at Derek because he promised me he would always be there and there I was alone on my own. It was the most deep raw pain, scared as hell and just down right horrible. But I got through it and I realized that as long as I have my family and friends in my life, I will always have Derek in my life and I will never be alone. Granted it is not the same but it goes further and deeper then I could ever imagine. And when you hit rock bottom well that and faith is what brings you back to the surface to just breath.
We will never forget and life will never be the same without Derek in it, it was a better place with his amazing personality, his smile and laugh. Wow miss those so much but he lives in everyone of us now and he is so smiling down on us even know I know he is missing each and every one of us as much as we miss him. And as much as it still to this day takes my breath at some moments or brings me to my knees, I know that I am who I am because of Derek being in my life, he made me a better person because of who he was. So please make sure to think of him often, live a happier and strong life in God because of Derek, that would mean more then anything to him.

Tuesday, January, 15, 2013 Learning Every Day...

Still at my age I continue to learn things, about people, about life and about myself. Guess that's part of life but at some point you think you would know how things work, or you think you know people. But as I've said before everyone has their own journey that makes them who they are and I continue to learn things because of the things I go through and others around me. I have even learned from other peoples situations that don't even involve me, which I think a lot of that is because I look at things differently these days. You never know yourself completely and no matter what you never know other people as well as you think you do. People will love you, hurt you and just down right surprise you some times but you have to just pick it all up, learn a lesson and keep moving forward. I've done this many times and I have told others to do this. It's just hard to see the people you care about hurt and not be able to help or fix it but in the end sometimes it's not your problem to fix and no matter how much you care, it doesn't always help. We all had a good weekend, had some family time and mom even had some very nice and much needed me time which felt very nice. We are getting to a good place these days. So enough about what all is spinning in my head!
Update on my amazing boys, they are growing so much in height, weight and independence. They are eating me out of house and home these days. Garret is an amazing little man who continues to grow, be more independent and is just a kind hearted boy. He's enjoying his Xbox & New Phone these days since it's cold outside but continues to improve in basketball which he is still playing. His treatment with his Hirschsprungs in going well, we are on every three days but of course as he eats more we may have to adjust some. Ethan is doing good, he is opening up more to Garret and me about missing his dad, we just have to let it be on his terms and time, can't push that boy to do anything to fast. He is as hard headed as me and as smooth as his father. Ethan is also enjoying all the new Xbox games, Ipad and playing Futsal for now until Soccer starts in the spring. He is the most sweet kiddo when he wants to be. Last night I was tired and sat down to watch a little TV and in the middle of a show he leans over and kisses me on the cheek and says "I love you mom" wow how do they know when we need those little things at the right moment.
We stay busy as always with work, school and sports. Tonight we are looking forward to dinner with some dear friends of ours that we haven't seen in months. Then this weekend we get to spend some time with some more wonderful friends that we don't get to see enough for some Skyzone, Dinner and a little Ice Hockey fun. Should be interesting and long Saturday. Then off to church Sunday, Globetrotters with Rhonda, Eric and Peyton then Futsal. Busy but fun weekend! I'll try to follow up with pictures on Facebook. Love you all and hope life is going well!!!

Wednesday, January 9, 2012 Life...

What I try to believe in life, because not everyone understands just how precious it really is…

Life is crazy, and totally unpredictable...
It's going to bring you to your knees, kick you while you're down,
and hit you when you try to get back up.
Not everything can beat you but things are going to change you.
Listen to your heart, Follow your dreams or make new ones when yours get shattered
and let no one tell you what you're capable of.
Push the limits, Bend the rules, and enjoy every minute of it.
Laugh at everything, Live for as long as you can.
Love all but be careful who you trust with your heart..
Believe in yourself, and never lose faith in others
Settle for nothing but only the best, And give 110% in everything you do.
Take risks, Live on the edge, Yet stay safe,
And cherish every single moment of it!!!
Life is a gift, appreciate all of it, and jump on every opportunity.
Not every one's going to love you, but who needs them anyways.
Challenge everything, and fight for what you believe.
Back down to nothing, but give in to the little things in life,
After all, that is what makes you.
Forget the unnecessary, But remember everything,
Bring it with you everywhere you go. Memories are Priceless!!!
Learn something new, hate nothing, But dislike what you want.
Never forget where you came from, and always remember where you are going.

Even when it’s hard to see!!!
Live Life to its fullest, and have a reason for everything,
Even if it's totally insane. Find your purpose in life, and Live it!

This might not always be easy to see every day in this journey that we are all

On but we have to remember that it is our life to live and you only get one chance.
It's your choice to live it!!!

So even during the dark and hard times, remember there is more!!!

When life gets to be more than you can stand….

Kneel!!!

I believe in the Sun even when it is not shining…

In love even when I am alone…

And in God even when he is silent!!!