Tuesday, September 11, 2012 New Healing...

Well today was pretty good and for no real reason besides I am standing on my own and making this work. September 6, 2011 I posted my first blog, since then I have posted 142 times and have had  8,742 page views. Besides being a great healing tool for me, it has been a great conduit for reaching out and developing some very wonderful friendships. I am humbled by the overwhelming response and all the emails and letters that I have received about our lived experiences. I would never wish this journey on anyone and never imagined I would be on it more or less live through it. Truth be told, the first year was so filled with mostly grief and the uncertainty of tomorrow. As I move forward through year two, I am coming to realize that I can stand on my own two feet, don't much like it, but can -therefore as I move through this second year I continue to learn, grow, heal and grieve. There isn't a end to the grief or the loss, you just learn to live again. Nothing or nobody can fill that piece that is missing inside of you but you learn to live with it there and know that is where you hold your deepest things and there will be days that it will hit you in the gut and take you to your knees. But there will also be good days where you will laugh, smile and enjoy living again.
I was just talking to a friend on Sunday and we were talking about some things that I have experience the past year and where I am now. I know that I am different then I was 5 months ago and I see that I am getting stronger as each day passes. My boys are laughing again and smiling a good smile, will any of it be the same, No but that doesn't mean it can't be good. The pain is always there but you learn to live with it instead of letting it define or control you.
I have tried it all and thought it all but in the end I choose to live. I have asked the questions why??? so many times it makes my head spin. Why did Derek have to Die? Why didn't Derek live instead of me? Why didn't I say no that day? Why didn't I just give up that day? It all comes down to I will never get those answers and I know that I can't keep asking them. I remember every moment of that day and I relive it in dreams, flashbacks and just random times. I remember he would reach down and rub my ankle and leg under my jeans just to say it's okay I got this. I remember his hand on the handlebar as it hit the trailer. I remember our body language when we both knew this was bad. I remember flying off and hitting the ground every time. And I remember getting up as soon as
I hit, taking three steps and falling only to have the imagine of him laying there in his white t-shirt that I loved so much, jeans and his boots face down and knowing that I couldn't get to him and they wouldn't let me. I drove that road Sunday night to Bardstown in complete silence and wondered how did our lives change in one day. How does that happen, we were happy and great one moment and in a heart beat it was gone. I passed the corner we stood on in Bardstown when he put my helmet on, kissed me and said I Love You for the last time. But during that drive to Bardstown Sunday which I have driven before I felt a little more peace knowing that I am doing what I need to do to keep my boys and me moving forward and that is what Derek would want and be proud of us for.
If you knew him, then you knew what a wonderful man he was and loved with all his heart and would do anything for anyone. He never met a stranger and always had a smile on his face. I know he is up there in heaven celebrating (if he is finally done asking all the questions he had for God) with so many wonderful men and women that I know through stories now that had their life taken way too early also. So until I see you again babe, I will miss you and love you more then life and I will continue to move forward, get stronger and learn to stand on my own.