Tuesday, September 25, 2012 In God's Hands...

My heart is heavy today, and it isn't about my life or Derek, of course it brings it back to there but all in all I am angry with God this morning and questioning him so much. I will be attending a 7 days old babies funeral this morning and I DO NOT UNDERSTAND it one bit. It breaks my heart to see friends go through this and it is a helpless feeling to know there is nothing on this world I can do to help. So we choose to just support them and be there as they find their own healing and begin a journey that they could have never imagined being on after the birth of their little baby boy.
I of course have struggling in my faith for over a year and a lot of that is from the questions and I am working to find my way back and I know that no matter what, I do believe in God, I will never understand why things happen in this world and will never understand how bad it has to get before God puts an end to it but I will continue to try and trust him and try to not question so much.
This is what I know in all this, Derek and I did choose to get on that motorcycle, that was our decision, good bad and ugly it was a choice we made and I have to live with that. Derek died doing something he loved, he enjoyed being on that bike and feeling the freedom as he called it. Yes it was a simple mistake of someone else that took his life and changed our lives forever but in the beginning it was his choice to step on that bike. Doesn't make it any easier to accept or understand why he had to lose his life but it is what it is and not for us to understand. I know that if he knew it would have taken him from us he wouldn't have ever done it, but as Derek was he didn't think anything bad would happen.
But a sweet couple and a sweet baby boy that have no choice I will never understand, God maybe you can explain one day for now I will put my trust in you and hope that you can help this couple find some peace like you have for the boys and I. This was one of Derek's questions for you, so I hope he got all his questions answered, who knows I still joke that he is probably still asking his list of things that he said he would ask when he stood face to face with you.